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Judge Parker, 4/20/21

Hey, kids, it’s 4/20, and you know what that means: time to get high (IF THAT’S LEGAL IN YOUR JURISDICTION, CAN’T EMPHASIZE THAT ENOUGH, DEFINITELY NOT ENCOURAGING ANYONE TO DO CRIMES HERE) and think to yourself “Whoa, dude, what’s going on in, like, Judge Parker?” Last we checked in, you might recall that Randy was having a meltdown because his daughter reported to him that she had spotted her mother April (estranged from Randy, ex-assassin on the lam) lurking outside. But now April is in the house, insisting that that other, lurking April isn’t the real April, but their daughter insists that this April, the one in the house yelling at Randy, isn’t her real mother! Who is right? Will we see some red-hot real-April-on-fake-April fisticuffs? If you’re already high and are thinking “Whoa, dude, I can’t follow any of this,” let me reassure you that I’m not high at all and I can’t really follow it either.

Funky Winkerbean, 4/20/21

Speaking of stoners, probably we’re not supposed to think of this kid at Funky’s pandemic-swollen AA meeting as a stoner, I guess? Just dumb, like all of today’s dumb kids who take video games seriously. I honestly kind of love that he’s specifically put here to point out the fact that the first name “Funky” would in fact sound insane to a normal person, but as soon as he was assigned the “knows about video games” attribute he immediately had to be rendered as a slack-jawed dope, those are just the rules of the Funkyverse, maybe go research the differences between Golden and Silver Age Flash comics if you want to better yourself, buddy.

Mary Worth, 4/20/21

Oh hell yes, Dr. Drew is an Instagram influencer and I am extremely here for it! I certainly hope that his handle is “tha__naturedoc” and all the pictures he posts tomorrow consist of a few California wildflowers that you can see here and there if you look to the side of his prominent shirtless torso.

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Mary Worth, 4/19/21

Oh, wow, I don’t think we’ve ever seen Dr. Jeff’s distinguished McMansion before, have we? Generally, Mary prefers her cozy condo to the echoing, (emotionally) empty halls of Chez Cory; she might occasionally stop by with an enormous bowl of brown nutrient goo to ensure that her beau doesn’t starve to death before she deigns to go to the Bum Boat with him ten to fifteen business days hence, but my guess is she tends not to linger.

Anyway, is Dr. Drew also just briefly stopping by to make sure his father hasn’t fallen and broken his hip, or are we meant to understand that he still lives with his dad, despite being well into his 30s? That might explain his dissatisfaction, considering that if he tried to bring home one of the ladies who’s smitten with him for a little action, Dr. Jeff would probably be there in the kitchen, smiling and offering to ladle out some “delicious” “turkey” “stew” for her.

Funky Winkerbean, 4/19/21

Among the other things that the coronavirus pandemic destroyed is the barely comprehensible logic of the time gap between Funky Winkerbean and Crankshaft. It’s simple, really: the events in the current Crankshaft strips are definitely taking place ten years before the events of Funky Winkerbean, except that both strips are emerging from the pandemic at the same time. Makes a ton of sense! Maybe we’re meant to understand that Funky Winkerbean takes place ten years from now after an even worse plague that’s displaced coronavirus from our discourse as “the [unnamed] pandemic.” Anyway, whatever’s going on over there, it’s sure making everyone miserable!

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Beetle Bailey, 4/13/21

I’m reasonably sure that Zero’s original one-note Beetle Bailey character definition was “is stupid,” but apparently at some point along the line it was decided he needed more depth or an origin story or something, so now the fact that he grew up on a farm is also part of his gimmick. He’s still a buck-toothed simpleton, though, which seems like it would alienate readers in “real America,” but I guess when you’re an institution as beloved by elite urban intellectuals as Beetle Bailey, you can get away with this stuff.

Funky Winkerbean, 4/13/21

Today’s strip represents the third time that this “Harry Dinkle the choirmaster” storyline has done a hilarious gag where the ladies of the choir are unfamiliar with Harry’s whole shtick from years as the Westview band director/fundraising impresario, and he briefly flies into a rage before managing to ratchet things back. At least he isn’t bleeding from his face this time? Anyway, it occurs to me that the last time anyone saw Harry in regular action in this strip as a band leader was more than 14 years ago, before he went ironically deaf, so honestly only hardcore Funkyheads like [extremely heavy sigh] me even know what he’s going on about; assuming this strip has accrued any new readers over the past generation, all of them are just as befuddled by what’s going on as the choir ladies are. Neat, huh?

Crankshaft, 4/13/21

OK, now I’m back to wishing that Crankshaft hadn’t skipped over the pandemic, since apparently we missed the delightful image of Crankshaft stabbing himself with a meat thermometer, his friends only able to look on in horror over Facetime as he quickly passed out due to blood loss.