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Heathcliff, 11/11/14

There’s a lot of things I love about today’s Heathcliff. There is, for instance, the fact that Heathcliff’s owner-grandpa apparently has a blonde toupee that we’ve never seen before; the fact that Heathcliff holds this toupee in such low regard that he dug it out of whatever dark closet it’s been hidden away in for years in order to show everyone exactly what he thinks of it; and the fact that everyone seems to recognize that putting the toupee on a football and then spiking that is meant as a public display of contempt. But my favorite part is the little fist-pump Heathcliff’s owner-child is making as he watches this ritualistic act. “You spike that toupee-football, Heathcliff,” he seems to be thinking to himself. “You spike it. You show that thing. It sucks.”

Beetle Bailey, 11/11/14

Don’t be too quick to thank a soldier today, America: you could be talking to one of the really shitty ones! This is your Veteran’s Day message from Beetle Bailey, America’s foremost military-themed comic strip.

Family Circus, 11/11/14

A true sociopath, who is unable to feel any real empathy for another human being, is likely to view emotional interactions as purely transactional, and those transactions as an opportunity for power plays. Thus little Jeffy has become an emotional mafioso, darkly reminding his mother than she hasn’t paid up in full when it comes to affection and that he’ll be coming by to collect his due later.

Mary Worth, 11/11/14

Nice try, Mary! While you’re distracted and nattering on about how you’ll chauffer Hanna around for the next three years, she’s secretly moved the steering wheel over to her side of the car and is now driving you! You’ll never stop her from driving! Never!

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Beetle Bailey, 11/8/14

We all know that Saturdays in Beetle Bailey are for Crushingly Depressing Halftrack Episodes, and while usually these are marital in nature this Amos Halftrack solo outing is a pretty good effort! Isn’t the whole point of drinking yourself into a stupor just to numb all the feelings? Wouldn’t you get the same results staring up into the cold, driving rain, with the added bonus that maybe you’ll develop that bout of pneumonia that finally ends it all?

Herb and Jamaal, 11/8/14

“Boy, it seems like this is a real opportunity for a teachable moment — or a ‘preachable moment,’ hee hee! I should put that on the church sign! But anyway, I could talk to Herb about the potential pitfalls of looking at biblical passages without fully grasping the larger context in which they’re embedded, but I’m on my lunch break, so fuck that noise.”

Marvin 11/8/14

MARVIN: O R I G I N S

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Beetle Bailey, 11/4/14

You know, the Military-Themed Laffs division of Walker-Browne Amalgamated Humor Industries LLC is pretty fortunate in that they have a lot of ancillary characters to mine for jokes. Most were added in fumbling attempts to remain socially relevant (e.g., when it became impossible to ignore the existence of computers or various ethnic groups), but some date back to the early days of the strip, and all are available to step in when the prospect of another joke about how Sarge likes beating Beetle into a gelatinous ovoid becomes unbearable. Which is a roundabout way of saying that, sure, let’s hear more from Chaplain Staneglass! Ha ha, his name is funny because many churches have so-called “stained-glass” windows, you see. Anyhoo, the good Chaplain was recently seen offering a dubious lack of theological certainty to a questioning soul, and today’s he just straight-up dozing off in the mess hall. I kind of wish this was a Sunday strip so we could see him slowly tip over forward, panel after panel, until eventually he’s face down in the peas, snoring out bits of semi-conscious prayer.

Apartment 3-G, 11/4/14

The most hilarious Apartment 3-G art/writing mismatch in recent memory continues! The Myriad Restaurant Group, the current owners of the Tribeca Grill, recognized that exposed brick is played out as an aesthetic, and have moved in an innovative new direction, in which patrons will dine amongst motel-quality art and dingy refrigerators that look like they’ve been in your shabby apartment since the late 1970s. All drinks will be brought to your table in exquisitely hand-crafted replica milk cartons!

B.C., 11/4/14

OK, B.C., this may be a genuinely funny joke, but that doesn’t mean that you can just repeat it every nine years. I AM ALWAYS WATCHING YOU, B.C.