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Shoe, 12/12/21

I honestly, and shamefully, would be down for Shoe to mine for laffs the relationship between Treetops’ one newspaper and its (presumably) one local television station. In such a small community of bird-journalists, one assumes that there’s a certain amount of social mixing going on, which probably includes an uncomfortable portion of slovenly print journalists harboring lustful feelings for the more camera-ready TV types. So I’m disappointed that this is all just a setup for a “hot air mass” punchline, and am all the more disappointed that said punchline is delivered in a way that doesn’t really make sense. Shouldn’t Shoe be saying “Watch out, she’ll recognize…” or something like that? In his defense, I guess, he’s probably pretty drunk.

Dennis the Menace, 12/12/21

Dennis truly menaces us today by illustrating that whatever high-minded beliefs we have about living in a functioning society as enlightened beings who work towards the greater good, in truth it is only “the Santa clause” — that is, the belief that correct actions will be materially rewarded and transgressions punished — that keeps us from degenerating into a state of total anarchy.

Dustin, 12/12/21

Welp, looks like you can add Dustin’s parents to the list of comic strip characters who fuck that I assume you diligently maintain. I take no pleasure in reporting this.

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Funky Winkerbean, 11/16/21

Remember how after the big post-Lisa’s-death Funky Winkerbean time jump, all the promotional material around the strip said it was going to push its aging cast into the background and focus more on a whole new set of teen characters to get back to its roots as a high school trip? Well, that very obviously never happened, possibly because it turns out that the average age of a newspaper comics reader is well within the range of Social Security eligibility, a group that intensely hates and fears teens. To cater to that demographic, the strip appears to be paying more and more attention to the generation older than the original cast. Like Funky’s dad, for instance! You remember him, right? His whole deal is that he’s enfeebled to the extent that Funky put him in a home, but he’s also very horny? This church choir story just took a turn, is what I’m saying, a horny, horny turn.

Dustin, 11/16/21

You ever wonder if Dustin’s family gets so sick of Dustin’s dad that they just tell him he has to leave and be insufferable at someone else for a few hours? Well, turns out they do, I’m pleased to report!

Beetle Bailey, 11/16/21

Remember earlier this year, when we learned that in addition to being an amiable moron, Zero is a terrifyingly efficient killing machine? Well, today we find out that he thinks shooting someone in the head is what sex is! Ha ha, look how satisfied he looks in panel two.

Gil Thorp, 11/16/21

How “enh” has this fall’s Gil Thorp plot been? We’ve finally got to the big twist, and it’s that … Tevin has been receiving qualified care from a professional therapist, and that helped him more than YouTube hypnosis! You can tell the kids are as bored as we are because they’re just stone cold going nuts about it, or maybe just because someone is standing on a table. “Hold on, Karl,” says Coach Kaz says. “Someone using a piece of furniture for something other than its intended purpose? This is interesting!”

Mary Worth, 11/16/21

oh my god it worked Wilbur scared off Dr. Ed with his aggressive karaoke violence, I don’t know if I’m furious or very impressed

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 11/5/21

Well, it looks like Griff’s loyalty to his old friend — who was, let’s be real, pretty rude to him when he made a perfectly polite offer to cut Jordan in on some murderous shenanigans for hire — is so intense that he’s willing to blow up the shadowy leader of the cabal he works for, which will probably have any number of negative implications for him professionally and personally in the near to medium term. I do sincerely hope that all this plays out with Jordan and Michelle none the wiser, and they head forward into their married life completely oblivious to the fact that they were almost involved in something interesting happening.

Mary Worth, 11/5/21

Oh hell yes, it’s going to be a karaoke-off for Estelle’s love! Wilbur may not have been able to defeat Zak at Matrix-style kung fu, but now we’re on Wilbur’s own favored turf: the world of song! Will he prevail this time? My guess is not, I think we all assume he’s really bad at singing, right? Libby knows the score.

Dustin, 11/5/21

Dustin’s mom has definitely learned well from her earlier attempt to make conversation with her husband, and now she’s just going to do her best to get through this dinner without talking or responding to him at all. Come on, just keep chewing, keep your eyes locked somewhere around his chin, you can do it, we all believe in you.