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Dick Tracy, 8/23/23

Hey! Remember, Sprocket Nitrate, the ancillary Dick Tracy character whose whole deal is she goes around barefoot all the time? Well, we’ve heard that some of you foot sickos are getting a little too turned on by this, so for this plotline we’re having her walk through a dirty old abandoned train tunnel, which you shouldn’t find arousing at all, but rather unpleasant and distressing! [An aide whispers some information about the sort of thing foot sickos are into in my ear] What? Oh NO

Blondie, 8/23/23

Ha ha, you guys heard about the “texting” these kids do today? You heard about these fancy new “cell phones”? Oh, you have? You say that 90 percent of Americans had cell phones 10 years ago? But if that’s true, why would a comic strip in the year of our lord 2023 be doing a joke like this? Huh, how do you explain that, smart guy?

Marvin, 8/23/23

I’m not sure if I personally have done something to offend an ancient spirit or powerful magic user, or if rather a curse attached itself my bloodline in generations past, but I have made peace with the fact that I am fated to inform you, my hapless readers, every time the newspaper comic strip Marvin does a joke where the whole thing is “Check it out! Piss and/or shit!” Anyway, here’s today’s Marvin.

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Dick Tracy, 8/21/23

Hey, remember that Dick Tracy storyline that I wasn’t really bothering to try to follow in any detail? Well, it’s ended (?) with the main (??) villain falling into a big pile of pigeon shit. Say what you will about being eaten alive by rats while you’re wearing a gimp suit, but it has a certain dignity to it.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 8/21/23

Galoot? Ruckus? Holler? The roots country bullshit in this strip is reach intolerable levels. Someone needs to call the CDC to quarantine the whole thing until we can figure out what’s going on.

Slylock Fox, 8/21/23

Of course Slylock knows! He’s been standing here watching the whole thing! You’re not making him do any stupid math and it’s not fair.

Mary Worth, 8/21/23

Well, the dognapper ordeal was resolved with the victims restored to physical and psychological health, and then Mary and Ed wrapped up their depressing date, so that means we’re finally ready to move onto a new storyline — oh, wait, what’s that? It’s time for Saul and Eve and their dogs to visit a “dog beach”? That’s, uh, great! I’m happy about this! I love dogs, and dog-related Mary Worth storylines! Please don’t tell anyone I don’t like dogs! [Tomorrow’s banner headline: AREA DOG-HATING BLOGGER CANCELED]

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Dick Tracy, 7/24/23

I think, over the years that I’ve done this blog, that my brain has developed a protective layer that stops truly terrible (in a boring way, not a fun way) soap opera plots from taking root. I choose to believe that this, and not some kind of incipient dementia, is why I can not tell you a single thing about what is going on in Dick Tracy, despite diligently reading it every day. Who is Madsen? I mean, I know he’s this ska guy, but what is his relationship to Audie and Sabrina, exactly? What’s the deal with Anders? Is “Argos” a place or a person or Odysseus’s dog or what? I neither know the answer to any of these questions nor do I plan to go back through the Dick Tracy archives to discover them, but that won’t stop me from enjoying today’s strip, in which Audie spills his dang pills, then calmly and meticulously drops them back into the pill bottle.

Gil Thorp, 7/24/23

“What kind of town is Milford anyway?” you might rightfully ask. Well, it’s the kind of town where the craze for high school athletics completely dominates all local media, but it’s also the kind of town where a hardened teenage criminal in the middle of playing punishment football might say something like “Coach Thorp, it’s raining. Shall we adjourn?” It’s a rich tapestry and I respect that so much.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 7/24/23

I’m sorry, “didn’t mean to make a joke” is possibly the most unnecessary thing Rex Morgan has ever said. “If that came across as a joke, please know that I didn’t mean it, and I only did it accidentally because I have no idea what a joke is or how they work. I definitely don’t enjoy them and would never make one on purpose.”