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Slylock Fox, 9/3/18

It’s hard to deny that the new animal regime of which Slylock is the enforcer has a human problem. Humans make up a vanishingly tiny portion of post-animalpocalypse Earth’s sapient population, but it seems like Slylock is constantly being called on to deal with their petty crimes and disputes. Of course, the fact that humans are a despised, impoverished minority who just lost what must have been a bloody and devastating war to the regime has nothing to do with this, so the animals in their benevolence have decided to confine the humans to a beautiful rural area along with the few animals who never made the Change, where they can steal each other’s omelettes in relative peace.

Gil Thorp, 9/3/18

It’s time for the Gil Thorp fall storyline, and the Gil Thorp fall storyline is about insufferable cineastes. Remember a few years back when the local tattoo parlor used bootleg DVDs as a loss leader, except the DVDs turned out not to be bootleg after all? Well, by making cinematic entertainment seem “edgy” and “cool,” that long-departed tattooist planted the virus of cinematic appreciation in the minds of the local youth, and now the kids all have home theaters and 2001 posters and obsessions with mid-’90s indie films and whatnot. I desperately hope we see each and everyone one of these children get repeatedly stuffed into lockers by the football team, who just want to bring pride to the community by tackling people and don’t want to get drawn into tedious arguments about auteur theory.

Dick Tracy, 9/3/18

Hey buddy! I know when you got into the drug-dealing game someone probably said “this stuff sells itself!” but that’s a bit of an exaggeration. You have to at least tell the kids that you’re selling drugs before they’ll buy it. You can’t just lean against a pole thought-ballooning about it!

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Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 9/1/18

Ah, Snuffy and Lukey are having a good laff, over the idea of a whole Congression’l District of Smifs! Of course, none of Snuffy’s relatives would have any intention of voting, paying taxes, obeying laws that restrict their whims, or otherwise buying into the scam of representative democracy. That’s why it’s so funny!

Dick Tracy, 9/1/18

I get that Sam and Dick are pleased, but those aren’t “Yay, we’re going to solve a mystery!” smiles. Those are “Looks like someone’s about to be shot multiple times in the face while ‘resisting arrest’” smiles.

Crankshaft, 9/1/18

Hey guys, for total verisimilitude, please go back and read the last year or so of Crankshaft, strips, and for every one that takes place on his bus, imagine a faint but distinct odor of stale vomit.

Gil Thorp, 9/1/18

I guarantee you that Gil has whined about “participation trophies” at some point in his life, but it appears the punchline for this summer’s golf storyline is “not cheating is basically winning!!!!” Bring on the bonfire, I’m begging you

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Mary Worth, 8/26/18

Man, maybe I’m a bad person for seeing a sincere, chipper, bright-eyed recovering substance abuser telling his lovely girlfriend on the beach “And I don’t hate myself anymore!” and enjoying my most honest laugh in weeks. But if you’ve read this blog all these years and not known what kind of person I am, well, that’s on you, I guess. Anyway, long story short, there’s no word in the English language to describe how extremely healthy and durable this relationship is going to be!

Mark Trail, 8/26/18

Hey, kids, do you think that plants are boring? Tell that to fuckin’ hogsbane, a 14-foot-tall invader that, if you try to kill it, will blind you by spraying you with its poison blood. No wonder Mark doesn’t even crack a half-smile in today’s strip! We must kill all plants, everywhere, until we can be sure that we’re safe.

Dick Tracy, 8/26/18

So Dick Tracy is doing a two-week “minit mystery” with a guest artist. It’s a locked room mystery in which the real Dick Tracy has to solve the murder of a guy cosplaying as Dick Tracy, and all the suspects are people cosplaying as Dick Tracy villains, which I think is a pretty good metaphor for how far up the ass of its own lore this strip has gotten in general.

Funky Winkerbean, 8/26/18

I’m enjoying today’s Funky Winkerbean, in which the title character allows himself a brief smile when he believes that his mother-in-law has finally, blessedly died, only to scowl when he realizes she’s just dozed off.