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Here ya, go folks: that sweet, sweet COTW:

“Oh no! Tommy’s going to get addicted to the dopamine hit that comes from spreading juicy gossip!” –Tabby Lavalamp

And your hilarious runners up!

“Today’s Dick Tracy teaches us that when the cops come to get you, you should also shoot through the wall next to the door. Thanks, Dick Tracy!” –matt w

“Note that Dagwood doesn’t even bother checking the fridge. He knows he wouldn’t keep eclairs in there. No, a true gourmet appreciates the delicate sour note that you only get from leaving a load of raw cream at room temperature overnight.” –Schroduck

“Dagwood does not look like he’s searching for pastries. He looks like he’s reaching for a maybe, probably, dead mouse in each of the 3 panels he’s rummaging.” –Doc Wonmug

“Terrible balloon work on Sunday’s Dick Tracy. After some initial confusion, I eventually realized that Dick (or more precisely, Dick’s shoulder) is meant to be the one shouting that he has a warrant, but my initial read was that Widescreen was shouting through the door, perhaps in an attempt to trick the cops into thinking that he was about to arrest them. ‘I’m the police!’ ‘No, I’m the police!’ ‘No, I’m the police!’ ‘No, I’m the police!’ ‘No, you’re the police!’ ‘You’re the police, and that’s final!’ (Dick puts down gun and allows himself to be handcuffed and led away by Widescreen.)” –samurailizard

“Shouldn’t Tommy be in a funk because his girlfriend Brandy isn’t in his immediate line of sight?” –The Quiet Man

“I won’t be in here forever. Either they’ll let me out, I’ll escape, or I’ll eventually die. One way or another, I’ll be in a different location.” –Joe Blevins

“The alarm rings, rousing Judge Parker from sleep. ‘Ah, it’s finally six P.M.,’ he says sleepily. ‘Time to start drinking.’” –Voshkod

“If this is what Nelly looks like when she’s just gossiping with the stock boy, I can’t wait to see her facial expression explode after she finds out her coupon for toilet paper has expired.” –BigTed

“Does a bear shit in the woods? Well this one shit in his pants!” –Old School Allie Cat

“Cyclospora was a conspiracy by Big Laxative to scare off a generation of pluggers from naturally healthy and fibrous foods that would keep them from relying on prescription-grade Ex-Lax.” –Philip

“I’m a vegetarian, so maybe I’m taking this a bit personally, but this comic strip is … actively incorrect? I know it’s all in service of a pun, but Shoe and its depressed bird-people have not earned the goodwill necessary to disrespect dietary fiber like that.” –Vulpes

“‘This is just between you and me…’ said Tommy, staring up to the surveillance camera, imagining Mary watching the feed from the comfort of her condo. He imagined for a brief moment the incredible relief he would feel when the latest round of loyalty tests was over, before subtly adjusting the mic under his shirt and leaning in closer to Dawn.” –pugfuggly

“Boys, your grades are so bad, you’ve lost bedroom privileges! You’ll be sleeping in The Beige Dimension until I say otherwise!” –Victor Von

“‘THIS IS JUST BETWEEN YOU AND ME!’ Tommy shouted, over the sounds of dropped bowling balls and crashing pins.” –CompassRose

“Silly Gil Thorp, you’ve made your bed wrong! When you use one of those Hollywood-approved L-shaped sheets, the half that comes all the way up to the neck goes on the WOMAN’s side, while the half that stops below the chest goes on the MAN’s. You’ve put this one on upside down!” –yo go re

“Beth looks like a woman in those TV ads where you find love by using the product. ‘Thanks for taking me to the big game, Gil! [turns to camera] And thank you, Prell!’” –A. Mulyak

“Sorry to all those Protoss ladies in the audience, Sam Catchem can’t construct any additional pylons for you gals. He’s already married … to justice.” –ectojazzmage

“Routine good?! Jacket Monster leap over and consume you now!” –A Grave Mind

“‘Uh, they’re just pulling your leg.’ June finds the nicest way possible to tell Rex the boys were gaslighting him because they think he’s stupid.” –Hibbleton

“Joke’s on these traffic scofflaws when judge-whisperer Sophie starts digging up colonial-era precedent for sentencing them to hard labor on Spencer Farm.” –Charterstone: Dune

“I’d hate to think they’re not keeping up. But I’d hate even more to have to do something about it!” –Ettorre

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Judge Parker, 9/18/26

For many years now, Judge Parker fans have wondered: whither Sophie Spencer-Driver? The girl who was once a climate-data– and geopolitical-conflict-obsessed tween has spent most of her late teens and early twenties vaguely wandering from thing to thing, ending up in Norway to work for her boyfriend’s charitable foundation only to return home having learned nothing, either about herself and what she wants to do with her one wild and precious life or about what sort of scammy tax dodge or worse her now ex-boyfriend (she also returned home without a boyfriend) was running out of Norway as a “charitable foundation.” So now, it looks like she’s turning to the rich faildaughter’s last resort: clerking for a judge who’s a friend of the family as an inside track into the law. Of course, what with the declining fortunes of the whole Spencer-Driver-Parker nexus, she’s not so much “clerking” for a “judge” as she is “printing out the schedule” for a “judicial hearing officer” because he doesn’t know how to “use the calendar on his phone,” but we do what we must.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 9/18/26

Ah, whew, good news, everyone! The Morgan boys aren’t stupid after all — or, if they are, they’re the kind of stupid that doesn’t show up on standardized tests, so it probably doesn’t count.

Pluggers, 9/18/26

Pluggers have the stench of death about them, folks, you read it here first

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Dick Tracy, 9/17/26

An aspect of this rapidly concluding Dick Tracy plot that I kind of lost interest in early was that Sam Catchem was sexually coerced into going undercover into the seedy world of online gaming to track down Widescreen’s gang. The looming question, of course, is whether he’d get a taste for these newfangled “video games” in the process. Turns out nope! Widescreen is dead and he’s logging out forever. It’s back to wholesome pursuits for Sam, like curling up on the couch with a copy of Derby Dugan: The Geebus Years.

Gil Thorp, 9/17/26

“Do not suppose that I have come to bring peace to the bleachers of the Valley Conference, Beth. I did not come to bring peace, but a sword. For I have come to turn a man against his father, a daughter against her mother, a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law — a man’s enemies will be the members of his own household. We’re just getting started.”

Mary Worth, 9/17/26

“I heard that Ian Cameron spends more time with Mary Worth than with his own wife … doing I don’t know what! … Nelly said something that sounded like ‘segs,’ maybe, but it wasn’t a word I recognized. But supposedly that’s what she and Ian are doing!”