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Hi and Lois, 9/25/12

Children, acting as canary consumers in our nation’s media landscape coal mine, stopped reading newspapers long ago, so syndicated comics artists are free to run out the clock on the remainder of the newspaper industry’s lifespan without having to cater to the delicate sensibilities of sheltered, modern-day youth. This means, among other things, that “Thirsty” Thurston is being reclaimed as the lovable drunk that he was originally conceived of being, back in the day when alcoholism was a quirky affectation rather than a terrible disease and crippling social problem. Having already filled his garage with beer and gotten bombed at lunch right in front of a co-worker, Thirsty is now just drunkenly stumbling around first thing in the morning, wearing a filthy shirt (no doubt befouled by his own sick) and scattering his empties around the neighborhood so as not to further humiliate his wife.

Archie, 9/25/12

There’s a lot I don’t understand about the set-up to this strip — is “downtown” not considered part of Riverdale? wasn’t the Interstate Highway pretty much built out years ago, especially in dense city centers? — but the punchline makes total sense to me. Ha ha, Archie is hated by the inhabitants of his home town, who pelt him with rocks whenever they see him!

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Apartment 3-G, 9/19/12

Oh boy, Aunt Cathy’s back! You remember Aunt Cathy: she’s the aunt whose love Evan treasures so much, and who in return sometimes remembers that Evan exists. Anyway, she’s perfect for helping Evan with his new job, which involves recruiting and training suicide bombers.

Beetle Bailey, 9/19/12

Haha, remember in the ’90s, when General Halftrack was forced to endure sexual harassment training, because apparently you’re not allowed to tell ladies anymore that you have sexual access to them just because they work for you? Well, maybe some of the other members of his staff should have been included.

Archie, 9/19/12

“And I mean, I really want you to take it out. Bring this overflowing bag of putrefying filth to a nice restaurant, hold hands with it at the movies, go park somewhere secluded with it, maybe try to get second base. And take pictures! I want to see pictures!”

Family Circus, 9/19/12

“Mommy, PJ needs a hug but I have more love in my heart for these unfeeling plastic objects than I ever will for any human being!”

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Crankshaft, 9/18/12

One of my favorite things about Crankshaft (sorry, don’t have time to figure out all the levels of irony involved in my spontaneous decision to apply the word “favorite” to Crankshaft there) is that even when its characters are just bandying dumb puns back and forth, their facial expressions make it look like they’re the last survivors of a genocidal assault that took their entire families. Normally this is just a result of the vague sense of anxiety and unease that pervades the Funkyverse, but in this case Jeff is probably worried, with some justification, that his wife’s mind is going, and she’ll soon be an irritated, malaprop-spouting shell of her former self, just like her father.

Hagar the Horrible, 9/18/12

We often see the same situations over and over again in Hagar the Horrible, and as I’ve said before, I’ve come to believe that this is because events in the strip are playing out in a nonlinear narrative. Thus, every castle raid shown is really just a different moment in a single castle raid, every strip that features Hagar and Eddie in the dungeon is a different moment in the same stretch of imprisonment, etc. “Hagar and Eddie on a desert island” is another repeating trope, but I don’t believe I’ve ever seen the rest of the crew of Hagar’s ship similarly marooned with them. Still, I’m going to assume that this is again the same shipwreck, and what we’re seeing here is the early days of their time as castaways, before the turn to cannibalism.

Archie, 9/18/12

The silent, expressionless way Archie’s mom is staring at her son is pretty harrowing. Don’t complain about static cling, Arch; you’re lucky she can operate the dryer at all, as she appears to have taken many, many quaaludes.

Family Circus, 9/18/12

“Either that or the house is on fire, and the two of us will soon sizzle and cook like bacon in a pan. We’ll just have to wait and see! Have I mentioned that my home life is so oppressive that I don’t care whether I live or die?”

Funky Winkerbean, 9/18/12

“And then, once the paralytic drugs we’ve laced the wedding cake with kick in, we’ll laminate everybody and hang them on walls all over the house! We’ll never be lonely again!”

Mary Worth, 9/18/12

“Take you, for instance! You’re terribly crippled emotionally. I can tell by the way you dress. Which, admittedly, is visible. All too visible, frankly.”

Mark Trail, 9/18/12

HA HA RUSTY YES CRY BITTER, FLESH-COLORED TEARS