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B.C., 12/16/11

A “bachelor party,” when brought up within a modern pseudo-humorous narrative, is invariably a euphemism for tawdry, regrettable erotic escapades. (This is not always true in real life; I’m sure yours was classy and not at all actionable.) Thus, I’m going to go ahead and assume that the bachelor ant here is planning on saddling this grasshopper as a prelude to some gross inter-species insect sex stuff. Whatever, let him have his fun, ants are one of those species where the males die right after mating, right? I was going to look that up, but I’ve never liked the ant characters in B.C. so I’m just going to go ahead and assume that it’s true.

Crankshaft, 12/16/11

I’m not sure why, but I find the retreating back of our Christmas Tree proprietor deeply unnerving. Maybe it’s the look of genuine horror on Crankshaft’s granddaughters face. It seems like he’s slowly and deliberately going to fetch his ax, and then, as predicted, he’s going take his payment in limbs.

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Mary Worth, 11/24/11

Happy Thanksgiving, everybody! What are you thankful for? Are you thankful that nobody at your Thanksgiving Dinner approached the table with eyes wide as dinner plates, surrounded by an eerie glow, bearing a tray full of brown … disk-like … things? Seriously, what the hell are those? Is that a teacup at the front right corner? Did Mary Worth just deep-fry a tea cup, for Thanksgiving dinner?

B.C., 11/24/11

Oh, also, are you thankful that your Thanksgiving dinner didn’t degenerate into insects talking about carnage and horror and feces?

Funky Winkerbean, 11/24/11

And if you want lessons in how not to be thankful, you can get them from Funky, obviously. “Oh, you were going to give away a trip to see one of the most breathtaking sights in the world? Whatever, people want to see dudes dressed up as maniacally grinning rats and/or pantsless ducks.”

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Mary Worth, 11/2/11

OMG MARY JUST GO PICK-POCKETED RIGHT THERE IN HER ELEGANT LUNCHING ESTABLISHMENT!! Look at these thugs, with their futuristic whited-out glasses and leather vests and knitted belts and man-necklaces! We all know what that ensemble means: Filthy thieving hippies. Brazen ones too: it looks like after they purloined Mary’s wallet, they walked right around Mary and Toby’s table rather than scurrying off in the other direction, to get the kicks that hard drugs no longer provide.

Sadly, this probably means that there will be no pool party for us, as Mary will be far too busy filing police reports and canceling her credit cards to engage in any such frivolity.

Apartment 3-G, 11/2/11

Every once in a while you realize that the only reason that Lu Ann and Margo have managed to survive this long as roommates is because they function on such entirely different levels that they don’t actually understand what they’re saying to each other. For instance, Margo uses the phrase “bridge-and-tunnel man” to refer to a guy into a certain sexual act so perverse that even she finds it mildly distasteful.

B.C., 11/2/11

Say what you will about Apartment 3-G’s weirdly New Jersey-focused romance plot, but it has yet to indulge in a single Jersey Shore gag.

Crankshaft, 11/2/11

It used to be that you could say, “Crankshaft may be a miserable, hateful human being who will soon die alone and unloved, as he deserves, but at least we’re never forced to contemplate what sort of ugly and pathetic libidinous impulses lurk below his crusty, misanthropic surface.” Used to be.