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Beetle Bailey, 6/2/16

I guess the point of the first panel is that it Beetle needs to get this aphorism from somewhere outside himself, because otherwise why hasn’t he been putting it to use in his own life before? But where could he have heard it, I wonder? If anyone involved in the creation of Beetle Bailey had ever used a computer, maybe Beetle would be browsing a Facebook group called Extremely Insipid Memes That Are Affiliated With A Radio Station For Reasons That Are Not Entirely Clear, but as it is, we’ve just got to go with the next-best idea: he got it from a four-page pamphlet with nothing on the cover. Makes sense!

Judge Parker, 6/2/16

Haha, yes, Abbey, your daughter’s dream of rock stardom are silly and should be quickly discarded! Now let’s continue helping your husband put endless identical law books that he’ll never look at up on the shelf of his new pretend office that still reeks of horse shit.

Dennis the Menace, 6/2/16

The Mitchells are a typical American family, and today’s Dennis the Menace offers a glimpse at what’s inside the typical American refrigerator: glass bottles of various sizes containing orange liquid, a carton of eggs (?), and an entire uncovered bone-in ham.

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Dennis the Menace, 5/29/16

Ha ha, yes, it’s funny because even the most loving relationships degenerate into a living hell of passive-aggressive nagging if given enough time, but what I really want to know is: why is Dennis going on a road trip with the Wilsons? Notice how their journey is taking them from the city to the countryside. Maybe the reason they aren’t using a GPS is because none of the digital mapping services know where The Burying Place is. That’s the sort of lore that only gets passed down by word of mouth.

Panel from Slylock Fox, 5/29/16

Hey, kids! Somewhere, miles off, in a town not depicted in this comic strip, an awesome killer robot is just blowing stuff up nonstop! Probably with lasers and missiles and explosions and stuff! Meanwhile, in this panel, math is happening.

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Mary Worth, 5/25/16

“Look, it’s not physical at all! It’s spiritual. Like, the first time we did yoga together in his tiny little apartment, I knew he was my ‘guru,’ which means ‘teacher’ in Hindi, a language neither of us speak. So we’re not having sex, but I am a blind devotee to his every whim! Would I die for him? You bet! Kill for him? Absolutely! Have sex with him? Definitely! Have I been having sex with him already? Yeah, for like three weeks now! Wait, did I say that last part out loud?”

Dennis the Menace, 5/25/16

“How much blood must I wade through, father? How much carnage before the world is purified?”