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Gil Thorp, 9/6/19

There’s an old joke/parable about a guy who’s trapped on his roof during a flood. As the waters rose, not once, not twice, but three times rescue boats motored by, but each time the man refused help, saying, “The Lord will provide.” Eventually, the waters rose up over the roof and he drowned, then found himself face-to-face with the Almighty. “I don’t understand!” he said. “You said you would provide for me in times of trouble!” And God replied, “Hey, I sent three boats.”

My point here is that just about every Gil Thorp plot involves Gil and/or his student-athletes and/or the Milford athletic department getting into a big mess, throughout which Gil just smirks smugly and reassures everyone that everything will work out for the best, and it usually does, thanks either to someone else doing most of the work or pure dumb luck. So you could see why Gil is serenely confident at this point that the Lord, or whatever the philosophical equivalent of an omnipotent deity is for a syndicated comic strip, is working tirelessly to rearrange reality in his favor. Unfortunately, when other people who believe they have free will turn out to be part of the Lord’s inscrutable plan, you can see how they might start to feel a little cranky and unappreciated after a while! Anyway, I hope this ends with Marty trying to rent B/Robby’s billboards to say more mean things about Gil, then finding out how much that costs, then just resorting to using WDIG’s photocopier to make a bunch of signs about how Gil is a jerk, which he’ll tape up on utility poles all over town.

Mary Worth, 9/6/19

Oh, man, communicating with a potential beau outside the internal SilverDaters messaging system is not recommended, both because it reduces the time-on-site metric SilverDaters uses to quantify customer engagement and because it reveals your real name and email address, opening you up to identity theft or whatever. I’m guessing that this latter route is where this storyline is going; this is going to make it awkward that Mary herself encouraged this online dating thing, since the final lesson will be that, once again, the internet is only good for desperate loners who deserve all the suffering they get. To counteract this negativity in advance, I would like to praise the SilverDaters user experience engineers who realized that an extra large font would be best for their targeted customer demographic.

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Mary Worth, 3/4/19

After Estelle’s cavalcade of awful no-good dates, I was beginning to think that maybe Silverdater profiles just didn’t have pictures? You know, because so many old people believe that cameras capture and imprison your soul or whatever. But, nope, I guess she looked at all those other dudes and said “sure,” or, conversely, was bamboozled by their misleading photos and yet still believes “Arthur Z” is the silver fox she’s seeing on her off-brand tablet. Anyway, “Arthur Z”: not real, right? That’s a model from a denture catalogue badly photoshopped onto a picture downloaded from the Wikipedia article for Tahiti? And “Arthur”’s gonna ask for money, via an international wire transfer? I’m excited!

Gil Thorp, 3/4/19

Hey, can we talk about Marty’s boots? Specifically: what the heck is the deal with Marty’s boots? I mean, I don’t doubt Marty Moon is a man who allows himself the little boost you get from a subtly raised heel, but, like, how far up the leg do they go? Are they cowboy boots? Shiny black leather cowboy boots? Marty has vanquished B/Robby and it’s only Monday, so presumably he’ll spend the rest of the week gloating, possibly while spinning around gleefully in his chair, so maybe we’ll get to see some different angles on them.

Marvin, 3/4/19

Honestly, I don’t think it’s possible for Marvin to be more on-brand than this strip, in which the title character’s exhausted mother stares at her son, eyes heavy-lidded, trying to convince him that, actually, someday he’ll enjoy shitting in a toilet instead of his pants, while he glares back at her in open defiance.

Dennis the Menace, 3/4/19

Truly excellent menacing today, Dennis. Nostalgia is a trap! Wallowing the the idealized “good old days” blinds you to the true scope of history and cuts you off from progress!

Pluggers, 3/4/19

See, Pluggers gets it! (The whole point of Pluggers is that when you relate to one of the panels, that’s how you know you’re dying, right?)

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Six Chix, 3/1/19

Wow, these narrow-minded scientists are blinded by their sexist assumptions and won’t ever see Bigfoot … because it doesn’t even occur to them that she might be a woman! Also probably they’re looking for some hairy ape-like creature who’s about seven or eight feet tall, not a human-like creature who’s 60 feet tall and also wearing shoes. In related news, remember this Six Chix, about a lady who fucked a Bigfoot? Is there some kind of rule that to be one of the Six Chix, you have to eventually do a Bigfoot fetish comic, sort of the way you have to be beaten into a gang?

Mark Trail, 3/1/19

I’m not sure which possible scenario here is sadder: that Mark Trail, its publisher King Features, and its parent corporation Hearst Communications are too terrified of irritating intellectual property holders to print the words “Lego” or “[insert whatever TV show you think they’re talking about here, I did some half-assed Googling for ‘red black car TV’ and didn’t find the results illuminating]”; or that Mark and his friends live in a world without the #brands that we know and love, moving through a sea of undifferentiated products that lack any of the value added by the branding process.

Mary Worth, 3/1/19

Estelle’s date #4 is a literal hobo! You gotta admit, of all the ways to scam a free meal out of someone, this isn’t the absolute worst. At least he looks like he’s under 60!

Gil Thorp, 3/1/19

Say what you will about Marty Moon, but he has a certain cunning, and as a lifelong inhabitant/prisoner of the dump that is Milford, he knows exactly what pisses off everyone else who lives there: being reminded that their town is a dump. Guess B/Robby is going to be stuck in the dump forever as well, as punishment!