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Funky Winkerbean, 9/12/12

In accordance with Funky Winkerbean’s long tradition of making unbearably big deals out of low-level life problems, Mopey Pete the comics artist is behind deadline on the Superman book he’s working on, which is being portrayed metaphorically by him being bedeviled by a sinister supervillain called “The Lord of Late.” This was easy enough to ignore until today, when it was revealed that Mopey Pete is writing a series about Superman walking across America. Does Mopey Pete not know that Superman can fly?? Then I found out that this was actually a real thing, which just made me madder. Does DC Comics not know that Superman can fly??

Rex Morgan, M.D., 9/12/12

Oh my goodness, Rex’s look of weary disgust in panel three is priceless. “Ugh, the worst part of my highly-compensated medical work is that sometimes you repair a dumb meatsack and then it thinks you have some kind of emotional connection to it or something. Looks like it’s time to starting having all patients anesthetized before I come into the room!”

Hi and Lois, 9/12/12

Poor Trixie has been used as an unwilling tool in the seduction of more innocent girls than she can count, with her pre-verbal status leaving her unable to warn Chip’s emotional victims. You can tell by her face in panel two that this is really starting to wear her down.

Family Circus, 9/12/12

Check out Dolly’s smug facial expression! That’s the look of a girl who can find the sex parts of any book.

Herb and Jamaal, 9/12/12

Shorter Jamaal: “I hold my best friend in withering contempt, because I’m a terrible person.”

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Family Circus, 9/8/12

Oh, God, something horrible happened outside, didn’t it? Those aren’t the faces of little kids who were having some fun out in the yard; those expressions are of illness and queasy terror. And then there’s Dolly, standing in the doorway, staring at them, marking their words. “Are they telling Mommy? They were specifically ordered not to tell Mommy. They know the punishment for telling Mommy: More mud pies. More mud pies. You don’t know the meaning of the word ‘filling,’ Jeffy.”

Apartment 3-G, 9/8/12

Hey, everyone, the Professor’s back! Back from … I dunno, did he go somewhere? I guess he did, they made a big deal out of his return earlier this week. Anyway, now he and Greg are bonding over their shared heritage, which seems to be causing a stone-faced Margo to vibrate with hostility in the final panel. Is she about to unleash a series of vicious anti-Greek ethnic slurs that will result in her being forever blackballed by the cabal of Hellenes who pull the strings of New York’s PR industry?

Wizard of Id, 9/8/12

The moral of today’s Wizard of Id: Don’t be lured into complacency by the false promise of nonviolent agitation for radical change! Violent expropriation of the rich’s wealth is the only path to successful class war.

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Family Circus and Dennis the Menace, 9/3/12

Happy Labor Day, everybody! Let’s all celebrate the prosperity of the American worker, which has allowed the children of the American worker to become whiny, entitled brats who can only say “gimmie gimmie gimmie.” Looks like a century of child labor laws have had negative social consequences after all! Let’s get Dennis and Billy to work in a glove factory stat and shut their greed-holes with good, honest manual labor at 50 cents an hour.

Gasoline Alley, 9/3/12

Gasoline Alley traditionally celebrates Labor Day by eschewing its usual inane plots for elaborate drawings of chain-link fences. Today’s strip contains a shocking innovation, however: acknowledgement that a so-called “Internet” exists, and that Gasoline Alley strips can be found there. Given the no-doubt extensive overlap between people who still pay for print newspaper subscriptions and people who faithfully read Gasoline Alley in the newspaper because they are unaware of other alternatives, this seems like a poor business decision.

Archie, 9/3/12

Today’s Archie may be telling us that in times of idleness we desire business and vice-versa, so that we are never truly at ease; it may be making a larger point that the things we desire will never be as sweet as we imagine; or it may be more specific, showing us that Archie himself cannot stand to spend quiet time with himself without confronting his own essential emptiness. This is pretty heavy stuff, particularly for Reggie, whose own obnoxious egotism has largely shielded him from any kind of depressing introspection.

Marmaduke, 9/3/12

Don’t be alarmed, Dottie! Like you, Marmaduke is “watching his weight.” Specifically, he needs to regulate the amount of human flesh-meat he consumes in order to be as svelte a hell-demon as he can be. So even if that number is a little higher than you’d like, be glad, because your extra pounds are all that stand between you and gory annihilation.