Post Content

Mark Trail, 9/9/13

Guys, it seems that those surveyors we heard about last week are looking for good spots to drill for oil in Lost Forest! They’re being backed by Senator Mason — a senator who Mark “supported,” which means that … he voted for him, or gave him money, or wrote a long puff piece about him in Woods and Wildlife Magazine, who can tell, but the point is that Mark owns this guy and how dare he sign off on fracking near Mark’s idyllic forest. I hope he doesn’t mind Mark stopping by unannounced! I’m sure he won’t. There’s literally nothing our elected officials like better than when random citizens ring their doorbell at dinner time to demand the advancement of their pet causes.

Mark has had some senatorial encounters before: he was pals with a senator who liked to pimp-slap sassy citizens, even if that meant that he got punched in return, triggering a near-fatal heart attack. Together, he and Mark exposed the sweaty corruption of his senatorial rival. But neither of those senators was named Mason, so I guess this is a third guy? Lost Forest has three senators? Sure, why not, makes as much sense as anything else in this strip.

Spider-Man, 9/9/13

Ha ha, Spider-Man is just kidding, except deep down inside where he’s totally not kidding. It’s almost as if being an unlikeable loser who literally nobody likes has hurt his self-esteem, somehow.

Apartment 3-G, 9/9/13

“Is that giggling I hear? Levity? At a time like this? Kids, the lieutenant governor just had a massive stroke, show some fucking respect.“

Post Content

Beetle Bailey, 9/4/13

I was going to say something snide here about how if you hear the phrase “3-D printing” on the news you can’t just panic and throw it into a comic at random, you have to do a few minutes of research about what 3-D printing actually is, but then I thought: what if Gizmo has one of those 3-D printers that can create living tissue and has decided to make another version of General Halftrack, piece by piece? If nothing else, this horrible 3-D-printed abomination of science will allow us to do some good nature vs. nurture studies about terrible, crippling alcoholism.

Mark Trail, 9/4/13

Now that Mark Trail’s gotten all the punching out of the way early, the strip is free to draw out the rest of this storyline as one long, dull anticlimax. “Thanks for the tip, Dusty … it turns out it was surveyors who had been damaging our fence! They had been leaning their equipment up against it. I explained to them why they shouldn’t do that, and they apologized and said they wouldn’t do it again. Anyway, good luck catching those poachers! I’m going to go get some pancakes.”

Apartment 3-G, 9/4/13

Oh my goodness, which character from Apartment 3-G will suddenly find themselves appointed the new Lieutenant Governor of New York? Probably Tommie, right? Lieutenant Governor is about the most boring political office America has to offer, Tommie’d be perfect.

B.C., 9/4/13

Wait, none of the ant-adults in B.C. have jobs? All the stories about their work ethic are just lies!

Post Content

Apartment 3-G, 8/30/13

Uh oh, looks like there’s another proposal in the works for Lu Ann! She was already engaged to Scott Gaines the cartoonishly rich janitor in 2005 and then got engaged to Paul Linski on the 10th anniversary of 9/11 and I think she was engaged to someone else in between there too? I’m blanking now. We all know the chances of Lu Ann ever actually marrying anybody are nil, because that’d ruin the strip and also she’s emotionally and intellectually a child, so I guess the drama is whether she’ll accept the proposal and then dump the governor later or just kick him to the curb right now.

I suppose it’s appropriate that Lu Ann is most frequently engaged Apartment 3-G girl, since Margo is too much woman for most men; her one shot at marriage came when she found an engagement ring while snooping around her boyfriend’s apartment, right before he died in an avalanche. Pretty sure Tommie’s never been engaged, but even if she had been I’m certain it was super-boring and am not even going to bother hunting through my archives to find the sad evidence.

Momma, 8/30/13

This punchline was supposed to read “699,” right? Because otherwise Momma’s really managing to luck out!

Shoe, 8/30/13

Ha ha, it’s funny because the sexy lady bird has breast implants! Also, she’s sitting like five feet away from these other bird-people who are all ogling and/or gossiping about her. SHE CAN TOTALLY HEAR YOU, GUYS.