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B.C., 6/3/09

Part of being a smug jerk on the Internet who makes fun of other people’s life work is never having to say you’re sorry, but I do feel like I need to mildly backtrack on the issue of B.C. I still believe quite firmly in the principle that comic strips should die or retire with their creators; but we won’t be living in such a perfect world any time soon, and I do have to say that over the last two years the new post-Johnny Hart B.C. has gone from terrible to kind of amusing, in a new and goofy way. I admit to being actively tickled by today’s installment, not so much because of the “turtle sexual harassment and retaliatory violence” angle, but because of it implies that turtle sex involves a dude turtle slipping out of his own shell and into the lady turtle’s shell. Which is anatomically laughable, of course, but can you visualize how turtles do it? A recent visit to the awesome Arizona-Sonora Desert Museum did acquaint me with this legitimate educational display, but I still have questions. (Warning: that second link may not be safe for work, if your workplace is uptight about turtle sex.)

Mary Worth, 6/3/09

Well, it looks like Adrian is safely paired off with the son of the one man her father ever loved, which should make for a blissfully perfect life partnership marred only by occasional awkwardly overenthusiastic Christmas visits. Now we’re moving to the next plot, which begins as a young woman phones Mary to tell her that she’s “taking a break” from her marriage. Rather than use the opportunity to get drunk a lot and bed innumerable younger men, this lunatic has decided to spend her newly single days living with Mary Worth, whom she considers to be “like a mother.” Based on the past several years of reading this strip, Mary is the kind of mother who never calls or even mentions this poor girl, but that doesn’t stop her from reacting to the prospect of a hapless meddlee coming to live her with the kind of blissed-out facial expression normally only possible with the aid of powerful, mood-altering narcotics.

As the leaves around our squirrelly friend in panel one indicate, beautiful late spring has come to Santa Royale, which means that the new victim’s introduction to Charterstone can take one form and one form only: pool party. Seriously, I don’t think we’ve seen a wonderful Santa Royale pool party since, what, Mary’s terribly misguided attempt to set up Dr. Drew and Vera? FAR TOO LONG. No pool party, no peace!

Cathy, 6/3/09

36 months after the innovator (They’ll Do It Every Time, of blessed memory) and 33 months after the laggard (Curtis), Cathy finally catches on to the one fail-safe comedy gold comics trope: jeans that are brand new, but look all beat up! Ha ha! Mercy!

Apartment 3-G, 6/3/09

“You know, like you, who bullies and ignores me by turns! Or what’s-her-name, the blonde, who left the state months ago and I haven’t talked to since! And … uh … you know, maybe I should rethink this.”

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Curtis, 4/21/09

Ah, the innocence of youth! Way back in 2004, I found it unrealistic that Barry Wilkins would drop the word “chutzpah” into conversation. That, of course, was before Barry’s elder brother belched out the nonsense word-sequence “Say, they’ve set up a children’s biodiversity crafts and games stand,” making any quibbles about culturally specific vocabulary very much besides the point. At least I’m sure that some human somewhere has actually said “chutzpah.”

Apartment 3-G, 4/21/09

Tommie, if you defend yourself from sinister Dr. Joe by turning that can of HAIR SPRAY™ brand hairspray into a makeshift flamethrower, à la Rorschach from Watchmen, I will take back every bad thing I ever said about you.

And speaking of bad things, let’s look at just exactly what it is that Tuesday’s comics thought would make good grist for some light-hearted humor, shall we?

Crock, 4/21/09

Starvation.

Hi and Lois, 4/21/09

The naked exercise of economic privilege.

B.C., 4/21/09

Treasonous collaboration with a murderous oppressor.

Funky Winkerbean, 4/21/09

The gradual but unstoppable physical decline each one of us faces as we age, every new day being another step towards the grave.

Marvin, 4/21/09

The pungent odor of human excrement.

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Well, if it’s Monday, it must be time reveal another shameful instance of a legacy comic dipping into its own archives. Below is the B.C. from 8/15/05:

Followed, of course, by a comic from the B.C. collection Dip In Road, first published in 1969:

These come from faithful reader Suzii, who notes:

It stuck with me because I first read it when I was a little enough kid to have no idea what “berserk” meant. Now I’m all grown up and a professional word person, and I still have no idea what’s funny about this — let alone what’s so funny as to be worth a second shot at it.

Also! By now you are well acquainted with my narcissistic tendency to acknowledge comics that mention me by name. Well, I suppose I must now extend this to novels! The Tea Master, a novel currently competing for the Amazon Breakthrough Novel Award, mentions me and several other bloggers in the course of its adventures! It also features a “notorious” unicorn crap passage. Check it out!

And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for: the comment of the week!

“That facial expression — it’s like he’s asking himself, ‘Where did my penis go?’ It’s OK, buddy, it’s just a towel.” –Donald the Anarchist

And the runners up! Very funny!

