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Blondie, 5/3/20

Well, it’s not surprising that the Bumsteads’ suburb, where packs of semi-feral dogs roam the streets at night, has been a little laissez-faire in the public health front, but it looks like it’s finally under enforced social distancing rules. And much as I enjoy Mr. Dithers’s trademark dollar-sign PJs, I really respect Cora’s decision to maintain some shred of civilization and put on her pearls for a day — week? month? — when she’s definitely not going anywhere.

Daddy Daze, 5/3/20

Years ago, my wife and brother-in-law and I were discussing the possibility of training monkeys to work in retail establishments, and I said one of the downsides would be the pooping, for which diapers would be only a temporary solution, and he replied with a sentence that has been burned into my brain ever since: “Once we teach a monkey how to change another monkey’s diapers, it’ll be all monkeys up in here.” In truth, isn’t that the story of the human race? Aren’t we the monkeys who have learned to change each other’s diapers? What I’m trying to say is these children will soon eliminate the last thing they need the Daddy Daze Daddy for, which will blessedly remove any justification for his continued presence in their lives.

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Dustin, 4/16/20

Because Dustin tries to take an even-handed approach to its tales of the generation wars, it gives each of its main characters little foibles: Dustin, for instance, is lazy, feckless, stupid, unattractive to women, and generally is responsible for this once-great nation going down the toilet, whereas Dustin’s dad sometimes likes to snack too much. Anyway, I’m a guy who knows a little bit about emotional eating, and if Dustin thinks his dad can’t shovel popcorn into his maw while weeping, well, it looks like stealing his dad’s popcorn is just another “job” he’s going to fail at.

Mary Worth, 4/16/20

Mary’s go-to piece of concrete advice when people are having a hard time choosing between options is to tell them to make a list of pros and cons, and it looks like Dawn is getting a lot of material as she decides which boyfriend to dump!

HUGO: Extremely hot
JARED: Clumsy, sniveling nerd
Hugo +1

HUGO: Will not shut the fuck up about how much better things are in France
JARED: Will not shut the fuck up about Star Wars
Tie

Looks like Hugo’s still in the lead!

Blondie, 4/16/20

It’s taken years, but I guess the comics-reading public has grown numb to Dagwood’s obviously erotic relationship with food. So now, in order to titillate and repulse us by turns, Dagwood is turning to the auto-erotic, becoming obviously aroused by video footage of himself unhinging his jaw to swallow a sandwich whole. Who says legacy comics can’t innovate?

Dick Tracy, 4/16/20

This strip’s occasional “Minit Mysteries” have usually honored the second half of that phrase, each one providing clues over its two-week span that would allow to reader to solve the mystery, Slylock Fox-style. However, it seems the current Case Of The Sexy Tied Up Alien is going to be solved the “old-fashioned way,” which is to say by the police force executing a no-knock warrant and charging in with their guns blazing, killing perpetrator and victim alike.

Family Circus, 4/16/20

Man, the Family Circus intern/algorithm that combs through the archives for topical panels sure is working hard, huh? I assume this one was originally created as part of a campaign against single-payer health care.

Gasoline Alley, 4/16/20

Gasoline Alley, the strip that brought you a thrilling storyline about trying to return a DVD player, now puts you through each pulse-pounding moment of a meeting that falls apart because the organizers can’t figure out the A/V equipment and the main speaker is late!!!! Can you handle the thrills??????

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Blondie, 4/12/20

It’s honestly sad that Dagwood’s two favorite things — food and sleep — have betrayed him like this, combining into a nightmare melange of psycho-sexual horror. There are so many things to be disturbed by here, but for me, the worst is the contrast between the pulled pork and yankee pot roast, both foodstuffs made up of animal tissue transformed into a slurry that can be shaped at will, and the turkey, which still contains the skeletal structure of the deceased bird. Yet in its anthropomorphized dream form, the turkey’s eyes are at its anterior end, and the incision into its gut is transformed into a hungry mouth. As the various foods begin to devour Dagwood in revenge for his failure to devour them, his cry of pain indicates that these monstrosities have real, sharp teeth. Truly one of the most harrowing things I’ve seen in the comics in years.

Beetle Bailey, 4/12/20

In a perfect world, Chaplain Stainglass’s parishioners would be spontaneously moved to tithe by religious feeling, or at least from the sense of community their church provides. But the chaplain knows that in this fallen wold of ours, there are only two things that motivate mortal sinners — lust and fear — and he’s not too proud to use both as fundraising tools.