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Family Circus, 5/25/09

As several faithful readers have pointed out, this epic two-week “The Family Circus family sells off their household belongings in order to feed their litter of children” plot is a rerun from decades past, though I hadn’t seen it before. I’m pretty sure I’d have remembered it if I had, because I’m pretty sure this is the first time that I’ve seen some sexy interloper put the Keane’s rock-solid and extremely fecund marriage in jeopardy. I’d make some crack about “pole dancing,” but this blonde bombshell looks less like a stripper and more like some kind of pretty princess doll magically brought to life, which to my mind is much, much creepier.

Dick Tracy, 5/25/09

You know what separates Dick Tracy from your run-of-the-mill out-of-control cop who operates above the law and kills perps, suspected perps, and those standing in close proximity to suspected perps with impunity? It’s his philosophical turn of mind. For instance, if someone had asked me what did in the Queen of Diamonds, I’d have said that it was some combination of suffocation and massive third-degree burns all over her body after she fell into a smokestack. But Tracy is never satisfied with proximate causes, and is always looking for the deeper origins of events. I suppose that’s what makes him such a great detective — that and his propensity for violence and lack of a shred of human empathy.

By the way, I offer half-hearted kudos for linking that Queen of Diamonds plot to the current One-Eyed Jack storyline. I’m relieved to learn that, though the tendency for criminals to run around dressed as playing cards is rampant in the Dick Tracy universe, it appears to be limited to a single family.

Spider-Man, 5/25/09

I knew that the recent Wolverine flick didn’t perform at the box office as well as had been hoped, but does he really merit banishment to the Spider-Man newspaper strip? That seems like an extreme punishment.

Apartment 3-G, 5/25/09

“Wait, you want me to help you make a decision? Gary, don’t you know who I am? I’m Tommie Thompson! I don’t decide things; I just let events happen to me, then I whine about it. Here, I’m going to close my eyes until you’ve decided whether to move to Denver or not. Then I’m going to sigh endlessly.”

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Blondie, 5/20/09

You know, it used to be that Elmo served as a foil to draw out Dagwood’s barely concealed child-like side, with his penchant for cute little songs and whimsical nostalgia for mass unemployment and the like. But lately, it seems like he’s increasingly forced to stand in for The Kids Today, and specifically for the worst thing that The Kids Today do, which is texting. I suggest that Blondie should just take a solid week that consists entirely of Dagwood shouting “I HATE TEXTING! I HATE AND FEAR IT EVEN THOUGH I ONLY HAVE THE VAGUEST IDEA OF WHAT IT IS OR HOW OR WHY ONE DOES IT! IT MAKES ME FEEL OLD! I’M NOT OLD BUT TEXTING MAKES ME FEEL OLD! IT IS WORSE THAN GENOCIDE!” Once that’s out of his system, the feature can go back to what it does best (i.e., sandwich-based hilarity).

Pluggers, 5/20/09

Boy, the plugger chicken-lady sure is obsessed with her various surgeries, isn’t she? I look forward to this little plugger-plot escalating creepily. “Pluggers always like to keep their old stuff around — you never know when it will come in handy” will be the caption as the chicken-lady opens up a closet full of her jarred organs.

Gil Thorp, 5/20/09

Wow, so it looks like the current Gil Thorp storyline will be not so much “the Internet is terrible” but “don’t put pictures of stuff you don’t want people knowing about, such as pictures of you breaking the law, on the Internet, you stupid jackass.” This is actually a pretty useful lesson for today’s teenagers to learn, so it’s kind of too bad that none of them read Gil Thorp.

Dick Tracy, 5/20/09

“Get it? Because … that’s something you’d say in a poker game? And there’s sort of a card motif going on here? Anyway, long story short, I beat this guy to death.”

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Apartment 3-G, 5/13/09

Hey, Margo’s Mousy Assistant Whose Name I Cannot Be Bothered To Remember (from here on in to be referred to as MMAWNICBBTR): take a cue from your boss and finger-quote! It’ll save you time!

Beetle Bailey, 5/13/09

I was going to say that Beetle should be charging more for his escort services, but then I thought, what kind of added value does he really offer the customer, anyway?

Dick Tracy, 5/13/09

“We’ll see who’s about to die” ought to be Dick Tracy’s mission statement.

Momma, 5/13/09

“Also, we’ll all be dead soon enough, so it’s not really our problem!”