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The Phantom, 9/4/12

Hey, everybody, the Phantom is starting a new plot! This one’s of the type that fascinate me the most, where the strip genuinely tries to grapple with the sociopolitical realities of post-colonial Africa. In this plot, the Llongo, a tribe living in rural Bangalla, are negotiating with some businessdudes over a treasure trove of rare earth metals sitting under Llongo land. Today we learn that, like many African people, the Llongo suffered from violent attempts to expropriate their resources during the colonial era. Will the new multinational elite treat them badly in their own way? I’m guessing “yes,” since otherwise there’ll be no plot! Still, the best thing about this strip is the Phantom talking about “the law!” while putting a large book on a shelf with dozens of other volumes that look just like it, making him appear to be The Ghost-Who-Advertises-Legal-Services-On-Local-TV. No doubt he will eventually be enforcing various contract provisions and environmental regulations … with his fists.

Momma, 9/4/12

Since Francis’s predominant personality trait is sloth, we must determine how his flailing energetically about in a backyard pool fits in with his larger plans to never do any work whatsoever if he can avoid it. Does Francis believe that if he sends this photo to Michael Phelps the swimmer will invite him to become part of his posse and possibly put him in charge of bong maintenance? Or are we seeing another side of Francis’s character — the side where he wants nothing to do with Momma in non-Momma-giving-money-to-Francis contexts — and this is an attempt to appear so aggressively deranged that Momma stops hanging out with him?

Archie, 9/4/12

I thought at first that Jughead looked so pissed in the final panel because of his contempt for low-calorie foodstuffs, but then I decided that he rightfully believes that the terrible sub-pun he’s being forced to recite is beneath even his dignity.

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Family Circus and Dennis the Menace, 9/3/12

Happy Labor Day, everybody! Let’s all celebrate the prosperity of the American worker, which has allowed the children of the American worker to become whiny, entitled brats who can only say “gimmie gimmie gimmie.” Looks like a century of child labor laws have had negative social consequences after all! Let’s get Dennis and Billy to work in a glove factory stat and shut their greed-holes with good, honest manual labor at 50 cents an hour.

Gasoline Alley, 9/3/12

Gasoline Alley traditionally celebrates Labor Day by eschewing its usual inane plots for elaborate drawings of chain-link fences. Today’s strip contains a shocking innovation, however: acknowledgement that a so-called “Internet” exists, and that Gasoline Alley strips can be found there. Given the no-doubt extensive overlap between people who still pay for print newspaper subscriptions and people who faithfully read Gasoline Alley in the newspaper because they are unaware of other alternatives, this seems like a poor business decision.

Archie, 9/3/12

Today’s Archie may be telling us that in times of idleness we desire business and vice-versa, so that we are never truly at ease; it may be making a larger point that the things we desire will never be as sweet as we imagine; or it may be more specific, showing us that Archie himself cannot stand to spend quiet time with himself without confronting his own essential emptiness. This is pretty heavy stuff, particularly for Reggie, whose own obnoxious egotism has largely shielded him from any kind of depressing introspection.

Marmaduke, 9/3/12

Don’t be alarmed, Dottie! Like you, Marmaduke is “watching his weight.” Specifically, he needs to regulate the amount of human flesh-meat he consumes in order to be as svelte a hell-demon as he can be. So even if that number is a little higher than you’d like, be glad, because your extra pounds are all that stand between you and gory annihilation.

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The Lockhorns, 8/14/12

One of the twisted, dysfunctional “games” played by George and Martha, the main characters in Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?, is talking about their non-existent son. They each tell stories about him, making things up as they go along to create a fuller picture of him; but, as in all improv, the rule is that each has to take the other’s story as canonical. This is a private game, though, and when Martha starts playing it in front of another couple specifically to annoy George, George retaliates by telling her their fake son died in a car crash.

This is a long way to point out that, like George and Martha, Leroy and Loretta don’t have any children either. So I suppose that whatever just happened in that big box store was some variation on George and Martha’s game — a little less creepy, perhaps, but a lot more expensive.

Curtis, 8/14/12

I’m actually really enjoying this “Curtis and Barry are trapped in an apartment with a dead lady and a bunch of cats” storyline, as it’s the strangest and more interesting thing to happen in the strip since Kwanzaa. Still, I question whether old people actually have more lightbulbs on hand than younger folks, and I also would have enjoyed seeing the Wilkins boys come up with an adult diaper-based escape plan.

Archie, 8/14/12

I’m really looking forward to violent class war breaking out in Riverdale! Which of the town’s proletarians will abandon class consciousness and side with their capitalist oppressors? Reggie? It’ll be Reggie, right?