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Mary Worth, 6/28/15

You know how big a fan I am of weird contextless quotes in Mary Worth, so you can imagine my absolute delight in discovering that today’s inspirational aphorism comes from Marshal Foch, the supreme commander of Allied forces on the Western Front during World War I. I’m not sure why he would’ve said this, but I choose to believe that it was in some recently declassified top-secret document in which he proposed, if Hundred Days Offensive were to end in stalemate like all the others, to reanimate the souls of the Allied war dead, set the phantasms ablaze, and have them charge eerily across No-Man’s-Land at the terrified Germans.

Anyway, obviously I thought it wasn’t ever going to get better than that image, but that was before I arrived at the final panel, in which Adam and Terry don’t even briefly pretend to be unnerved by a violent criminal, instead just cracking wise as they prepare to karate-chop him to death. I sincerely wish this comic could just sort of freeze-frame right at this moment and the credits begin to roll up, like it’s the end of the pilot of a ’70s romantic cop drama.

Panel from Slylock Fox, 6/28/15

Or maybe if he’s too proud or dumb, they’ll just watch him suffocate to death, through the transparent walls of that safe! Today’s Slylock Fox is super grim, guys.

Barney Google and Snuff Smith, 6/28/15

Jughaid just wants to stay home … in the bowels of hell itself.

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Panels from Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 6/7/15

It is of course difficult to try to suss out real human emotions on the faces of the mangled potato-people of Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, but as near as I can tell visiting flatlander Barney Google starts out smug about all the ladies who want to sex him and then when he hears that maybe they’re more into his horse he seems … intrigued? Intrigued and aroused? Intrigued, aroused, and ready to put the phrase “pony play” into his namesake search engine? Anyway, this thought so horrified me that I had to go find terrible things happening to my least favorite comics characters in order to calm down:

Funky Winkerbean and Edge City, 6/7/15

Ahhhh, Les is literally the worst reunion planner imaginable and Len has been rejected by his children, who don’t love him the way other parents’ children do. Ahhhh. That’s the stuff.

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Six Chix, 5/22/15

So, wait … is the turtle on the right a “drama queen” because it pulled its head into its shell for protection as inky black bird feces rained down from above? Or is the turtle on the left just the type to blame others for whatever misfortune befalls them? I genuinely will be puzzling over the meaning of this bizarre, grotesque cartoon all weekend, thanks a lot.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 5/22/15

Oh, man, Lukey’s crumpled face in panel two kind of kills me. “He’s right! I’m a flawed and fundamentally unlovable person, and soon everyone’s going to know the truth about how bad I am!”