Archive: Apartment 3-G

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Sorry, I did not get a chance to pen my “What it’s like to be on Jeopardy!” epic today — sometime tomorrow, I promise, OK? Meanwhile, enjoy this fine comic commentary.

Mary Worth, 7/23/08

Dear creators and publishers of Mary Worth:

The following is a list of subjects that I never want to see discussed in your feature under any circumstances at any point in the future:

  • Mary’s “tender bud”
  • Jeff’s “dirty root”

If you must focus on an intimate part of someone’s anatomy, why not do a sequence on the ass of the gentleman walking into the Bum Boat ahead of our reunited lovebirds? You’ve featured it prominently enough, and anyone who wears jeans that color probably wouldn’t bother with pretentious, repulsive plant metaphors.

Apartment 3-G, 7/23/08

“And then — and only then — I’ll let him see me with the top button of this shirt unbuttoned.”

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 7/23/08

Haw haw! Hillbillies live surrounded by piles of their own garbage!

Marmaduke, 7/23/08

Marmaduke doesn’t consider a shoe to be a “prize” unless there’s still a human foot inside of it.

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Hagar the Horrible, 7/22/08

You know, the “joke” in this comic would have worked just as well (which is to say NOT VERY WELL AT ALL) if Lucky Eddie hadn’t been drawn to look like the Nazis in Raiders Of The Lost Ark right after they opened the Ark of the Covenant. As it is, we are left to wonder why Doctor Zook is handing out platitudes about a healthy diet to a patient who obviously either hasn’t slept in six days or has just been hit in the face with a brick.

Apartment 3-G, 7/22/08

“Ha, I knew it would be dangerous to bring my diary on this mission — why, it could have fallen into the hands of the Red Chinese! It was a stroke of genius to call my personal assistant on this landline and have her write in my diary for me, which is safely back at home in the U.S. Now the Chinese police will be none the wiser. I’d better use everyone’s full name, too, in case I forget who I was talking about years later when I look at what she wrote.”

Mary Worth, 7/22/08

As she finally resigns herself to this “human affection” thing she’s heard so much about, Mary Worth decides to try putting her head on Jeff’s shoulder, a romance technique she learned from a song on the local oldies station. A good first effort, Mary, but next time you might want to bend at the neck, not the waist.

Judge Parker, 7/22/08

You know, like Freud almost said, sometimes a golf club is just a golf club.

Not in this case, though. This strip is obviously about the fact that Sam and Abbey haven’t had sex since 1995.

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Gil Thorp, 7/17/08

While it’s true that the U.S. military was under intense pressure to come up with an “outside the box” solution that would bring the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan to successful conclusions, “colossally misguided” was one of the kinder things future strategists and historians would have to say about the decision to deploy the Milford Mudlarks against the Taliban.

Apartment 3-G, 7/17/08

Desperate to stay relevant and solvent in a rapidly changing society, the League Of Wandering Eastern Holy Men signed a three-year contract with Hallmark to deliver all of their gnomic advice and warnings in greeting card form.

Judge Parker, 7/17/08

Sam surveyed the scene and had to be pleased: the dunce-capped lawyers from Dewey and Cheatem stood with their heads slumped, reciting their bourgeois, parasitic crimes against the proletariat in a soul-broken monotone, so that $50,000 advance couldn’t be far off; plus, the peasants who were occupying the newly nationalized golf course were well on their way towards meeting their five-year-plan goals for steel production.

Spider-Man, 7/17/08

I was going to make a “surrender Dorothy” joke here, but then I realized that Dorothy Gale showed courage, loyalty, and initiative, and in no way deserves to be compared to Spider-Man — except in the sense that she defeated her nemesis by accident, which is probably the best that Peter Parker can hope for.