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Mary Worth, 11/2/11

OMG MARY JUST GO PICK-POCKETED RIGHT THERE IN HER ELEGANT LUNCHING ESTABLISHMENT!! Look at these thugs, with their futuristic whited-out glasses and leather vests and knitted belts and man-necklaces! We all know what that ensemble means: Filthy thieving hippies. Brazen ones too: it looks like after they purloined Mary’s wallet, they walked right around Mary and Toby’s table rather than scurrying off in the other direction, to get the kicks that hard drugs no longer provide.

Sadly, this probably means that there will be no pool party for us, as Mary will be far too busy filing police reports and canceling her credit cards to engage in any such frivolity.

Apartment 3-G, 11/2/11

Every once in a while you realize that the only reason that Lu Ann and Margo have managed to survive this long as roommates is because they function on such entirely different levels that they don’t actually understand what they’re saying to each other. For instance, Margo uses the phrase “bridge-and-tunnel man” to refer to a guy into a certain sexual act so perverse that even she finds it mildly distasteful.

B.C., 11/2/11

Say what you will about Apartment 3-G’s weirdly New Jersey-focused romance plot, but it has yet to indulge in a single Jersey Shore gag.

Crankshaft, 11/2/11

It used to be that you could say, “Crankshaft may be a miserable, hateful human being who will soon die alone and unloved, as he deserves, but at least we’re never forced to contemplate what sort of ugly and pathetic libidinous impulses lurk below his crusty, misanthropic surface.” Used to be.

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Hi and Lois, 10/4/11

Fun fact about Hi and Lois (yes, fun facts about Hi and Lois exist): “Thirsty” Thurston was originally given that nickname because he was a chronic drunk. At some point, the strip toned down that aspect of his personality — you know, for the children — mostly by getting rid of his bright red nose and visible intoxication bubbles, and for the past several decades we’ve just been left to fill in the blanks for the origins of his shiftlessness, slovenliness, and unhappy marriage. But it appears that someone at Walker-Browne Amalgamated Humor Industries LLC suddenly realized (probably right about here) that children stopped reading the comics long ago, and so Thirsty’s boozehounding can now come back in full force! Earlier this week there was already a strip about how he passed out drunk on Hi’s couch and spent the night in a stupor, so I look forward to the hijinks that will ensue once he polishes off this minivan-sized box of Beer™ brand beer.

Apartment 3-G, 10/4/11

I’m pretty sure that we’re always supposed to find Margo’s high-handed demands unreasonable, which is why I find it odd that her current set of high-handed demands involve asking Lu Ann to do her job rather than comparing different shades of pastel for bridesmaids dresses and matching napkins all day. Rather than responding with “Weddings! Bah, humbug! My heart was broken by my fiancé’s death, so I must crap on your happiness!” it would kind of make more sense if Margo said, “Yeah, so, you know I’m paying you to, like, work at the art gallery, right?”

B.C., 10/4/11

Ha ha, those jokesters at B.C., they’re sure stickin’ it to those hippies, and their grass! Hippies eat grass, right? That’s how you “do” grass? If you’re a hippie? Anyway, long story short, this hippie is about to be savagely killed by a dinosaur, for his drug crimes.

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Apartment 3-G, 8/17/11

“That’s just her style, Paul. Not liking you! Not liking people is Margo’s style.”

Beetle Bailey, 8/17/11

Fans of “Sexy Miss Buxley Wednesday” are no doubt disappointed to find this week that it’s overlapped with “The depressing moment when the veil is torn away and we can see the full-on awful extent of General Halftrack’s alcoholism and self-loathing, a moment that can happen any day of the week without warning.”

B.C., 8/17/11

Ha ha, it’s funny because the turtle’s shell is covered with a toxic chemical that will eventually seep into his bloodstream and kill him!

Mark Trail, 8/17/11

OK, so we want to focus on Kelly’s eyes, so we can get a sense of the sexy plotting going on in her mind … closer … closer … AUGGGGH TOO CLOSE ABORT ABORT ABORT