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Beetle Bailey, 2/14/14

Kudos to the King Features colorists: this is a joke about how Miss Buxley has placed small pieces of plastic directly onto her eyeballs (already one of the most unnatural acts I can possibly imagine) that are covered with so much filth that her normally blue irises appear to be a sort of mud-brown, and in order to sell it we really need to see those dirty specks in the middle of her wide, terrified eyes. And we do! I also like the way that Killer has suddenly stood upright in disgust between panels. “I, uh, I have to be going now. Hope you don’t go blind!”

Crock, 2/14/14

There’s an obvious horror to final panel in today’s Crock, in which a grinning camel invites us to contemplate the fact that he’s managed, through sheer force of will, to shape the fatty deposit on his back into a grotesque parody of a human heart and then urges us to enjoy “humptine’s day,” something that we might associate with the enjoyable pastime of humping a loved one if not for the profoundly unerotic vision on display. But still, for me the most awful vision here is panel two, as the hump jiggles and throbs and extends, all while this eerie sentient camel maintains unbroken eye contact with us. HAPPY HUMPTINE’S DAY EVERYBODY

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 2/9/14

Oh hey, remember how Sarah Morgan, who is a child, got a lucrative book deal from a museum for her horsey drawings, but it came so easily to her that she was wracked with self-doubt? Well, just because she may be undergoing some internal self-reassessment doesn’t mean that it’s okay for the people paying her money for a book to assign her an God-damned professional editor to supervise the process just like they would for literally any other writer they publish, including adults who have already written multiple books. Just look at her face in that last panel! You’re dealing with Sarah Morgan, motherfuckers, and her lawyer is going to make sure you regret everything about this decision.

Beetle Bailey, 2/9/14

Speaking of regrets, I sure regret reading this comic, because now I can’t stop thinking about Otto the dog suddenly growing to full human size and asserting his right to bring lady dogs to the barracks, for sex.

Hi and Lois, 2/9/14

Ha ha, an adorable child in a comic is talking about “promoting my brand,” time to break all the computers and move to an island far away!

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Beetle Bailey, 2/1/14

Ha ha, isn’t this an enjoyable image? Two digestive systems, a man’s and a dog’s, growling with animal rage, and eventually bursting forth on their own terrible volition, blood and gore everywhere, grappling with each other, still connected to the man and the dog by a trail of steaming viscera. From the creators of the foulest Japanese horror manga? Or from one of America’s best-loved whimsical newspaper comics?

Better Half, 2/1/14

This one’s probably more disturbing, though? First off, nobody finds CPR erotic, despite it being an opportunity for meet-cute and/or gay panic in a thousand movies and TV shows. Second, you shouldn’t do CPR on a cat. Third, AUGH AUGH AUGH THE LIPS THE CAT’S LIPS GROOOOSSSSS

Blondie, 2/1/14

Ha ha, it’s funny because the Bumsteads’ finances are in the process of imploding, and Blondie does not want to know about it.