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Mary Worth, 12/21/06

So a mustachioed malcontent has a beef with Charterstone’s power clique. After a confrontation in which he is humiliated by them, he stalks off, despite one of their number’s feeble attempt to end things on a good note. I think we all know where this is going: The liquor store. The road. The cliff. The end.

This is what Aldomania hath wrought, everybody: every Mary Worth plot from here on in is going to end with the meddling condo creeps driving some new character to a self-inflicted death. There’ll be an awkward funeral visit, some murmured platitudes, and then on to the next victim. They aren’t just murderers; they’re serial killers. I sure hope you’re happy.

Apartment 3-G, 12/21/06

You should not, however, harbor similar worries about our girl Magee as she prepares to rock Christmas the way only an angry, drunken, jilted young woman can. Margo is no danger of harming herself. Margo will only harm others. Many, many others.

Mark Trail, 12/21/06

As an antidote to the above, I offer you the continuing love story of Lucky the Beaver and his mate. I’m not a biologist, but I’m pretty sure that beavers do not actually put their paws tenderly on one another’s shoulder; still, I can’t deny how heartwarmingly adorable it all is. In the larger scheme of things, though, this whole thing is starting to freak me out. I’m a relative Mark Trail newbie, having only read it for the last four years or so; can any longtime Trailheads tell me if the strip has ever dropped its boring, stilted humans before to focus on the improbable anthropomorphized antics of adorable forest creatures? My guess about the current scenario: the word came down from King Features that a heart-warming Christmas episode was required, and Jack Elrod realized that, since nobody has any emotional involvement in any of the oddly shaped human characters, someone appealing was required, stat.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 12/21/06

Awwww, look at how sad June is in panel three. She just wanted her garage painted, Rex; is that so much to ask? Shouldn’t the lengths she’ll go to achieve that end trouble you at least a little?

Crock, 12/21/06

I’m pretty sure this comic strip is about masturbation. Me is the gift I can give myself all year long!

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Gil Thorp, 8/25/06

A few weeks ago, I pondered the ethics of enjoying Marty Moon’s spiral down to rock bottom. Now that he’s gotten there — passing out drunkenly in your car because you lost a four-figure sum to a Ben Franklin lookalike playing golf being pretty much the lowest point of spiritual debasement I can come up with — I stand by my conclusion that it’s not just ethical, but mandatory. I particularly like how he goes from unshaven, crooked-grinned drunken bravado in panel one to head-in-hands shame in panel two. In panel three, it appears that his coffee arrived just a few seconds too late, and he’s about to flop face-first onto the table in blessed unconsciousness.

Crock, 8/25/06

Haw, haw! Overeating men are from Mars, and overeating women are from Venus! Seriously, though, if you could get a big Box O’ Tacosâ„¢, I might seriously look into how much one cost.

Beetle Bailey, 8/25/06

I’m pretty sure that Beetle will be recounting this conversation on the witness stand at Rocky’s war crimes trial.

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They’ll Do It Every Time, 8/4/06

Determining anyone’s age in the cultural-cues disaster area that is TDIET is of course nearly impossible, but this little girl seems way, way too old to be saying anything like “Ook-ook-ooko.” To my eye, she looks to be maybe four or five. Or a 45-year-old dwarf.

Crock, 8/4/06

Love to beat on Crock today, but I’m still tired from beating on the dead horse I’ve been beating since, oh, about when I started reading this strip.