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Curtis, 6/10/12

Curtis, you’d better recognize your father’s sarcasm prowess, because for real, just getting up in the middle of a conversation during what appears to be the afternoon, getting into bed, and instantly falling asleep as a display of contempt is some serious next-level shit.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 6/10/12

Considering that Foster is Iris’s father, and dead, I was at first very disturbed by Mabel’s request that she “look after Foster” because he “needs you,” but probably it just means that Iris is going to be stuck with the bill for the funeral.

Beetle Bailey, 6/10/12

Lots of people complain that the soldiers of Camp Swampy never seem to be sent off into combat, but it’s now clear that at some point they conquered Paris and looted all the good art.

Judge Parker, 6/10/12

With each passing day Judge Parker becomes more and more of a masturbatory success fantasy for its main characters, assuming that forcing James Cameron out of retirement and gals who can really fill out a chain-store vest are what does it for you.

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Hi and Lois, 6/6/12

There’s really something quite poignant about today’s Hi and Lois. I mean, don’t we all to various degrees believe that, if only we achieve a goal that’s within sight, everything in our lives will get better? If only I got that raise, I wouldn’t be in debt all the time (never mind that your spending tends to expand to match your salary). If only I would fall in love with someone, I wouldn’t be so unhappy (never mind that long-term relationships take work and aren’t just a “happily ever after” fairy-tale ending). If only I weren’t an infant, if only my neuromuscular systems were coordinated enough to allow walking, why, I would be like an all-powerful god! Nothing would be denied me! Never mind that once you know how to walk, you’re expected to walk, with your parents refusing to just carry you all over. Plus Australia is thousands of miles away and surrounded by water. Basically, walking’s for suckers, kid, enjoy infancy while it lasts.

Hagar the Horrible, 6/6/12

Here’s a fun fact: Despite the fact that the Huns ruled a huge empire that dominated central Europe for decades, the Hunnic language was never recorded; the illiterate Huns used Romans as secretaries, who corresponded with other states in Latin and Greek. All we have of Hunnic are personal names and three nouns — not enough to even firmly place what language family it belonged to, let alone translate complex concepts like “surrendering.” Another fun fact: the Huns themselves were a relatively elite group within a multi-ethnic state; in battle, the Huns would have ridden on horseback, as that was the skill that allowed them such military success, and any foot soldiers like the ones depicted here would probably have come from subject peoples, like the Goths or Slavs. Yet another fun fact: the Hunnic empire broke up hundreds and hundreds of years before the advent of the Viking age. Today’s Hagar the Horrible is less historically accurate than I would have liked, is what I’m getting at.

Beetle Bailey, 6/6/12

Apparently General Halftrack’s decades of senility and incompetence have just been a front, covering up his now successful plan to seize control of the U.S. in a bloody coup and rule as military dictator.

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Mary Worth, 6/1/12

Sorry I have not been properly keeping you up to date on the Great Dawn Weston Mope-Fest of 2012, which has consisted entirely of her lying on her couch, clinging to a pillow, obsessively rewatching Game of Thrones, and mumbling things like “Life is brutal.” This has gone on for days! I know, it doesn’t sound that exciting when I describe it, but she does it with a certain verve. Anyway, Wilbur’s had about as many of these thrills as he can handle, so he’s off to his sealed Wilburtorium to make a call … a long distance call, if you know what we mean! I actually don’t know what he means, though I do know that, since Mary lives in the same condo complex, he isn’t calling her, which means he hasn’t stumbled onto the real solution to everyone’s problems yet, i.e., calling Mary Worth.

I do kind of hope that his phone call has absolutely nothing to do with his miserable daughter, who he’ll just leave on the couch whining for the foreseeable future until she decides to buck up. “Yeah, Dawn’s still not over what’s-his-face yet. ‘Life is brutal,’ blah blah blah. So, what are you wearing?”

Funky Winkerbean, 6/1/12

Wow, two primary characters in Funky Winkerbean are really excited about something happening in the lives! How do we get from here to abject misery in the fewest possible moves? Hmm, let’s say … former rivals, now best friends and stepsisters to be, suddenly find themselves competing for the lone spot on the team, with no other options and their futures on the line? Yes, that’ll do nicely.

Apartment 3-G, 6/1/12

I’m sure “We shouldn’t be having this conversation, Margo” is meant to denote that Tommie is on Team Nina, or even that she has entirely false views of the legal implications of midwife-patient confidentiality, but I kind of hope that it means something more along the lines of “We shouldn’t be having this conversation, Margo, because it is completely insane. You can’t just appoint yourself someone’s publicist against their will! And you’re not even a publicist! You’re certainly not a good publicist! I’m going to leave the room and come in again, and when I do I want to hear noises out of your mouth that are not 100% bonkers.”

Spider-Man, 6/1/12

Newspaper Spider-Man’s villains almost always become less threatening as their storyline works itself out. I was pretty worried that we’d never be able to get less menacing than yesterday’s reveal, but this is actually a pretty good start! Haha, that car has a duck on it!

Beetle Bailey, 6/1/12

You know, if Beetle Bailey decided it wanted to focus entirely on the theater of erotic bafflement from here on out, I wouldn’t object at all. It’d sure be preferable to whatever the hell it is that it’s been doing for the past 60 years or so.