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Beetle Bailey, 9/30/15

“Why doesn’t he get his news from … the radio? Yes, he sits at a desk all day and is younger than the U.S. Army’s mandatory general officer retirement age of 64. A radio is definitely the thing that makes the most sense for this joke. Yes, sir, a radio.”

Funky Winkerbean, 9/30/15

I just want to note, in the midst of Dead Lisa’s Return — which today is taking the form of “fake photo in fake old-timey photo album” rather than “face on a TV screen,” just for a little narrative variety — that the timing on all this advice is 100% useless, thanks to negligent VHS-labelling on Lisa’s part. Like, Les and Cayla have been together for years, and a lot of these warnings didn’t really apply because Summer and Keisha were already in their late teens, but, like, what if they hadn’t been? What if they had been little kids and Cayla had only found this video after years of marriage? “Whoops, I’ve been treating Summer as an unloved stepchild and lavishing extra affection on my own daughter all this time! Darn, if only there had been some way to know this video existed at the beginning of my relationship with Les, we could have all avoided a lot of emotional drama.”

Spider-Man, 9/30/15

Now, we make fun of Newspaper Spider-Man here a lot, but let’s be sure to praise him when he deserves it. For instance, in panel one here, he’s proven himself a true innovator, coming up with a fantastically stupid new way to carry suitcases.

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Herb and Jamaal, 9/28/15

Pretty sure the word you’re looking for is “beneficiaries,” there, my friend! Or maybe not? Maybe this poor fellow has become ensnared in some diabolical scheme that he agreed to when he was young and foolish, when sinister figures offered to lavish gifts upon him so long as he named them in his life insurance policy, knowing, through devilishly accurate actuarial science, that their investment would be profitable. Now he’s a living financial product, the revenues arising from his demise already securitized and sold as tranches to overseas investors in China and Dubai, and everyone is just waiting as his clock ticks inevitably down.

Apartment 3-G, 9/28/15

This is amazing. I am genuinely in awe of this. Imagine that you had asked me, “Hey, Josh, this storyline, where Margo crossed a psychic and was behaving erratically and didn’t recognize her former fiance, who had sensed that she was in danger with his psychic Tibetan mind powers — can you come up with a super boring resolution for it?” Never in a million years would I have settled on “I dunno … something glandular, maybe?” I wouldn’t have had the nerve.

Funky Winkerbean, 9/28/15

I also would never have predicted that the “Other Woman” DVD would feature Lisa telling Les’s future partner that, yeah, Les is going to shout “LISA!” while you’re fucking, and that Cayla would watch this and smile a little smile and think, yeah, he does, that’s classic Les. I mean, it’s pretty obvious in retrospect that this was how this might go down, but I probably wouldn’t have been able to force myself to think about it long enough to reach that natural conclusion. I’ve barely been able to hold it together and type this paragraph.

Momma, 9/28/15

You know, the Met has very little contemporary art, so look on the bright side, Momma: at least your son isn’t some kind of eternal undead demon.

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Crock, 9/26/15

Why did I recoil in disgust from Tuesday’s pee-soaked Beetle Bailey and yet genuinely chuckle at today’s camel-poop-centric Crock? I dunno, man, probably I’m just fickle, but I think it has a little to do with the attitudes of the two comic creatures. Otto looked sadistically thrilled at the prospect of pissing all over some innocent flowers; Quench the camel, meanwhile, just looks kind of pleased with himself for his quick thinking. “Yeah, you can kill me, bandit-man, but at least I gave back as good as I got, via pooping. That’s some solid wordplay-inspired defecation work on my part, if I do say so myself.”

(Side note: I remembered Quench’s name without having to look it up! I’m a sad, sad man who’s wasted his life.)

Funky Winkerbean, 9/26/15

Oh, God, this tape is going to be full of praise for anyone who managed to overcome her natural emotional defense mechanisms and fall in love with Les. I wish it were about sex stuff now!

Dennis the Menace, 9/26/15

All the neighborhood parents abruptly abandoned their homes and children several weeks ago, and these cookies are the last food they have left. Believe me, there’s nothing else! They’ve looked.