“All babies are evil. It’s only the comics page that has the guts to print this. The rest of the paper is intimidated by the power of Big Baby.” –Mac

“ENGAGE DISPLAY(EMOTIONAL): TEARS. ERROR! ERROR! #227: TEAR DUCT JAM. CLEAR TEAR DUCT MANUALLY. (A)BORT, (R)ETRY, (I)GNORE?” –Dragon of Life

“Hmm, that makes me wonder, do pluggers have tails? Have we ever seen one? I can’t decide if it’s more unnerving if they do or if they don’t, and that worries me.” –Zaq

“Oh, Ziggy. All hat, no pants.” –Poppinjay

“Is Ziggy a plugger? Let’s examine the evidence. Evidence for Ziggy being a plugger: He is poor; he is a hideous mutant human thing; his life is an endless string of disappointments and depression; he is constantly being reminded of his depressing life by members of the service industry. Evidence against: He appears interested in traveling outside the United States, unlike pluggers, whose international experience consists of yelling drunken racial slurs at Travel Channel ads.” –Ms.X

“Has Tommie become so jaded from living with Margo that one drunken woman swearing is something to smile about? ‘Wow, she only used one of the f words on me.'” –Rainbird

“Has anyone considered that maybe Ziggy doesn’t need pants?” –Sequitur

“Does it strike anyone else that Ziggy frequently visits his travel agent, yet is never actually depicted traveling anywhere? I have a feeling this is yet another one of Z’s touchingly pitiful strategies to get women to talk to him. The travel agent — for some reason wearing a nurse’s uniform — is well aware of this situation. Ziggy comes in three, four times a week. Sometimes he just takes a handful of pamphlets, mumbles something inaudible, and shuffles out the door, red-faced. You can see how embarrassed they both are. They’re not even coming close to making eye contact. The travel agent, however, is bound by professional duty to at least pretend to be cheerful, but Ziggy’s solemn expression speaks volumes about the grim reality of this incident.” –Joe Blevins

“Oh, so Borneo isn’t good enough for you, Ziggy? So it’s little more than a punchline for a lame joke? As somebody whose family hails from and is based in that region, I have to say that I am deeply — wait a minute, have I just been offended by a goddamn Ziggy strip? Jesus Christ.” –Muddtallica

“So … enraged … about … children … can’t … actually … hold … phone … close … to … face!” –Smokehouse

“As a midget with a freakishly large nose, Ziggy likely wears no pants in order to force the world to acknowledge him as a sexual being.” –ThaGeeGee

“You know, the more everyone keeps mentioning it, the clearer it becomes: this is a kidnapping storyline in A3G, which is fantastic, because kidnapping storylines in A3G can only end in discounted zipper-bound merchandise! I’ll get my credit card.” –Black Drazon

“Tommie seems to have developed a serious case of happyfaceitis in her ear in panel 2. Eventually it will become its own head, and Margo will teach it to belittle Tommie when she’s too busy to bother.” –kt

“Adrift in the wake of his father’s abandonment, young Gunther found solace in the sturdy regularity of the Cartesian coordinate system. Eventually, he swore, his whole body would be covered in comforting grid lines that could never ever leave him.” –One-eyed Wolfdog

“Mark Trail: Our clothes are from 1962 but our technology is from 1998.” –emilochka

“We need a dotted-line path showing Thel’s route of cleaning every room, disposing of Barfy-poo, scrambling through the laundry to find something presentable to wear, spraying air freshener throughout the house and on her unshowered body, etc., all culminating at the doorstep, so that her humiliation would be complete. Then next week’s strip showing the path of that neighborhood kid as he meanders around the back yard, avoiding the four unmarked graves, would be more deeply meaningful.” –seismic-2

“Doesn’t Beetle Bailey’s mention of Iraq and Afghanistan violate the Billingsley-Bentley ‘Vagueness in Comics’ Act of 1982?” –Captain Thunder

“Beetle Bailey has achieved some sort of high-water mark for topical relevance this week. In addition to finally acknowledging the fuller geo-political implications of U.S. military service, they also note that it’s April. And it actually is April!” –Lorne

“FC Mom is not cleaning up — she’s trashing the place. She’s not taking any chances that today might be the day Children’s Family Services comes to visit and takes the little monsters away.” –Rachel211

“I find myself concerned for ‘the girls in Hawaii’ — given that the point of military training exercises is to learn how to kill other people without being killed yourself, in challenging terrain. Notice, too, that Plato is dressed like one of those hula dancers — clearly he’s envisioning a covert ops type mission, wherein he infiltrates the local hula school before blasting everything in sight.” –Rana

“Killer with his bongos is anticipating an invitation to join the Buena Vista Social Club once he gets to Cuba. Which, given that he’s in his 70s by now, would be just the gig for him.” –Beatrice

“When the plot of Mary Worth begins to remind you of a David Mamet script (House of Games), it’s time to up the drinking.” –Dingo

“Look at Ted Confey. That’s the way you do it. He gets his money for nothing and his chicks for free.” –Chicago Bob

“MW Haiku: Ted’s facial shadow/ Confounds the laws of physics:/ Where the sun don’t shine.” –Charterstoned

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