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Dustin, 6/19/22

Earlier this year, my faithful readers were treated to what I assume was an enlightening etymological journey in which they learned that the phrase “the bucket list,” far from being some longstanding cliche in the English language, was actually dreamed up by the screenwriter for the 2007 film of the same name. It’s therefore interesting to note that despite the phrase’s recency, many people who use it seem to forget that the “bucket” part comes from “kicking the bucket,” and treat it as a generic “list of things you want to do someday,” rather than what it actually is supposed to be, which is a specific “list of things you want to do before you die, an event which you suspect might occur sooner rather than later.” Anyway, my point is that the Dustin creative team seems to fall into this category, and also the category of people who think it’s hilarious if an item on someone’s “bucket list” involves an actual bucket, or a thing like a basketball hoop that’s close enough. Either that or Dustin’s eight-year-old friend is actually dying, in a storyline that I guarantee will jerk exactly zero tears since nobody is emotionally involved in the comic strip Dustin or any of its characters, but it would explain why this kid seems to think he needs to do a slam dunk now rather than just waiting to get taller.

Mary Worth, 6/19/22

Imagine if you had been subject to abuse from your intimate partner so violent that it landed you in the hospital, where you spent the night being cared for by a sensitive physician’s assistant, and the next day, as you’re leaving, you screw up your courage and ask him out on a date. If you discovered at that point that he had a girlfriend, it would — and I am not exaggerating here — be one of the best things that could’ve happened to you in that scenario. Girl, you need some time on your own and this guy has weird control issues, do not answer the phone when he inevitably calls you!!!

Dick Tracy, 6/19/22

Oh, huh, looks like Dick’s plan to sleuth out Mr. Memory’s location has been short circuited by the fact that Mr. Memory is enjoying a pleasant dinner with the Plentys, Dick’s son’s parents-in-law. Mostly I’m posting this on the off chance that Dick is about to have his face gouged off by an owl and I didn’t want you to miss it.

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Dick Tracy, 6/16/22

Oh, right, I guess I never mentioned that the owl guy had, pre-owl-stuff, been seen using hypnosis (?) to convince people to hand over money they were taking out of ATMs, and is also a classic member of Dick’s rogues gallery named “Mr. Memory.” ATM-hypnosis is in the same bank-robbing ballpark as the stuff our heroes are investigating, but I appreciate Sam pointing out that it’s not the same thing as draining bank accounts via computer hacking, at all. I suppose he could’ve just used his hypnosis powers to convince a bank employee to do the bank account draining for him. Dick, however, is very set on this computer business being at the center of things, to the extent that he’s defensively claiming that Mr. Memory needs computers to “plan” his crimes, but while the flashback scene in panel two today is completely wild on a number of levels, at its heart it’s fairly standard tying-people-up-and-holding-cops at gunpoint stuff that doesn’t need, like, an advanced AI to pull off. Maybe Mr. Memory and his gang had a shared Google Doc that they used for brainstorming ambassador-kidnapping ideas, I dunno.

Dennis the Menace, 6/16/22

The thing about this panel is that what Dennis is saying is nonsense. What’s menacing is his attitude. Just standing six inches behind his dad while his father tries to do a little fixy stuff for once, casually sipping his soda from a straw, letting loose with some pointless advice. “You’re a dipshit, dad” is just kind of his whole vibe, you know?

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Blondie, 6/14/22

The first panel of today’s strip sent me into an emotional state that, if you’re a frequent reader of this blog, you know I experience far too often: indignation that a comic character’s whole longstanding deal is being ignored for the sake of a joke! OK, sure, Blondie started her catering business in 1991, which was a full 61 years after this strip was started, but it was also 31 years ago, so I think it counts as pretty well-established, and the lore is that Blondie and Tootsie run a full-on catering business, not a “sandwich shop.” But by the time I got to the end of this strip, I realized what was happening: this guy is one of Dagwood’s buddies from the online forums for real sandwich sickos hosted on the dark web. Anonymity on those sites is the rule of the day so that people can post their innermost desires without fear, but Dagwood managed to dox this guy and told Blondie just to say “the s word,” as the sandwich community puts, and she’d get a loan in no time. And people say Dagwood’s lazy! He’d do anything for his wife, even betray the most sacred trust among sandwichlads.

Dennis the Menace, 6/14/22

Dennis at age 6 realizing that sating one’s appetites to excess can rob those appetites of their pleasure, yet pressing on with mindless consumption nonetheless: reaching a new threshold of personal self-menacing. Or he’s just disgusting and covered with bits of food, one or the other.

Dick Tracy, 6/14/22

Look, Dick Tracy, none of us are interested in playing “the long game” with you and filing these little clues away for payoffs months or years in the future, OK? We want one thing out of you, and it’s murders, murders, murders.