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Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 3/22/12

See, it’s just like the 1914 Flanders Christmas Truce, but with colorful accents, obesity, and th’ diabetuss.

Funky Winkerbean, 3/22/12

Bull, dear, you were scouted by the St. Louis Cardinals, not “the then” St. Louis Cardinals. Believe it or not, they were called “the St. Louis Cardinals” only during their years in St. Louis (1960 – 1987), so there’s no risk of confusion with any “before” or “after” St. Louis Cardinals. If you need to rule out the baseball team, just add “NFL” or “football.” But otherwise, please — it’s a language; people use it to communicate. Show some care with it.

Now if Les were a real friend, he’d help Bull relive his glory days by pointing out his error at great length — with helpful examples, a diagram or two, and maybe a condescending little smirk. Then Bull could pound his ass like back in the day, go home, bang Linda, and enjoy his best night’s sleep in twenty-five years.

Spider-Man, 3/22/12

Utterly ineffective against Loki and now immobilized, Spider-Man’s gonna spectate the hell out of this battle. It’s like a dream come true!

Marvin, 3/22/12

If he’s sitting on the comics page, I dread tomorrow’s strip.

— Uncle Lumpy

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Apartment 3-G, 3/14/12

Hmm, Apartment 3-G, do remember that there was once a lady who didn’t want to have kids, but her husband browbeat her into it, and then, when she reacted to motherhood exactly the way you’d think someone who didn’t want kids but was browbeaten into having one would react, everyone she knew decided she was a monster and it was totally 100 percent OK that her husband made a pass at another woman, while they were married? She was named Thérèse, and she was in For Better Or For Worse, and she was, um, somewhat controversial, so perhaps we don’t want to be modeling anybody on her situation too closely? I expect rampant fetus worship from Tommie and her new found obsession with midwifery and Lu Ann and her love of all things tiny and (for the moment) dumber than her, but I have to say I’m kind of disappointed in Margo here. She’s about to bust out laughing and say, “Ha, no, I’m screwing with you, let’s take this six-pack over to Nina right now,” right?

Funky Winkerbean and Crankshaft, 3/14/12

Meanwhile, over in the Funkyverse, the Lady Scapegoats have been permitted by their hitherto malevolent God to claim the state basketball championship. At least they overcame adversity and all that; hateful old Crankshaft appears to be on the verge of some other delight-generating golf triumph (a hole in one? I’m not looking at the last few days’ strips, you can’t make me) thanks to pure dumb luck. Presumably this means that the very fabric of Funky-reality is about to be torn apart from joy overload, so everyone involved needs to enjoy it while they can.

Six Chix, 3/14/12

When you contemplate newspaper comics, do you think to yourself, “Enh, I like the funny drawings and all, but there isn’t enough puking for my taste.” Well, consider their game STEPPED UP.

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Funky Winkerbean, 2/20/12

Hey, something good appears to be happening to characters in Funky Winkerbean! So why is everybody reacting to this news with facial expressions that range from very slight smiles to deep concern? Presumably because they know that nothing good actually happens to characters in Funky Winkerbean. That’s the science class in panel two, and these nerdlingers are well acquainted with the Funkyverse’s Law of Conservation of Misery: if something good happens, it will either set up something worse happening later (e.g., the girls’ team’s loss in the championship will be much more agonizing than another mediocre season that raises nobody’s expectations) or will result in something terrible happening elsewhere (e.g., the girls return with their championship trophy only to find that terrorists have killed everyone at the school and left the building a flaming ruin).

Marvin, 2/20/12

I don’t think you’ve got that quite right, Roy! If Jeff really wanted you out of the house, he’d teach you how to use Craigslist, since no legit jobs actually advertise in the primitive “newspaper” anymore. Presumably he’s going through the motions of handing you the paper to emphasize that he doesn’t actually like you, but is trying to keep you around because you’re one additional target for Marvin to irritate and/or puke on.

Momma, 2/20/12

So, uh, yeah, what do you suppose is going on here?

• Momma is a resident of Carmel-by-the-Sea, California, and this strip is taking place in 1986
• Momma doesn’t follow politics but does vaguely remember that Clint Eastwood ran for office once, and she also considers him a better age-appropriate sex fantasy than Ron Paul
• Momma is disgusted with all politicians and wishes that Dirty Harry would shoot each of them one by one with his .44 magnum
• Momma is old and kind of demented and just saying stuff