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Hey kids, sorry for my late and lame updates so far this week … I’ve been guest-blogging at Wonkette, which is fun but kind of emotionally draining. I’m done, though, so I promise that today will be the nadir of lameness. I don’t even have the energy to deal with rape humor in Crankshaft or Rusty’s ass in Judge Parker, but I urge to check out the thoughtful comments on both on yesterday’s post.

Curtis, 10/24/07

Actual religious affiliation of past stars:

• Lucille Ball: One of inner circle of the first six Scientologists.
• John Wayne: Zoroastrian all the way, baby!
• Jerry Mathers: Early proponent of wicca. Felt the beaver was his “power animal.”

Herb and Jamaal, 10/24/07

I’ve tried before to distill Herb and Jamaal to its squishy, nonspecific essence, but today’s installment convinces me that I have more work to do. Here’s my best shot:

Herb (or Jamaal): “Hey, Jamaal (or Herb), something incredibly nonspecific that seems to vaguely relate to pop culture!”

Jamaal (or Herb): “Response that implies I know what you’re talking about even though that’s really not possible … stretched over two panels!”

Jamaal (or Herb) or Herb (or Jamaal): [Wry thought balloon.]

Then, of course, comes the butt sex.

They’ll Do It Every Time, 10/24/07

Philosophical question: Is “the urge” still “the urge” if it doesn’t contain the words “the urge”? Whichever way, there’s something delightfully unsettling about this one. “I have plenty of time to scream … NOW THAT I’VE KILLED THEM BOTH! MU HA HA HA!”

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Gil Thorp, 10/11/07

Oh my God, wait: Oregon? Too big to hide? Need I remind you what I found when I went Google image searching on “Culver Vale”?

“Gah, I’ve got to hide somewhere … I know, I’ll hide behind this Oregon flag! Wait, you can still see me … if only I weren’t so big … too big to hide…”

Comics are submitted to syndicates weeks in advance, so as much as I’d like to believe that the creators of Gil Thorp are stealing ideas from me in some sort of insane feedback loop, I know that’s not the case. But maybe they are generating their plots out of Google image searches and free association, in which case I say: kudos, sirs, kudos.

They’ll Do It Every Time, 10/11/07

This may well be the most esoteric TDIET ever, moving the strip away from its usual petty domestic gripes and towards a world-theory of aesthetic ethics. “E. Hennenfeld” is obviously a longtime observer of Portland’s fine arts scene, and is a fierce subscriber to the vision of art as a life-encompassing construct. How dare Pistachio offer a minimalist vision in his painting that isn’t reflected in his home? Is his home not as much an artifact — and thus a work of art in a true sense — as the canvases that hang in museums? By refusing to live his artistic philosophy, he reveals himself to be nothing but a hack and a fraud. It’s heady stuff, but hey, bitter waitresses and verbally abusive husbands aren’t the only people with gripes, OK?

Curtis, 10/11/07

I don’t mean to get in the way of a good hairy feet joke, but isn’t Michelle’s whole schtick that she’s snooty and rich? She gets driven around by a chauffeur, sneers at Curtis’s plebian pizza joints, etc., etc. Surely her mother could afford health insurance, yes? Also, doesn’t one usually check into rehab because one can’t stop taking the medication, not because of the medication’s unexpected side-effects? Also … aw, the heck with it. Ha ha! Hairy feet! I know what she’s been doing with those feet.

Pluggers, 10/11/07

Good lord, Rex Morgan is a plugger! I don’t think any of us were expecting that.

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Judge Parker, 9/30/07

Oh, man, water! The sinister plot being machinated by the sinister Mr. Caesar is all about control of the world’s water sources! Sure, you may be saying “This is even more boring than I thought it would be,” but I’m hoping that Mr. Caesar has in his employ a bevy of environmental scientists who have given him an inside track on the coming total collapse of the globe’s water supply. In just a few months, the world of Judge Parker will be reduced to a Mad Max-esque desert hellscape, with roaming bands of angry refugees battling over the precious remaining water and gasoline deposits — and Caesar, with his enormous water storage facility with all its pipes and tubes and such, will be the most powerful warlord of them all. Sam will be wishing he’d sold his shares then!

Fun fact: The Wall Street Journal is one of the few major newspapers whose Website is available only for subscribers. Which means that Sophie, wealthy meganerd that she is, is paying for access. At least she’s not paying some guy in India to read it for her.

Curtis, 9/30/07

I know the joke here is supposed to be that old standby “Curtis is irritating”, and surely he gets off on some unfortunate tangents, but his idea is actually fundamentally sound, and is almost certainly being put into effect by any number of tech-savvy churches with younger congregations. Certainly Rev. Caldwell could probably get a better sense of how to attract young people to his church by asking actual young people, rather than sending memos to the deacon board, which is no doubt dominated by social-climbing middle-aged types like Mrs. Dunlap.

To be fair, Curtis’s suggestions for video entertainment need to be taken with a grain of salt.

Blondie, 9/30/07

“Wanna hear something else funny? Now that you’ve broken your neck and are either dead or permanently paralyzed, I don’t have to return any of the tools I’ve borrowed from you!”

Family Circus, 9/30/07

It shouldn’t come as a surprise that Grandma is worried that Jeffy is retarded. What’s funny is that Jeffy apparently has the same concerns about Grandma.

Meanwhile, in Mary Worth, Dr. Jeff is getting into dangerous territory…

Panel from Mary Worth, 9/30/07

Don’t ask about “the bum boat special” unless you really want to know, Drew.