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So ends the Comics Curmudgeon Spring 2016 fundraiser. Thank you, generous readers! If you missed your chance to contribute, there’s still time — use the “Donate” button on this page, or this page for the full-on fundraiser experience.

Curtis, 5/6/16

So Heart-Throb’s video clears Curtis and Chutney and all is well. Say, I can’t tell whether Principal Washington is sporting a turban or dreadlocks there. If I were Derrick or “Onion” I’d be concerned: will this be settled at the point of his kirpan, or amicably over a gigantic spliff?

Gil Thorp, 5/6/16

And a nickname is born — two days too late for May the Forth be with you. Shucks.

Phantom, 5/6/16

The Captain learns Phantom is on his own side
And he’s happy to have him along for the ride.
The intel will help him do damage control
And he owes every byte to the Jungle Patrol!

Patrolmen are hayseeds and yokels and hicks
But they know one or two de-encryptioning tricks —
If you don’t mind manure on the drives that they stole
You can outsource IT to the Jungle Patrol!

Mary Worth, 5/6/16

Conflict, AT LAST!

“Not to study”? Is that what the kids are calling it these days?

Spider-Man, 5/6/16

Xandu wants a queen, but he needs a decorator.

Just a reminder not to wait up in anticipation of Comments of the Week from me – enjoy Dagger’s genitalic hooks for another week!

– Uncle Lumpy

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Six Chix, 4/30/16

Sure, “Kids Today” and “Technology Bad” are two of the classic themes, but if you want to go full plugger, Mom, you gotta grow the tail.

Archie, 4/30/16

Even the folks at Team Archie know this joke would be unpublishable with the roles reversed. Hey panel-2 Veronica: his eyes are down there!

Curtis, 4/30/16

Oh man, I was all set to go off on newish tertiary character “Heart-throb” for what I thought was a transparently false boast about an obviously impossible YouTube video. But then I checked and learned that kids all over the world post School Fight videos faster than Google can knock ’em down, and of course some of the fights are staged specifically for the videos.

What I’m saying is kids today are terrible, and technology makes everything worse.

(Checks behind for tail; still OK whew)

Judge Parker, 4/30/16

Hey, remember when Derek tried to go to a party with his real girlfriend Honey Ballenger and it made Sophie want to get all trained up at military school and flat-out murder everybody? But then Honey got grounded so Sophie dropped the idea and resumed her campaign to stalk/purchase Derek?

Well, those slick brochures from the military school kept coming, and they’re like porn to poor Marie here. Look at her caress that embossed coat of arms, dreaming of the sweet barracks pleasures she’d enjoy if only she could escape her hated employer/tormentors.

“Did you know they have a separate school for aerospace studies?” she coos. It’s her ultimate fantasy, to slip the surly bonds of Spencer Farms and fly, alone and free, into a brand-new life. Well, maybe one little strafing run first.

Hello there, faithful reader! I’m sitting in for Josh through Sunday, May 8 while he wraps up his book tour and recovers from same. Drop me a line at uncle.lumpy@comcast.net if you need any admin help, for example if one of your comments gets hoovered up by the site’s new and voracious spam filter.

– Uncle Lumpy

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Hagar the Horrible, 3/13/16

Hagar’s role in the 9th century economy is essentially parasitic, extracting resources via violence from peasants and townsfolk whose rulers are too weak or too distant to protect them. Naturally, in order to justify this position, he tells himself that everyone — savage Viking raiders and helpless serfs alike — is equally morally bad. Presumably he’s trying to set off a riot in this village so that he and Eddie can steal some stuff in the confusion.

Curtis, 3/13/16

Haha, sure, Diane, scold Curtis for his zombified Humpty Dumpty, but I know for a fact your book ends with the beloved egg-being falling to his death, shattered to pieces in a scene of awful horror. Who can save him? The government? Not in this fairy-tale kingdom, where the military is sent in to provide substandard medical care to its citizens! Barry will be crying his eyes out. At least in Curtis’s version you’re relieved when he dies in the end.