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Spider-Man, 10/1/12

So Spider-Man finally had to resort to some extremely mild superheroics in order to defeat Clown-9, and I think we can all be grateful that that’s over. Because now the strip can get back to its core competency: Spider-Man’s irritating personal and domestic situation, or, in his absence (obviously he’s earned a few days of semi-conscious TV time), that of his wife. I sure hope you want to see petty bickering behind the scenes of Broadway’s most terrible comedy sensation, because it seems that’s going to be the theme of our week!

Today Jericho demonstrates that he’s too dumb to recognize when he’s been insulted, which is probably a good quality to have if you’re both thin-skinned and the sort of person that people want to insult. But he also demonstrates the natural-born actor’s native eloquence: “Spider-Man’s victory over a deranged clown” is surely one of the most pleasing turns of phrase we’re likely to see in this strip all year.

Apartment 3-G, 10/1/12

Margo, you’re slipping, girl! The best way to maintain your dignity is to act as if everything you do is dignified and ignore the opinions of other, lesser people on the subject. “Greg, my paid manservant Evan was just tending to my physical needs and you interrupted his process! This is very inconvenient for me. I demand that you apologize to him for the imposition. I believe he’s weeping quietly to himself in a corner somewhere, I’m sure you can find him, just follow the sobbing.”

B.C., 10/1/12

Today’s B.C. features vicious carnivores using dismembered corpse parts as currency, in a scene that would fit in perfectly either in the most depraved of shock-horror films or in the beloved, family-friendly confines of the comics page! The pool of blood spreading out from beneath the quivering heap of viscera is a nice touch.

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Apartment 3-G, 9/29/12

Oh, man, it looks like Apartment 3-G is just going to keep on getting sexier, only by sexy we unfortunately mean “’70s French sex farce where people keep barging in on each other and otherwise having comical misunderstandings sexy” rather than “actually sexy.” Didn’t Margo have a receptionist at some point earlier in this storyline? She doesnt seem to be doing a particularly good job. Greg, meanwhile, is showing that, you know, MFF, MMF, whatever, if it’s a threesome he wants in.

Blondie, 9/29/12

Haha, Blondie wants no part of growing old with Dagwood! The only question now is what route she’s taking out of this marriage: divorce, murder, or murder-suicide.

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Archie, 9/28/12

Rarely have I ever wanted to know more about the backstory to a two-panel Archie newspaper comic rerun from the mid-to-late ’90s than I do today. Based on this snooty waiter’s fancy outfit, I’m assuming our Riverdale teens have decided to skip Pop’s today and instead test their culinary palette at some upscale dining establishment. (They’re clearly so used to eating at the diner counter that they’ve gathered awkwardly on one side of the table.) But why? And now that they’re here, do they feel underdressed or otherwise class-anxious, or are they oblivious to the socioeconomic factors at play? And then of course there’s the question of whether Chez Elitist has a fancy-food buffet at fancy-food prices, or if the waiter is just attempting to get Archie and the gang to finally feel shame by shoving their proletarian desires to gorge themselves in their faces, hoping they’ll slink out without further embarrassing the swells.

Apartment 3-G, 9/28/12

I’m really sorry I didn’t discuss yesterday’s Apartment 3-G, in which Lu Ann spent a languorous bubble bath thinking about her date with Greg, because if I had I’d have more context for talking about how very rapidly this strip is turning into a porno — specifically, if Evan’s stiff, awkward posture is any indication, a porno acted out entirely by Barbie and Ken dolls wearing the least interesting outfits that Mattel sells.

Family Circus, 9/28/12

“I glad God hasn’t disappeared in a puff of my own doubts yet, leaving me bereft of moral purpose and unable to come up with any course of action beyond one that indulges my most immediate and basest desires!”

Luann, 9/28/12

Guys, what do you suppose it’s like, spending time and effort to draw a sexy teenage girl, lavishing loving detail on her revealing clothes and her cleavage and crotch, then creating a storyline for her that aims to prove that she deserves ill treatment because of the sexy way you drew her? Probably pretty exhausting, right?