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Your comment of the week in a moment but first, a quick link to me by many reader! Do you enjoy the cheery innocence of Archie but think to yourself, “This would be so much better if it were soul-blightingly depressing?” Well, your dreams are about to come true my friend.

And now! Your week’s top comment!

“Be careful Mr. Brooks — I mean Trey. You don’t want to know where that finger has been. Here’s a hint: Mrs. Bloom’s cat’s anus, piano shopping, Margo. Enjoy your plant!” –Mikey

And your runners up! Very funny!

“If Doc is a vet, shouldn’t he have put Rusty down by now?” –littlestevie

“Jill was wise to turn down Mary’s appetizer-size salmon rounds. When they’re combined with mass quantities of alcohol, projectile vomiting is inevitable.” –Alfred E. Neuman

“Lois does not do a single thing in today’s strip that is inconsistent with initiating a ritualistic mass suicide. My only doubt is whether this is economic collapse suicide or doomsday cult suicide. On the one hand, she is a real estate agent; on the other hand, she’s wearing creepy white vestments and an eerie sense of beatitude.” –Lorne

“Barbecue or thinly veiled attempt to thin the brood through pneumonia? That’s for a judge to decide.” –NoahSnark

“For people whose favorite restaurant is the Bum Boat, having a butler at your rehearsal dinner seems like overkill.” –Patrick

“In G.I. Joe, knowing is half the battle. In Crankshaft, it’s just being annoyed with the ‘joke’ in a different way.” –TheDiva

“Is Cherry actually thinking that Mark is off having a romantic rendezvous with a woman? It’s sad that after all these years she still doesn’t know Mark at all.” –Digger

“The only constant in the Gil Thorp universe is Gil’s sullen refusal to give Marty anything remotely interesting for his interviews. But Marty will laugh last, with ‘DRUNK ANNOUNCER MURDERS COACH.'” –Uncle Lumpy

“I think I know why Cherry’s so pissed: No one in the strip ever told her other tops besides button-down shirts actually existed, as she apparently just found out.” –Jason1981

“Dr. Jeff just keeps yakking through the social unpleasantness. Likely a defensive mechanism. His remaining patients probably can’t tell him about their pain and suffering as he talks over them about the curative powers of vitamin D and dips in the condo pool.” –Johnny Knuckles

“‘What makes you think Theresa Delgado was in love with me?’ Well, shit, man, just look at how suavely you toy with your Ovaltine. What woman could resist that?” –Chyron HR

“Why, there’s nothing boring about designing buildings! Perhaps one day you can design a building for me, with elevators that have extra-large buttons that I can actually press with my ginormous hand!” –Trilobite

“I’m in love! Jill is the perfect woman for me: drunk with very low expectations from men. Don’t you dare try to change her, Mary Worth!” –Dan

“When I first saw an attractive redhead sitting next to a lazy, smug brunette jackass, I thought I was reading Spider-Man. I’m not kidding.” –Zork the Mightly

“Why is Les attempting to give some sort of PowerPoint presentation? It’s a friggin’ book tour! You usually read a part of your book, chat with the audience, sign copies … just like he’s been doing up to this point. What the hell does he need visual aids for? ‘And this is my wife Lisa … before she was STRUCK BY CANCER.’ ‘Here she is, WITH CANCER.’ ‘This is a picture of her grave …’ ‘This is a picture of me dancing on it while caressing all the money I’m getting from suckers like you …’ ‘Here she is as a ghost overseeing my sex life …'” –Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket

“That bookcase is indeed clearly resting on the step-stool, which means this is probably yet another unbelievably stupid ‘plan’ that someone thought was a better idea than trying to use their words. Granted, I have no idea what the intended outcome is, but that’s never stopped these people before.” –This Guy

“Mark Trail does ‘sexy’ like a four-year-old girl holding a tea party does ‘sophisticated.'” –commodorejohn

“I like the way Scott’s facial expression softens considerably in panel two, like he’s thinking ‘Well, she’s right about lies. Maybe we should let her stay.'” –Jaliben

“This would be the best Mary Worth plot ever if they hauled Jill out of the rehearsal dinner, still shouting insanity and bludgeoning people with her ketchup bottle, and then we never hear from her again. From now on when someone mentions Adrian’s wedding in the comic, there needs to be two panels of awkward silence where none of the characters make eye contact with each other, and then they messily change the subject. ‘…SO, you know who else is still crazy? That creepy shop-a-holic hoarder lady. I mean yikes.'” –Tophat

“You’re a Plugger if somebody suggests bowling as a metaphor for sex and you don’t know what a metaphor is.” –Ed Dravecky

“I feel kinda sorry for Jill. Actually I feel sorrier for Adrian; Mary Worth is touching her.” –Sarah

“JILL SMASH PUNY SOCIAL MORES!” –Mr. Goboto

“I like to think that the bouncers were lazy, and just put her right outside. Now, she is just sort of looking in and cursing, and has been for the last 45 minutes.” –lord-z

Big thanks to everyone who put cash in my tip jar! And we must of course give thanks to our advertisers:

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The Jumble, 12/4/10

Never mind the scrambled word game that I am as usual too dumb to even attempt to solve; I just spent some time squinting at the Bieber-coiffed kid on the left, trying to figure out what exactly it says on his shirt. “Butter”? “Glitter”? “Grifters”? “GBusters”? Let’s go with “GBusters.” It’s the hip new street slang for “Ghostbusters,” which is a movie that all the young kids are talking about these days.

Archie, 12/4/10

In panel three, we can see that by “social networking” Dilton means “Craigslist casual furry encounters.”

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Mark Trail, 12/1/10

GOOD MORNING AMERICA! When you got out of bed today, was your mind prepared for the prospect of seeing Mark Trail easing himself erotically out of his shirt, offering a glimpse of disturbingly smooth and featureless pink flesh behind the khaki? Were you prepared for the word balloon emerging sexily from behind that shower curtain — prepared for the unsettling feelings you’d get, knowing that the pointless, awkward sentence was being spoken by a fully nude Mark Trail? Were you prepared for the porn-ready circumstances of panel three, in which Kelly Welly prepares to “accidentally” stumble upon Mark naked and glistening with shower-dew? Were you ready for December 1, 2010, aka the most sexually charged day in history?

Mary Worth, 12/1/10

In contrast with that raw sensuality, the goings-on in Mary Worth just seem tawdry and gross. Actually, check that, they’d be tawdry and gross under any circumstances. Poor Dr. Jeff is attempting to keep a cheery expression on his face as he summons all his strength to remove Jill’s grabby hands from the erogenous zones at the back of his neck. He’s hoping that this doesn’t turn into a scene, but it might be too late: that lady in pink in the background of panel two has already swiveled her head around 180 degrees to check out the drunk-bridesmaid-on-father-of-the-bride action.

Archie, 12/1/10

It’s not clear what industry, if any, sustains Riverdale’s economy. I generally believe that the whole town is the personal fiefdom of the Lodge family, and thus it makes sense that, as panel one indicates, Mr. Lodge’s continued solvency is front-page news.