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Archie, 10/29/12

Ha ha, yes, “romantic” is a word teenagers would like to hear when discussing their supposedly happily married parents meeting up with their exes. Good conversational gambit there, Betty! You can hardly blame her, though: she’s probably already resigned to Archie choosing Veronica over her, and is now setting herself up for the long game, plotting to swoop down and win him back sometime in middle age. “So, the Andrews men aren’t sexually attracted to women who’ve had a lot of kids, eh? Time to start selling Ronnie on the joys of a big family!”

Apartment 3-G, 10/29/12

Wait, did I miss important Apartment 3-G developments, like Greg proclaiming his eternal love for Lu Ann where Margo could hear? Whatever, I’m just glad to see Margo still has her priorities in the right place. “Lu Ann can have Greg Cooper. He’s less than nothing to me, if by ‘less than nothing’ you mean ‘a lucrative client of my fledgling publicity agency.'” I’m really looking forward to putting together a “Margo is the world’s worst publicist” montage in a year or so when she abruptly decides to start half-assing another line of work.

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Family Circus, 10/21/12

Ha ha, yes, it’s all good nonpartisan election season fun, but I’d just like to point out that, within the Kompound, the Keane Kids by no means constitute a minority group. In fact, they outnumber Keane adults two to one, which is why it’s all the more important to keep them placated with delicious cookies, lest they rise up in violent revolution.

It’s not surprising that PJ is Big Daddy Keane’s favorite son, though. I think his inability to talk is probably the deciding factor.

Archie, 10/21/12

The real shock here is not that Mr. Lodge is directing his manservant to do his painting for him — after all, many great artists throughout history have mainly come up with concepts and served as more of a supervisor of craftsmen who do the day-to-day work — but that he’s referring to the blue figure in the final panel has having any “flesh tone.” Mr. Lodge’s radical anti-racist show, “Whose Flesh?”, will be premiering in a hip art space in a disused warehouse on the seedy edge of downtown Riverdale next week.

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Archie, 10/12/12

Let’s forget for the moment Reggie’s absurd claim that his laptop has petabytes of storage, and the fact that he and Jughead are having one of those hilarious “haha we are misunderstanding each other’s use of polysemous phrases, with hilarious results!” conversations that no humans ever have, ever, or even that Jughead might be vaguely implying that his beloved dog is a cyborg replicant. Let’s instead enjoy the glory and majesty of Reggie’s sweater, which is the ’90sest sweater that ever lit a candle at a spontaneous vigil that formed on the quad the night Kurt Cobain committed suicide and then later got a “Rachel” haircut. Admire it in all its Clinton-era glory!

Phantom, 10/12/12

Look, I’m the guy who will bawl uncontrollably in a movie whenever an adorable animal is killed or injured in the most transparently emotionally manipulative fashion you can name, but … hey Phantom, I know you’re hurting, but you’re being kind of a dick here? “HE WAS TRYING TO PROTECT BOTH OF US, OKAY? BUT MOSTLY ME, OKAY? BACK OFF, MAN, HE’S MY LOYAL WOLF-DOG!!!”

Funky Winkerbean, 10/12/12

“Yeah, my first wife sure scarred me emotionally and left me the morbid hate-sack I am today! How about your first wife? Oh, right, dropped dead. Hey, look, I have a whole pizza here, let’s punish our colons with it!”