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Herb and Jamaal, 11/17/08

Far be it for me to tell hard-working cartoonists how to do their jobs … oh, wait, actually, it turns out that that’s exactly what my schtick is. Anyway, clearly ketchup is the wrong vaguely edible item to be used as the lynchpin of this joke. I think virtually all American bachelors have ketchup in their refrigerators. Quite a few probably have only ketchup in their refrigerators. Back when I was a bachelor, I had generally had in my refrigerator mayonnaise, milk, butter, barbecue sauce, leftover Chinese food, and a bottle of ketchup — even though I never really put ketchup on anything, I just sort of felt like it was something I had to have. It’s the Default American Condiment.

Anyway, this comic would have worked better if Herb had asked for, say, that mysterious gooey pink sauce you get in packets with Chinese take-out. I was going to try to figure out the name for that substance, but then I realized that “that mysterious gooey pink sauce you get in packets with Chinese take-out” also worked better in the Herb and Jamaal oeuvre. Of course, it would be kind of weird for Herb to want to put that stuff on his hamburger, but it’s also kind of weird that he’s eating a hamburger that’s roughly eighteen inches across, so who am I to say what’s normal in this scenario.

Mary Worth, 11/17/08

As a fan of laughably concretized metaphors, I’m glad to see that Lynn is shredding things, just like her father shreds her soul. I’ve had cats that dealt with life’s stresses in much the same way. Unfortunately, what with the strip’s typically inscrutable art, I can’t tell if she’s shredded the designer scarf daddy bought her for Christmas in July or just some random topo maps she keeps around for emo acting-out purposes. Anyway, I hope that she’s worked all this angst out of her system so that she can take off her casual purple lounging track suit and put on that kicky stripey blue t-shirt and face the world with a smile!

Gasoline Alley, 11/17/08

I can’t tell you why exactly, but after multiple Gasoline Alley storylines that I’ve more or less ignored completely, I’m suddenly riveted by the tale of Slim and Clovia’s financial woes. But Slim contemplating injuring himself terribly for money may have something to do with it.

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Gil Thorp, 11/10/08

The Sad Story Of Soft-Hearted Jeff And Matt The Hat reached its natural climax last week; but if we learned anything from the Sad Story Of Elmer The Unwitting Illegal Immigrant, it’s that Gil Thorp cares nothing for your fancy literary theories as to what constitutes a satisfying narrative arc. No, we’re instead going to be subjected to the meandering post-big-reveal goings-on around Milford High, in which our students and coaches will try and mostly fail to grapple with the new reality that’s been unveiled. It’s just like real life, but with worse hair and more mutant disembodied flipper-hands.

Anyway, the ’Czak is being hailed school-wide as a hero, as beefy morons who risk their lives for the entertainment of others always are, which means that his heart-healthy behatted friend will take the fall. The sad thing is that the arbiter of Milford ethics is the Milford Trumpet, a publication that can’t do better for signage than a piece of paper taped to a doorway. It’s probably not surprising that Matt’s journalistic overlords are upset for his participation in this deception, but I feel compelled to point out that they didn’t see any problem with him writing a glowing piece about his best friend.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 11/10/08

As is all too typical for me, I totally lost interest in the current Rex Morgan plotline once it got “exciting.” To wrap up briefly: Tweaks’s boat capsized, Rex leapt into the water to save him, and Lenore and Tweaks made up in the ambulance, because it turns out that he didn’t actually cheat on her with some young secretary — he just told people that he did, which is totally OK. This strip in noteworthy, though, because in panel two Rex, speaking as Lenore’s doctor, helpfully points out that she’s going to die soon.

Spider-Man, 11/10/08

Hey, everybody, remember Saturday, when Spidey had mysteriously burst free from Big Time’s nutty handcuffs? Well, it turned out that, uh, didn’t happen. I’m OK with this blatant discontinuity, though, because it provides an opportunity for more Spider-Boneheadery, as our hero uses an oncoming train to burst his bonds, with his total dismemberment being only a minor side effect. My heart goes out to those commuters whose trip home will be delayed.

Gasoline Alley, 11/10/08

Also, remember Saturday when Gasoline Alley promised us a wacky Bonnie and Clyde-esque flight from the law across America? Well, it turns out that Slim will just be talking about his big ass instead, with visual aids.

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Spider-Man, 11/8/08

Spider-Man has posed one vaguely interesting super-hero-esque narrative dilemma this week: How will Spidey get out of those nutty handcuffs? Naturally, this is resolved just below the bottom of panel two, where we can’t see it, while the storyline is endlessly rehashed by characters nobody likes.

Gasoline Alley, 11/8/08

Will Slim and Clovia loot what little cash is left in their business’s accounts, then high-tail it across American on the run from their creditors and unpaid employees? I’d love to see it, if only because Slim is such a spectacular failure that he’d inevitably end up in debtors’ prison.

Pluggers, 11/8/08

Pluggers have nowhere in particular to go and nobody who wants to see them, so they might as well just sit at the barber’s for twenty minutes, or an hour, who the hell cares, at least they have old magazines to read, God, why is life so empty and meaningless.