Post Content

Luann, 8/27/10

Most of you read today’s Luann in the paper (we’re all still reading the comics in the paper, right?) and then poked at the URL at the bottom of the third panel with your finger a few times, remembered that we don’t live in the future yet, and went about your day. A brave few of you went online to hear “Hey Boy” in all its glory, planning on putting it on your Facebook and Twitter and totally leveraging the Luann brand across social networks, only to discover that embedding was disabled for some reason, almost as if the creators were worried about people putting it on their websites and making fun of it. And yet they didn’t turn off comments, which is great, because it meant that we were rewarded with this most ultraserious comment about a terrible rendition of a dumb song from a comic strip that has ever been posted on the Internet, from “PalatinPorteau”:

The lyrics were about what I’d imagine a teenage girl like Luann to write in a poem, but the production values were not impressive. If you’re going to have such a breathy vocalist, you need to balance that with music that doesn’t sound as if Quill said, “well, if you’re not going to sing any stronger, then I’m not going to back you up any firmer either. Oh, and forget the bass, I’m taking that with me and I’m leaving right now.”

There is literally nothing I can follow this up with, other than a brief note that the lyrics “one of us is bustin’ free” is of course accompanied by a drawing of Luann in a bathing suit.

Apartment 3-G, 8/27/10

Ha ha, at last, the dark heart of the current Apartment 3-G storyline is revealed, and we see the terrifying psychological warfare that the I Dressed In The Dark politburo uses to force its will on the hapless contestants. How much do you really love your long, flowing hair Lu Ann? Do you love it so much that you’re willing to see Tommie and Margo tortured? Actually, based on all the simpering she’s been doing, she probably does. I don’t think she particularly likes Tommie and Margo much anyway.

Pluggers, 8/27/10

Oh, please, we all know that pluggers have the local pizza place’s number memorized. Sometimes they’ll call when they not even hungry, just lonely, just because they need to hear another human voice, which explains a lot about their waistlines.

Post Content

Beetle Bailey, 8/26/10

Since I’m prone to cruelly mock the comics colorists when they fail to acknowledge even the most obvious of in-strip cues, I feel obliged to praise them for their service and dedication when I see evidence of it. Take today’s Beetle Bailey, for instance. In panel one, Dr. Mustache (I have no idea what this ancillary character’s name is, but since this is Beetle Bailey, it may well actually be “Dr. Mustache”) has clearly been drawn wearing a scoop-necked sweater vest over what, based on the tie, we must presume to be a dress shirt of some kind. The colorists left the shirt white, which makes sense, and colored the vest a sort of teal, which is aesthetically questionable but not outside the realm of possibility.

Then! Panel two! The artist decided to draw Dr. Mustache writing angrily on a clipboard, and then realized that doing so would place the doctor’s hand and pen right in front of the vest’s neckline area, and then decided that drawing in the details behind the hand would just be too hard, and so the doctor is now suddenly wearing some kind of undifferentiated torso-covering garment. But our brave colorist remembers! He or she cannot just forget about the sweater vest from the previous panel, and so heroically draws in a neckline, even doing a bit of detail work on the doctor’s left, all without predrawn lines to serve as a guide. The tie appears to be beyond his or her capabilities, but we must salute the brave attempt to pick up the slack left by the actual strip artist, who, we cannot emphasize enough, is paid good money to draw a strip that will appear in virtually every newspaper in America until the newspaper industry goes out of business completely. So kudos to you, anonymous colorist! Too bad you couldn’t do anything about the incomprehensible punchline.

Apartment 3-G, 8/26/10

Poor Lu Ann, so dim she can’t even recognize the old game of Good Makeover Reality Show Host, Bad Makeover Reality Show Host. Kitty will have her sporting a goth-black brush cut in no time!

Post Content

Mary Worth, 8/22/10

I’m pretty sure there’s some kind of “most consistently hilarious depiction of drunkenness in a comic strip” Reuben Award, and Mary Worth is gunning for it, hard. Lonnie began his drunken day with a jacket and pants of different colors — obviously, the hard drinking has destroyed the fashion centers of his brain. (That’s why he only wears grey now.) But once he’s got a real bender on, we can see the true horror that booze does to a man. Did Lonnie unbutton and then drunkenly try to rebutton his shirt? Probably! Because that’s what alcohol does. It leaves your wispy stomach hairs visible for the world to see. Is this what you want for yourself? Turn away from the drinking, before it’s too late!

Apartment 3-G, 8/22/10

I’m pretty sure that Lu Ann’s stylist is supposed to be some sort of sassy gay artiste. Unfortunately, as depicted, he looks more like the answer to the question “What if Mr. Clean were a supervillain who was also a resurrected undead king from ancient Sumer?” This is a question that I’m pretty sure has never been asked, ever, and even if it were I would hope that the character so described would not be saddled with the name “Mister Mojo.”

Funky Winkerbean, 8/22/10

Ha ha! It’s funny because Funky can’t feel joy, due to his crippling emotional problems.