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Gil Thorp, 10/13/26

It looks like we’re approaching the final Borys Orlov vs. Adrian Blatz showdown we’ve all been waiting for, but first, a little background on Borys: he may not remember the sound of Russian munitions raining down on his war-torn homeland, but he does remember a name, a name that echoed on the wind that blew across the Eurasian steppe. “Gil Thorp,” he heard, even as a child, even before he could understand what the syllables mean, what a name was. “Gil Thorp.” As geopolitics fell into violent chaos around him, he only had ears for that name, that mysterious name, “Gil Thorp,” that he somehow knew, without knowing how he knew, denoted his destiny.

Mother Goose and Grimm, 10/13/26

Ha ha, remember Mussolini? The guy who invented fascism, ruled Italy with an iron fist for decades, allied with Hitler, and ended up executed by partisans at a gas station? Well, what if there were a restaurant named after him? They’d probably have a dish with a name that punned on the word “dictator,” because Mussolini was a dictator, ha ha! Also, they’d probably have another dish that punned on “Benito,” which was Mussolini’s first name. Anyway, don’t think too hard about the type of guy who would open a restaurant named “Mussolini’s,” unless you want to completely ruin your day.

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Hi and Lois, 10/12/26

I admit that, as a non-kid-haver, I’m not fully up on the ages at which kids are allowed to be left on their own and/or put in charge of their siblings these days, and I’m given to understand that this has shifted since I was a teen, but still: Chip is old enough to watch his siblings, right? Or at least not be dragged along to the office with other kids? This question sent me down a rabbit hole trying to figure out Chip’s age and the amount of freedom his parents allow him, and I’m here to report that he’s learning how to drive, goes on unsupervised dates to the movies, and takes his little brother along on walks around the neighborhood, which you’d think would be enough evidence to make today’s antics unnecessary. On the other hand, at one point he told Dot about Studio 54, which might’ve led to her asking some questions that ultimately resulted in a lot of privileges being revoked.

Judge Parker, 10/12/26

Oh, hey, remember how April was going to pick up Charlotte and take her to school? Well, she never showed up, and the reason why is that she got scooped up off the street and taken to a CIA black site somewhere. I guess they’re calling black sites “regional offices” now, to present a more professional, more chill, less terrifying kind of branding to the outside world. That’s not how most of the US government is doing things currently, but the security services always zag when everyone else is zigging, you know?

Alice, 10/12/26

Big news about Alice’s car saga: Remember when she said that today’s cars were too expensive and didn’t need all that stuff, but then rented a car and backslid and said she could get very spoiled with all the new features, but then later declared her current 25-year-old car “perfect” because it had “no technology” and got her where she wanted to go? Well, it seems she bought a new car after all, and she likes it, but she misses the simplicity of the old car, and the old price tag too. Who could’ve predicted this? You could’ve, Alice! I’ve assembled incontrovertible evidence that you predicted every aspect of the mess in which you find yourself! You have no excuse!

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Mary Worth, 10/11/26

Apologies, Mary Worth, for implying a few days ago that this dream sequence would not match the boxing Wilburbabies in madness. Parrots! Toby’s beloved parrots! Who, in her mind (at least the subconscious part) are lovers? Perhaps the only two true lovers that Toby knows? And thus she’s imagining various parts of them fading in and out and being replaced by Mary and Ian’s corresponding parts? Bleak stuff! Bleak, terrifying stuff! I like the fact that Ian’s tie and Mary’s trademark cowl neck are the only features that remain constant in both parrot-human hybrid variations. I hope these images recur to haunt Toby for months to come!

Shoe, 10/11/26

Oh, it looks like Shoe also has a dead uncle to crack wise about. He doesn’t merit some kind of cute wordplay, though. “Yeah, he was a dumb asshole and he blew himself up,” that’s what Shoe wants us to know about him. “His guts were everywhere, it was awful.”

Mother Goose and Grimm, 10/11/26

Cinderella is giving Prince Charming real bedroom eyes here, implying that her “great” is not sarcastic and that pumpkin spell is a powerful aphrodisiac in the Grimmiverse. Much to think about.

Blondie, 10/11/26

No! No!! The creators of Blondie have learned about the Gigachad meme! We need to cut the boomers off from the internet en