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Crock, 7/15/24

Ah, just another day in the French Maghreb, with a difficult march ahead for our Legionnaires, though at least they have a promise from their commanders that they’ll be cared for this time … but wait, what’s this? A white flag of surrender flying above the fort? Ominous! Presumably the stragglers will not be left by the wayside because there simply will be no stragglers: most of the men will summarily executed en masse by the insurgents of the liberation army, while Crock and the other the officers, having made a deal to save their own skin, slip through enemy lines back to heavily fortified Oran or Algiers. Don’t worry, my vulture friends, your cravings will be satisfied indeed!

Hi and Lois, 7/15/24

Ha ha, that was kind of a downer, sorry! Anyway, chores, amiright? You gotta do ’em? I do like that Lois is holding a laundry basket here; she’s not a nag, she’s just someone willing to shoulder her share of domestic labor, and she wants to make sure everybody else does, too.

Alice, 7/15/24

Look, I’m a big fan of 20th century novelist Kurt Vonnegut, but he was not a doctor and also he’s dead, so I would simply not seek medical advice from him. Of course, I also wouldn’t trust him to prescribe medication to my parrot, so I supposed it’s been well established that Alice and I are on different wavelengths in this regard.

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Mary Worth, 7/14/24

Dawn has said a couple times that she and her mother don’t agree on politics but hasn’t offered any specifics, and this reminds me that at one point I tried to come up with a list of the political ideologies of the whole Mary Worth cast and immediately decided that neither Wilbur nor Dawn had ever voted in their lives. I’m imagining that her mother is a fairly middle-of-the road suburban type, maybe a former Romney Republican who became an MSNBC lib during the Trump era; she mostly just wants Dawn to at least register to vote, and thinks her daughter refuses to do so because she’s one of those protesting anti-electoralist leftists like her friends’ kids who go to Ivy League and Seven Sisters colleges, when in fact Dawn just finds everything about the American system of governance “confusing” and thinks about it as little as possible.

Anyway, I know Wilbur’s emotionally fragile right now, but I regret to tell him that “Let’s do something fun this week!” doesn’t sound like a plan at all! It actually sounds like what you’d say if you don’t want to hang out with someone but also don’t want to explicitly say that, and you hope that not nailing down any specifics will allow you to get out of a social obligation unnoticed.

Judge Parker, 7/14/24

So it turns out Sophie had a little problem with a rip current and was rescued not by Lucas, the increasingly whiny drip who has a crush on her, but by his hunkier, significantly chiller older brother Glen, and I thought that was setting up a tired love triangle type story? Except no, what it’s actually setting up an exciting underwater zombie type story and I am immediately 100% on board for it. Sorry hunks! It’s zombie time now.

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 7/13/24

Hey, he got made but he didn’t get caught, seeing as he’s standing right here in front of you a free tween. He can still pull this off! Look, his shirt is exactly same color as the couch, you could easily camouflage him as part of the decor when the cops show up!

Mary Worth, 7/13/24

DAWN [thinking]: “Ha ha, when he says they ‘saved’ him, he probably means he once again fell into the water and they had to fish him out, right? He doesn’t mean they saved him emotionally, right? Not gonna ask that out loud. Better just to assume. Don’t really want to know the truth.”

Gil Thorp, 7/13/24

[getting increasingly agitated] Wait, who won it? Who is the winner?? [calming down] Oh, right, it’s a literary device to create suspense, we’ll find out tomorrow, that’s fine, I can wait [suddenly getting agitated again] Oh NO it’s SATURDAY, Gil Thorp doesn’t run on Sundays, I gotta wait till Monday, HOW AM I GONNA WAIT TILL MONDAY