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Family Circus, 5/21/20

Real talk: I was originally going to do a bit here about Jeffy thinking his grandmother was ordering him to strangle PJ, but decided that was too dark even for me, then though about spinning a scenario where Jeffy and PJ were going to “play jail” (PJ clearly being in a prison jumpsuit) with Jeffy giving him advice on which gangs to join and which guards were corruptible and such. But then I decided that nothing could be more hilariously grim than the actually intended reading of this panel, which is that Jeffy is such a dull-eyed literalist that he believes that his grandma really wants him to find some ropes and show them to his little brother, for no reason he can fathom but honestly, how much reason can Jeffy ever really extract from his world, anyway?

Funky Winkerbean, 5/21/20

Funky Winkerbean has been taking a break this week from “Les is simultaneously morose and smug while sabotaging his Hollywood career” to bring us an episode where Funky has some kind of heat stroke hallucination while running and thinks he’s talking to a weird robot, who is instantly the most likable character in this strip. I for one am very excited to watch the strip change its name over the next few years from Funky Winkerbean to Funky and the ‘Bot to Everyone Loves The ‘Bot! (Featuring Funky Winkerbean And Pals) to All Hail The ‘Bot.

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 4/23/20

As near as I can tell, I think this tale of Truck and his persistent dry cough has always been a coronavirus story that, what with publishing lead times and slow-moving soap opera plots being outpaced by real-world developments, will just keep feeling a little behind the curve, so to speak, in the sense that suddenly we’re at the “oh no, people should be wearing masks!” stage of things. But what if it weren’t? What if this was written months ago, and it’s just a story about how Rex realized that he’s got a bunch of sick old people in his office, which is pretty gross when you think about it, and wouldn’t it be better to give them masks to wear? Just as a first step towards eventually not letting them in at all, of course.

Family Circus, 4/23/20

Well, the Keanes have already let their children read non-gender-specific literature, so I guess it shouldn’t be a surprise that they’re starting to learn about punctuation, aka “the Devil’s letters.”

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Dustin, 4/16/20

Because Dustin tries to take an even-handed approach to its tales of the generation wars, it gives each of its main characters little foibles: Dustin, for instance, is lazy, feckless, stupid, unattractive to women, and generally is responsible for this once-great nation going down the toilet, whereas Dustin’s dad sometimes likes to snack too much. Anyway, I’m a guy who knows a little bit about emotional eating, and if Dustin thinks his dad can’t shovel popcorn into his maw while weeping, well, it looks like stealing his dad’s popcorn is just another “job” he’s going to fail at.

Mary Worth, 4/16/20

Mary’s go-to piece of concrete advice when people are having a hard time choosing between options is to tell them to make a list of pros and cons, and it looks like Dawn is getting a lot of material as she decides which boyfriend to dump!

HUGO: Extremely hot
JARED: Clumsy, sniveling nerd
Hugo +1

HUGO: Will not shut the fuck up about how much better things are in France
JARED: Will not shut the fuck up about Star Wars
Tie

Looks like Hugo’s still in the lead!

Blondie, 4/16/20

It’s taken years, but I guess the comics-reading public has grown numb to Dagwood’s obviously erotic relationship with food. So now, in order to titillate and repulse us by turns, Dagwood is turning to the auto-erotic, becoming obviously aroused by video footage of himself unhinging his jaw to swallow a sandwich whole. Who says legacy comics can’t innovate?

Dick Tracy, 4/16/20

This strip’s occasional “Minit Mysteries” have usually honored the second half of that phrase, each one providing clues over its two-week span that would allow to reader to solve the mystery, Slylock Fox-style. However, it seems the current Case Of The Sexy Tied Up Alien is going to be solved the “old-fashioned way,” which is to say by the police force executing a no-knock warrant and charging in with their guns blazing, killing perpetrator and victim alike.

Family Circus, 4/16/20

Man, the Family Circus intern/algorithm that combs through the archives for topical panels sure is working hard, huh? I assume this one was originally created as part of a campaign against single-payer health care.

Gasoline Alley, 4/16/20

Gasoline Alley, the strip that brought you a thrilling storyline about trying to return a DVD player, now puts you through each pulse-pounding moment of a meeting that falls apart because the organizers can’t figure out the A/V equipment and the main speaker is late!!!! Can you handle the thrills??????