Post Content

Beetle Bailey, 5/7/22

I have never denied being an effete urban liberal and so it shouldn’t come as a surprise to anyone that I know very little about how guns “work.” That said, I did see, in the theater, the Arnold Schwarzenegger vehicle Eraser (dubbed “the OK-est film of 1996” in a review in the Omaha World-Herald that is sadly behind a paywall), so I’m aware that carrying a rifle in each hand with an intent to shoot both at once is simultaneously possible and extremely cool looking. Yes, Sarge’s guns are not anywhere near as bad-ass as Arnold’s, but also Beetle and Killer are significantly less dangerous foes than even the henchmen in a typical Schwarzenegger movie, and definitely my first thought in seeing this is that Sarge had decided that an accidental encounter in the dark, where faces can’t be seen but the perimeter of the facility must be protected at all costs, might be the solution to a lot of his long-running problems.

Gil Thorp, 5/7/22

You read it here first: they’re gonna drag this thing out so that we think Mr. Hamm is on the run from the mob or something, when in fact he’s the subject of a humiliating viral video from like 2009, where he tripped in public and said something real dorky like “Oh, for love of Pete!” His personal hell is that every new microgeneration of teens discovers his pratfall anew every few years on the latest social media platform: the college-age millennials of the early ’10s on Facebook, the dirtbags of Snapchat, the doomscrollers of Twitter, the furries of Tumblr — each, at the height of their power, coming together to relentless cyberbully him. Currently it’s spreading like wild on TikTok, as teens worldwide try to imitate the tremulous tone he uses with “Pete!” while deliberately falling face-first onto the sidewalk as their friends hoot and holler behind the camera. If any of these people find out where he lives, he’ll be toast.

Post Content

Beetle Bailey, 5/3/22

Man, I really respect the second panel here for unleashing the full-throttle refusal to give a shit that makes Beetle Bailey the strip we all know and read every day for some reason. Just a bunch of people, some of whom we know and some we don’t, standing around a … void? with no furniture? because that’s what a “rec room” is, in the army? I guess???? Anyway, the fact that everyone’s facial expressions range from mild excitement to vague annoyance is just icing on the cake. Bravo, it doesn’t get more Beetle Bailey vibes than this.

Curtis, 5/3/22

“Ignorant,” Curtis? Derrick and Onion clearly paid attention in class when you were supposed to be learning about Greek mythology, which is more than you can say.

Dick Tracy, 5/3/22

“Yes, your honor, we have Stuntman Mike’s evidence on this. No, I don’t know his last name. I don’t know if he’s actually a stuntman, either. I only talk to him on the computer and his face is always blurred out. Look, are you going to give me a no-knock warrant to raid this day care center or am I going to have to start leaking to the press that you’re a soft-on-crime lib the next time you’re up for re-election?”

Post Content

Beetle Bailey, 3/31/22

Look, I have carefully curated my entire lifestyle so that I don’t have to know or care about the pop culture references or aesthetic sensibilities of anyone born after 2002. So it’s not entirely clear to me if the kids today are into ghastly backpacks that look like a nightmare version of human head with a zipped-up mouth, or if the brains behind Walker-Browne Amalgamated Humor Industries LLC, who I assume have curated their lifestyles so that they don’t have to know or care about the pop culture references or aesthetic sensibilities of anyone born after 1964, just assume that this is a thing the kids today are into. Either way, I don’t care for it.

Dick Tracy, 3/31/22

Every time we’ve seen a performance from Vitamin’s new talent who parodies Tonsils, a cacophonic singer who almost killed Dick Tracy, he’s drawn with his arms like that. He’s not supposed to have six arms (you have to clarify these things with Dick Tracy, though if the did have six arms he’d be named something like “Sixarm” or “Armsix”), so I guess it’s supposed to represent a gesture of some sort, and this other lady is doing it too, now, so: fine, I’ll ask. What is it. What’s the gesture. Is it a jerk-off motion. Is “oh the rainbow turned muddy” some kind of code for masturbation that I’m unfamiliar with. I’m almost as grumpy as Dick is here.

Crankshaft, 3/31/22

Look, I don’t care if Crankshaft dies because he didn’t take his pills, or because he took too many of his pills. I just want him dead. It honestly doesn’t really even need to be pill related.