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Rex Morgan, M.D., 4/15/23

Aw, shucks, it looks like Dr. Mirakle really is Rene Belluso after all, cleverly disguised via fake eyebrows, though the question of whether Mud Mountain is a coconspirator or a mark is still up for grabs. Sadly, Rene used to know Hank Sr., so the “kid” Hank Jr. (who is clearly 15 years older than Rene at minimum) might recognize him at some point in the future, despite having had a not particularly brief conversation with him at close range earlier and seeming to not notice anything amiss. The point is that we’re gonna get a boat murder, or at least a boat attempted murder, and I think that’s neat.

Dick Tracy, 4/15/23

Speaking of crimes, Neo-Chicago’s Major Crimes Unit has called in an classic games expert for The Case Of The Guy Who Loves Classic Games Too Much, and check out how Sam is just absolutely embarrassing himself here. “Somebody’s playing cops and robbers and won’t share the dice.” C’mon Sam. Cops and robbers is an open-ended game of make-believe that children play, it isn’t like some structured thing with dice and board pieces and whatever. And what would “sharing” dice even mean in this metaphor? That’s not how dice work! Steve thinks you’re a big idiot! Why can’t you just be normal?

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 4/15/23

Hmm, and how did Loweezy find out about this information, exactly? Sure, everyone knows Snuffy is a notorious layabout and criminal, but usually criminals can be relied upon to keep their mouths shut to protect their associates. But it seems not all the gossip in Hootin’ Holler is exchanged at the gossip fence.

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Gil Thorp, 4/11/23

Oh, gosh, I guess I’ve been failing to keep you informed on Actual Sports Action in Gil Thorp, although obviously you’re fully up to date on Unsettlingly Realistic Mascot Action. Anyway, during the championship game, a collision between two players caused one of them to go into cardiac arrest, just like what happened to the Buffalo Bills’ Damar Hamlin, but unlike those wimps in the NFL, our high school players finished their game and the Mudlarks won the championship to cap off an undefeated season. I’m showing you today’s strip because I know it contains action you do care about (Coach Hernandez whispering erotic threats into Gil’s ear).

Dick Tracy, 4/11/23

Meanwhile, in Dick Tracy, there’s a new criminal with a strong theme on the loose, and you can tell by Dick’s face in the final panel the withering contempt he holds this guy in. “Remember when my rogues gallery consisted of people with horrible scars or mutations, and perpetrating violence was the thing they loved most of all? Well, now I’m going up against a guy who’s into [extremely heavy sigh] classic game show.”

Dennis the Menace, 4/11/23

I guess the joke here is that this birthday party is such a wild ride with Dennis and the other local brats that a normal clown can’t handle it, but that doesn’t really match up with what we’re seeing, which is a bunch of children standing around holding balloons politely. So maybe Mr. Wilson is actually just hoping a violently bucking bull will soon burst through the fence, trampling everybody to death.

Hi and Lois, 4/11/23

I am absolutely in favor of Hi and Lois leaning into a new concept for Hi and Thirsty’s work life: that Mr. Foofram is a weak nebbish that Thirsty and Hi constantly walk all over. “He’s taking me out to lunch — then we’re gonna come back and fuck on your desk, so you might want to clear out.”

Pluggers, 4/11/23

Many years ago I caught some blowback for smugly claiming that pluggers live in filth because they’re gross and lazy. Now that I’m older and wiser, but mostly older, I see the truth: pluggers live in filth simply because most filth is on the floor, and you have to bend over to get to it.

Mary Worth, 4/11/23

I’ve been trying for a while to come up with my own joke about this strip but I’m afraid it’s perfect and requires no elaboration? Enjoy Estelle efficiently finding a solution for this beefy man and his ailing boa constrictor that doesn’t add to Dr. Ed’s workload or emotional load, everybody!

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Dustin, 2/22/23

Is a hot dog a sandwich? This question bubbled up from the bowels of the web in 2013, certainly a more innocent time for online discourse, before crossing over into the mainstream the next year, with discussion in The Guardian and a ruling that hot dogs and sandwiches are two different things from beloved friend of the blog Judge John Hodgman. Now, Dustin is a fundamentally middle-of-the-road institution that takes great pains to not offend anyone (other than young people, who are correctly assumed to not read newspaper comic strips), so it can’t stake out a position on such a controversial issue, but it wil venture to ask questions in a similar vein: are different kinds of sandwiches sandwiches? Yes, says Dustin, because a category can contain smaller and more specific categories. We hope you have found today’s strip insightful and amusing!

Dick Tracy, 2/22/23

Sure, that’s an awkwardly worded headline, but you have to understand that in Neo-Chicago newsworthy incidents that do not result in multiple horrible and disfiguring injuries are extremely rare, so you have to put the most important and interesting thing right at the beginning of the sentence.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 2/22/23

I can’t decide if this joke was written by someone who is blissfully unaware of “ha ha, hillbillies are all inbred” jokes, or by someone who is extremely aware of them and leaning way in because nobody cares about newspaper comic strips any more, God is dead so do as you will, etc.