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Mary Worth, 10/11/18

So it looks like Mary’s going to go with the “Tee hee, I need a big strong man to make sure I’m not ripped off by those ruffians down at the auto repair shop” gambit to try to lure Saul out of his Sadness Condo. Charmingly patriarchal as I find Mr. Wynter’s snarled “What happened to your boyfriend?”, we all know what happened to Mary’s boyfriend: (a) this is all a ploy so he’s not even involved, (b) he has an actual job, unlike these two retiree layabouts, and (c) he’s extremely nervous and would probably react to any hard sell from the mechanics by saying “He’s right, Mary! A car without a thorough undercoating is unsafe!”

Crankshaft, 10/11/18

There’s this whole depressing long-simmering storyline that Crankshaft has revisited over the years about how Lilian thwarted her sister Lucy’s love life when they were young out of jealousy, which I can never keep the details straight because I find it tedious, and also I think Lucy died within the last ten years of real-life time or so in some tragic way … was it Alzheimer’s? I’m gonna say Alzheimer’s. Anyway, the fella who was the object of both sisters’ desire in their youth is this behattèd gentl here, who’s come to this class reunion to offer absolution, I guess, and also offer career advise: Lilian should write a book about her tragically dead sister! Sure, she’s written exactly one book, a cozy murder mystery, and cozy murder mysteries are a solidly commercial genre that you can be real successful in if you find your niche, and she landed her agent on the strength of that manuscript, but why not suddenly shift gears and write a memoir? Remember, this is the Funkyverse, where the only valid literary form is the Tragic Memoir About A Loved One Who Died.

Funky Winkerbean, 10/11/18

Speaking of the Funkyverse, Funky had planned to “run through the tape here at Montoni’s,” which I take to mean that he intended to keep working there until he died, presumably of a rage-stroke while he screamed at some tomato sauce supplier over the phone, but now he’s going to abruptly hand the job over to his nephew and peace out. Does he have any retirement savings to fall back on, or has he finally realized that dying in poverty is preferable to smelling burnt pepperoni and sadness every day for the rest of his life?

Crock, 10/11/18

This comic doesn’t make any sense because it’s established Crock canon that Maggot and Grossie live in a tent. I hate that I know this.

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Funky Winkerbean, 10/2/18

So “Atomik Comix” (I think that’s the whimsical spelling they’re going with, I may well be wrong but please do not bother telling me if so) is running into some trouble, because apparently neither its founder, a wealthy comics-obsessive misanthrope and shut-in, nor its creative directors, who for some reason quit presumably lucrative jobs in the film industry to take this gig, could’ve predicted that a brand new comic book company trying to foist nostalgic-feeling superhero print books that nevertheless feature entirely new characters might not be so successful or profitable. So they’re turning to desperate and doomed techniques to boost sales numbers, like giveaway contests! Specifically, they’re giving away some nostalgic “atomic bomb rings” Chester found on eBay, which, I am reasonably certain based on today’s strip, will turn out to have been made in the ’40s or something with real plutonium, causing cancer, because everything comes back to cancer in the Funkyverse! Can’t wait for the massive lawsuit that will bankrupt this company and its unlikeable employees once and for all!

Dennis the Menace, 10/2/18

There’s just so much going on here that doesn’t quite gel into a coherent comic but I still kind of love it? Like, Mr. Wilson is standing on the scale, which we’ve previously seen is a soft spot for him that Dennis can poke at, but apparently Dennis, who’s outside the bathroom, has decided to go for the “haha, remember that time when you shat so much you fucked up the plumbing?” jugular instead. And Mr. Wilson’s so mad about it! Like, he probably went in to weigh himself and closed the door because he didn’t want the little neighbor kid who unaccountably keeps coming into his house to make a fat joke about him, again, so instead Dennis just humiliates him by yelling “Careful of those big ol’ turds, Mr. Wilson!” It’s grim, extremely grim.

Slylock Fox, 10/2/18

How long has it been since the animalpocalypse ushered in the Glorious Animal Regime in Slylock Fox, do you think? Five years, maybe? Ten? Anyway, we’ve apparently got to the point in its political development when the mass arrests start.

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Panel from Slylock Fox, 9/30/18

I don’t mean to sound like a speciesist or a “H. sapiens dead-ender,” but it’s sad that the Animals managed to overthrow and destroy our civilization despite being clearly unable to create a new and better culture of their own, instead just mimicking the humans who came before them to the best of their understanding, which often isn’t all that good. For instance, the new regime was aware that the late human economy was in large part driven by an overly credulous class of investors who would throw money at any STEM major willing to spin a narrative of bullshit about “disruption” and “innovation” without doing any kind of due diligence, but they apparently regard this is as a necessary aspect of the system rather than one of the factors in its decline. They also thought that this role would best be played by literal fat cats, since they don’t understand metaphors.

Funky Winkerbean, 9/30/18

Sorry, Crazy Harry! Komix Korner is in the Funkyverse, where the only permissable emotions are mounting anxiety and heavy-lidded ennui. Cease all expressions of joy at once!