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Gil Thorp, 11/10/08

The Sad Story Of Soft-Hearted Jeff And Matt The Hat reached its natural climax last week; but if we learned anything from the Sad Story Of Elmer The Unwitting Illegal Immigrant, it’s that Gil Thorp cares nothing for your fancy literary theories as to what constitutes a satisfying narrative arc. No, we’re instead going to be subjected to the meandering post-big-reveal goings-on around Milford High, in which our students and coaches will try and mostly fail to grapple with the new reality that’s been unveiled. It’s just like real life, but with worse hair and more mutant disembodied flipper-hands.

Anyway, the ’Czak is being hailed school-wide as a hero, as beefy morons who risk their lives for the entertainment of others always are, which means that his heart-healthy behatted friend will take the fall. The sad thing is that the arbiter of Milford ethics is the Milford Trumpet, a publication that can’t do better for signage than a piece of paper taped to a doorway. It’s probably not surprising that Matt’s journalistic overlords are upset for his participation in this deception, but I feel compelled to point out that they didn’t see any problem with him writing a glowing piece about his best friend.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 11/10/08

As is all too typical for me, I totally lost interest in the current Rex Morgan plotline once it got “exciting.” To wrap up briefly: Tweaks’s boat capsized, Rex leapt into the water to save him, and Lenore and Tweaks made up in the ambulance, because it turns out that he didn’t actually cheat on her with some young secretary — he just told people that he did, which is totally OK. This strip in noteworthy, though, because in panel two Rex, speaking as Lenore’s doctor, helpfully points out that she’s going to die soon.

Spider-Man, 11/10/08

Hey, everybody, remember Saturday, when Spidey had mysteriously burst free from Big Time’s nutty handcuffs? Well, it turned out that, uh, didn’t happen. I’m OK with this blatant discontinuity, though, because it provides an opportunity for more Spider-Boneheadery, as our hero uses an oncoming train to burst his bonds, with his total dismemberment being only a minor side effect. My heart goes out to those commuters whose trip home will be delayed.

Gasoline Alley, 11/10/08

Also, remember Saturday when Gasoline Alley promised us a wacky Bonnie and Clyde-esque flight from the law across America? Well, it turns out that Slim will just be talking about his big ass instead, with visual aids.

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Spider-Man, 11/8/08

Spider-Man has posed one vaguely interesting super-hero-esque narrative dilemma this week: How will Spidey get out of those nutty handcuffs? Naturally, this is resolved just below the bottom of panel two, where we can’t see it, while the storyline is endlessly rehashed by characters nobody likes.

Gasoline Alley, 11/8/08

Will Slim and Clovia loot what little cash is left in their business’s accounts, then high-tail it across American on the run from their creditors and unpaid employees? I’d love to see it, if only because Slim is such a spectacular failure that he’d inevitably end up in debtors’ prison.

Pluggers, 11/8/08

Pluggers have nowhere in particular to go and nobody who wants to see them, so they might as well just sit at the barber’s for twenty minutes, or an hour, who the hell cares, at least they have old magazines to read, God, why is life so empty and meaningless.

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Luann, 10/16/08

Hi there, perverts with delicate sensitivities! Did you enjoy last week’s exciting “Brad sees Toni in a sports bra and becomes aroused” storyline? Well, then you’ll love this week’s provocative “Gunther delicately drapes his measuring tape over Luann’s ‘bust,’ at her explicit request, and becomes aroused, but apparently feels bad about it” storyline! You can blame the stultifying Victorian sensibilities that still reign in the anachronistic print media for the bizarre chasteness of these scenes, but you can thank those same sensibilities for sparing you the sight of Brad and/or Gunther furiously masturbating in the bathroom just after those scenes ended.

Mark Trail, 10/16/08

Wow, this Mark Trail storyline is trying to mash all of the strip’s usual tropes into one big steaming pile of narrative mess. We’ve already got lovable forest-dwelling hermits, a rapacious developer with a mustache who hates nature, and a sexy lady who wants into Mark’s khaki pants. Now we also have hillbillies who are cruel to animals! Inevitably, Sneaky will be drawn into this terrible scene, with the intention of putting us on the edge of our seats with worry over the beloved raccoon. There are two related problems with this plan. This first is that Sneaky is not lovable at all, but rather a soulless, dead-eyed monster who cannot be regarded with anything other than dread. Sneaky, I thrilled to the adventures of Molly the Bear; I danced on stage with Molly the Bear; Molly the Bear was a friend of mine. Sneaky, you’re no Molly the Bear.

The second reason why I’m not anxious for the fate of our raccoon hero in a Sneaky vs. dog smackdown is that Sneaky, being a sociopathic killer, will emerge victorious in a matter of bloody, horrifying seconds. I foresee a lot of overall-clad bumpkins standing around a fetid shack uncomfortably while Sneaky rears up triumphantly over the corpse of his victim, chittering out the raccoon equivalent of “COME ON! YOU WANT A PIECE OF THIS? HUH? DO YA?”

Gasoline Alley, 10/16/08

Words that have never, ever been followed by engaging narrative of any kind: “Let’s check it out on the Internet!”