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Rex Morgan, M.D., 8/13/17

Oh my God, somehow I just now remembered that June and Rex’s pal/former household employee Heather is agonizing over the fact that her agèd, Alzheimer’s-afflicted millionaire husband is in no shape to father the baby she’s always wanted! When last we heard from her, more than a year and a half ago, June was broadly hinting that Heather knows how sex works so Heather should probably just do sex with someone and get pregnant that way. I largely forgot about this because it was a plotline from the substantially wackier Woody Wilson era of the strip, and most of those got dropped when Terry Beatty took over writing duties on the strip. But now! An adorable little baby has just fallen right into June’s lap, and surely she won’t neglect to reward Heather for her years of faithful service. The only question is: will June actually tell her desperate childhood friend that she’ll be fobbing her orphaned son off onto a gold-digging white-collar criminal who lives with her agitated and demented husband in a drafty castle in England somewhere? Or will she just wait for her friend to drop dead and then put little Johnny in the mail?

Family Circus, 8/13/17

You know, the Keane house is really a character in today’s strip! Specifically, it’s like some huge, sedentary beast, its maw open and ready to feed, and Big Daddy Keane is responsible for its excretory processes.

Panels from Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 8/13/17

“Tearin’ off chunks of my flesh to devour, and I’m still capable of feelin’ everythin’! It’s a nightmare from which there’d be no escape!”

Spider-Man, 8/13/17

So, just to emphasize here: an immortal supervillain is leading an army of awful subterranean monsters to the Earth’s surface … to ruin a wedding, and the monsters have to be quiet, because otherwise they’ll wake up his wife, who loves weddings. I take back every mean thing I ever said about Newspaper Spider-Man. This is literally the greatest comic ever made.

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Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 8/4/17

A couple years ago, Snuffy Smith brought back a beloved (?) character from days of yore, Granny Creeps, an old folk magician crone who lives in a cave. She adds an interesting element into Hootin’ Holler’s cast of characters and opens up possibilites for new kinds of stories and jokes, but thanks to the violent nature of the Holler’s society, those stories and jokes are mostly going to be about the enlistment of her dubious magical powers in the service of various long-running clan feuds.

Mark Trail, 8/4/17

HELL YEAH MAN IT’S A TREE GETTING STRUCK BY LIGHTNING AND THEN A HORSE JUMPING OVER A CLIFF

THERE’S CONTEXT FOR THIS BUT YOU DON’T REALLY NEED IT

IT’S A HORSE

JUMPING

OVER

A CLIFF

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Funky Winkerbean, 8/1/17

OK, fine, I’m still not gonna dwell on the time-jump details, but here, here’s what Jeff and Pam and Max from Crankshaft look like ten years into their future, in Funky Winkerbean. Mostly I’m featuring today’s strip because it looks like, after a decade of pouring his youth and his passion into running the Valentine, Max might finally go out of business and be forced into an uncertain job market, only to have his dad say “Gee, that’s a shame! This is where I saw my favorite movie as a kid!”

Beetle Bailey, 8/1/17

Ha ha, yes, it’s definitely funny when a disgruntled army NCO, raging against the rules that restrain his behavior, pulls his sidearm and threatens to “fight bureaucracy!” The best-case scenario here is an awful on-base spree shooting; the worst is that Orville Snorkel emulates Liberia’s Samuel Doe, becoming the second sergeant in world history to lead a successful coup.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 8/1/17

Grampy’s deflection of the parson’s obvious come-on is as charming as it is subtle.

The Lockhorns, 8/1/17

Leroy … is drunk here, right? Very drunk at 8:30 am and heading to the office?

Family Circus, 8/1/17

“Then I said, ‘That’s some inspiring shit, mom, but if you don’t buy me that costume I’m gonna have a meltdown right here in Party City the likes of which you’ve never seen.’”