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Gil Thorp, 2/3/09

Is today’s Gil Thorp the hottest Gil Thorp ever? Probably! It has a little something for everyone: panel three features Brenda and Dylan “connecting” with some sexy hetero making out (or maybe emergency mouth-to-mouth, or mutual cannibalism — it’s hard to tell), and panel two has two Lady Mudlarks I can’t identify (one of whom may also be Brenda, who knows) making sexy eye contact in preparation for the post-victory locker-room hookup. In panel one, meanwhile, Bryce Larkin works out obsessively at Jo’s Gym (motto: “We created our logo ourself rather than paying professional graphics designers; sure, it’s unspeakably shitty, but now we have more money to spend on free weights”) to get his body so taut and muscular that Gil won’t be able to reject his advances again, presaging hottness to come.

Momma, 2/3/09

Is today’s Momma the hottest Momma ever? Probably! Sure, the action is mostly incomprehensible — Is Francis supposed to be underage? Is the lovelorn cashier offering to cover up the fact he’s buying booze with his mother’s money? How is it possible that anyone is attracted to Francis? — but at least it’s a Momma that involves romantic attraction and yet doesn’t dwell on Momma’s demented, perverted suitors, her doomed attempts to protect Marylou’s virtue, or her unsettling Oedipal relationship with her sons, so let’s just count our blessings and move on.

Mark Trail, 2/3/09

“No, this situation doesn’t involve me! As a result, I’m just going to leave my weeping, terrified friend alone with her violent, angry husband! I’m sorry about this, Patty … I’ll send you copies of the nonspecified pictures, which a jealous person might assume would be sexy!”

Apartment 3-G, 2/3/09

“So you just allowed your husband to go out and follow his passions and convictions, rather than forcing him to spend all his time servicing you and earning money to buy you nice things? My head swivels in disapproval! That’s not how it’s going to be when I marry Eric — not if that combination tracking device/shock collar I just ordered from Amazon has anything to say about it.”

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Dick Tracy, 1/28/09

I spent longer than I care to recount staring at the final panel of this cartoon, trying to figure out what Dick was getting at. Was there some other way to pronounce “perfume” that would cause this apparent play on words to make some sort of sense? “Especially because you’re making perfume for my wife. Or is it per-foom-ay? Just like your house went a-boom-ay? Wait, no, hold on a second…” Eventually, I figured out that the final word panel should be read as “Or is it perfume?” I don’t want to single out Dick Tracy, because Random Bolding Syndrome is an affliction that strikes virtually every comic ever created, though some more than others (*cough* Mark Trail *cough*). Here’s a helpful tip for comics artists: try reading your dialogue aloud, adding emphasis, before committing it to word balloons, OK?

I did not, however, have to think very long to figure out what Dick was getting at with “Just want to know you better” in the first panel; obviously it involves electrodes, sensitive body parts, pleas for mercy, etc.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 1/28/09

I can’t even begin to tell you how unsettled I am by panel two Rex, with his pursed, fleshy lips and suddenly beady and lizard-like eyes. Maybe he’s trying to cut his usual condescending tone to his wife by feigning a sympathetic and concerned facial expression, but he has no real idea what that would look like, so he’s just flexing his face muscles at random and hoping for the best. Meanwhile, in panel three, Rex and June look less like they’re discussing the abstract possibility of some little boy they don’t know being lost, and more like they’ve been given some terrible, devastating piece of personal news, like “Little Sarah didn’t get into that elite pre-school because they found her uncanny and creepy” or “Honcho Magazine no longer has home delivery.”

Crankshaft, 1/28/09

It’s good to know that the ’Shaft occasionally feels a frisson of remorse for his many monstrous crimes.

Apartment 3-G, 1/28/09

“Love! Happiness! The giddiness of a new relationship! I … I … does not compute! Should I just slit her throat now and make a run for it?”

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Apartment 3-G, 1/26/09

While a small but tragic percentage of people who say (or thought-balloon) things like “Who is this friendly, cheerful woman and what has she done with the real Nora Mills??” suffer from a form of mental illness, most people are speaking figuratively. “Ha, obviously this person is in fact Nora Mills, but she is acting in a way so at variance with her normal behavior, it’s as if she’s a different person! Which I know isn’t really true! I’m not coked up and paranoid, not me! Steady, Margo, steady…”

But Margo’s speculation may in fact be neither delusion nor elaborate metaphor. Because this Nora Mills has a short and kicky haircut, while the one we met earlier had shoulder-length locks with a Marilyn Quayle flip. Now, normally that would just be an indication that Nora decided on a new hairstyle, but in Apartment 3-G-world, hairstyles are the only way to distinguish between people of the same age and gender. (I was going to add “ethnic group” to that list, but then I realized, ha ha.) Thus, it is actually quite likely that this is an entirely different Nora Mills, possibly because Margo doesn’t realize that the first Google hit on a relatively common name isn’t necessarily the person you’re looking for.

Rex Morgan, M.D, 1/26/09

Oh, June! If you think you’re going to extract some kind of refund from a bankrupt corporation, let me sit down with you and explain the term “secured creditor.” Still, you’re also gamely attempting to seduce your husband by showing some leg, so I guess hope springs eternal.

Dick Tracy, 1/26/09

Like the rest of us, Dick has clearly become bored with this perfume storyline and has put on his cat-burglar suit for a little breaking and entry. Whether he’s doing so as part of a secret government operation, in league with a rogue group of law enforcement officers with their own agenda, or just because he wants to steal some stuff, it’s sure to be more interesting than the marketing of “Love Fire.”

Marmaduke, 1/26/09

“And yet he’s not here! Maybe this slavering hell-hound with what looks to be blood all over his teeth has something to do with that.”