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Mother Goose and Grimm, 7/21/14

Attila imagines he’s worth cloning.

You know, this strip is missing out on some pretty rich promotional opportunities:

And I bet Mooch from Mutts could kick Attila’s ass: “Shlap! Shmack! Schwat! Shpank!”

Spider-Man, 7/21/14

Um, … because they could? Though I suppose this isn’t a great time to be getting all smart-ass.

Is he … burping that plutocrat? Careful there, Ox – you’re gonna get foie gras and Paulliac all over that nice shiny vest.

And look at that dumb Ox – manhandling a mere magnate while the parker-driver gets away!

Beetle Bailey, 7/21/14

This is Beetle Bailey of the newspaper comics.
Is it even remotely funny?
No, it’s Beetle Bailey of the newspaper comics.

Comic artists everywhere: lovingly cultivated nose-hair ≠ moustache.

Sarge is forever on guard against poachers, who hunt him for his tooth.

— Uncle Lumpy

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Apartment 3-G, 7/5/14

Oh hey it seems that Tommie is referring to the fawn she rescued as a “baby” in front of other people and not correcting them when they clearly assume it’s a human baby, as if that were a thing a totally normal and sane person would do. It’s almost as if weeks (months? years?) of hard work and not talking about your feelings isn’t the best way to deal with psychological distress.

Mark Trail, 7/5/14

“Oh no! The female appears to speaking about her ’emotions.’ No flaming stick can defeat her! Will I need to talk about ’emotions’ too?”

Momma, 7/5/14

Momma may be long-widowed and missing a man in her life, but that doesn’t mean she’s willing to compromise when it comes to the sexual skills and techniques of her potential partners.

Six Chix, 7/5/14

Hey, lady, I’m pretty sure your friends are just going to lob balls back and forth at each other using tennis rackets and golf club, which doesn’t really count as “sports,” really? Probably margaritas are involved, though.

Beetle Bailey, 7/5/14

Beetle Bailey took a moment to exhibit some pro forma patriotism yesterday before returning to its main theme: unrelenting class war.

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How are you celebrating America’s Birthday, patriots?

Wizard of Id, 7/4/14

The Wizard of Id crew exists in some faux-medieval land far the bounty of American Freedom, yet its inhabitants are aware that the American experiment ought to mean an end to strife, and the discovery that we can join together with our former enemies to celebrate democracy.

Crock, 7/4/14

In Crock, we see the jealousy that our national greatness arouses in others, as these cruel and cynical Frenchmen mockingly pantomime our Independence Day celebrations while imposing their colonial will in the North African desert.

Dennis the Menace, 7/4/14

Dennis imagines his future manic dictatorship, in which the special nature of this day’s celebration is lost in a ceaseless barrage of explosions, each gaudier and louder than the last, driving all rational thought from everyone’s mind until they can no longer think straight enough to resist his menacing tyranny.

Family Circus, 7/4/14

The Keane Kids represent contemporary Americans’ total ignorance of our nation’s Founding: they don’t know or don’t care that the nitrate-salt tubes and sugar-filled buns they eagerly cram down their greedy maws would have filled our first generation of political leaders with mingled terror and disgust.

Beetle Bailey, 7/4/14

Finally, Beetle Bailey reminds you to ring, not bong. Don’t do drugs, kids!