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Mary Worth, 1/22/18

Welp, it looks like our “Wilbur gets scam-dumped and then cockblocked by a hot rich millennial” storyline somehow managed to end with Wilbur strutting through a park alone and deluding himself about what a great dad he is, so it’s time for a new plot! And it looks like it’s going to feature Mary’s boyfriend Dr. Jeff after an awfully long absence. Presumably he’ll be around just long enough to introduce his friend (note: Dr. Jeff does not, to my knowledge, have any friends) Ted Miller, who’s quite a character, which 100% means he’s going to be an insufferable nightmare who will throw Mary’s world, and the Charterstone community in general, into chaos. I’m excited!

Beetle Bailey, 1/22/18

Also starting a new plotline this Monday: Beetle Bailey! We begin in media res, with the backstory on what catastrophe has left much of the world outside Camp Swampy a patchwork of uninhabitable “contaminated zones” that the military must enter on mysterious and dangerous missions presumably being filled in at some point later in the week.

Blondie, 1/22/18

Ha ha, uh, remember a couple of weeks ago when I made a joke about Elmo spending all his time at the Bumsteads’ because of his volatile, violent home life? The best part here is how Blondie just kind of stares at Elmo silently as she lets him in, as if she’s gobsmacked and just now putting together his tragic backstory.

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Dick Tracy, 1/17/18

So, just to remind you of the ongoing antics in the Dick Tracy Moon Maid plot: Glenna Ermine, daughter of flower-themed gangster Posie Ermine, was surgically and psychologically altered so that she looks like, and for a while believed herself to be, the deceased Moon Maid, daughter of the Governor of the Moon and Dick Tracy’s daughter-in-law, and now Ermine and the Governor (side note: who’s governing the moon in the Governor’s absence? Is there a Lieutenant-Governor of the Moon???) have broken into Diet Smith’s heavily guarded compound where Glenna, who now understands her origins and refers to herself as Mysta Chimera, lives. Anyway, if you thought that being held incommunicado in a research facility run by a defense contractor was a bad deal or something, today’s strip should disabuse you of that notion, since you can see that Mysta is free to relax and grill some burgers outside in the freezing Neo-Chicago winter anytime she wants!

Blondie, 1/17/18

Ahh, you know the old saying, “History is written by the winners, and then taught to the children by people who come across as ‘nice,’ but the children can’t help but sense the elided stories of the conquered and exterminated that lie beneath the sunny tales of victory, and so they and their adult friends who maybe they spend more time with than is healthy end up staring blankly out across the snowy landscape, unable to express the gnawing feeling of absence that underlies everything they know.”

Spider-Man, 1/17/18

Looks like Doctor Connors should’ve had one more bottle in his box o’ potential-arm-regrowing potions: a bottle of Hulk blood! All’s well that ends well, unless his new arm gets angry for some reason.

Pluggers, 1/17/18

Plugger multitasking: a plugger can simultaneously operate a manual-shift truck that would baffle an elitist city-dweller, exacerbate his incipient diabetes, and promote his favorite #brands.

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Blondie, 1/13/18

I’ve often wondered why Elmo spends so much time at the Bumstead home instead of his own, and now we have an answer: he’s seeking a refuge away from his violent, volatile father.

Beetle Bailey, 1/13/18

Otto seeks the sweet release of ~total annihilation of the physical self~

Pluggers, 1/13/18

A plugger’s “one for the road” is a number two!