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Beetle Bailey, 11/10/17

Today definitely represents a high point in the 67-year-long failure to pass the Bechdel Test that is Beetle Bailey. The joke (“joke”) requires another woman with whom Private Blips can cattily gossip about Miss Buxley. Too bad there aren’t female characters available! Apparently it wasn’t considered realistic for her to be chatting with Mrs. Halftrack, Sgt. Lugg, or Sgt. Lugg’s cat [the following name came instantly to mind, despite my inability to remember, say, how old any of my nieces or nephews are] Bella, so the Walker-Browne Amalgamated Humor Industries LLC creative team just summoned a raven-haired doppelgänger out of the ether for her.

Gil Thorp, 11/10/17

Wow, Rick’s thousand-mile stare in the final panel is something. In an instant, he sees his life flickering ahead of him: his fame on message boards and Facebook groups frequented by elderly war vets will inevitably lead to a tour of VFW halls around the country, endless staring into seas of rheumy eyes as excited to hear patriotic ditties as they are suspicious of his shaggy-haired youthfulness. He’s going to be singing the national anthem a lot. Maybe “God Bless America,” too, if he’s feeling a little crazy. But he and Francis Scott Key are going to be locked in an intimate, suffocating embrace for years to come.

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Gil Thorp, 11/9/17

I’ve decided to settle in and just genuinely enjoy this Gil Thorp plot, which seems to ask us to unironically believe that Uncle Gary’s quest to make Rick Soto a viral singing sensation (a) could work and (b) would change his life if it does. After a vigorous astroturfing campaign got Rick the coveted anthem spot, Uncle Gary is swinging into action, bringing together video editors and social media experts to create the seemingly perfect organic explosion of worldwide interest in Rick Soto’s patriotic pipes. Look at Gary in the control center in panel two, with his bluetooth earpiece and mid-grade laptop! And in panel three … well, if grandpas of all people are watching Rick’s videos, can a Grammy award for Most Patriotic YouTube be far behind?

Spider-Man, 11/9/17

Man, I get it, the life a celebrity is exhausting, travelling between glamorous cities and promoting your films and what not. Sometimes you just want to go visit your old family friend, a dangerous lizard-mutant, and sun yourself on a rock in his terrarium, away from the probing eyes of the press, you know?

Rex Morgan, M.D., 11/9/17

Buck’s ex is of course violent, abusive, and delusional, and trying to separate him from his new, healthier relationship is a classic abuser move, but in panel three we get to see just how delusional she is. Like … does she think selling comic book panels on eBay is how a guy like Buck can woo a lady? That’s … that’s not how anything works, man.

Mary Worth, 11/9/17

[Not shown: four panels of Iris saying, “No, it’s too late in the evening, coffee will keep me up all night,” and Zak winking at her in increasingly exaggerated fashion and saying “No, not coffee, but, you know … coffee.”]

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Gil Thorp, 11/4/17

This entire “Uncle Gary schemes to get Rick to sing the national anthem” storyline is like the old philosophical irresistible force/immovable object problem, only with half-baked Gil Thorp plot points. Here, the conflict is between Gary’s monomanical attempts to get his nephew behind the mic for the homecoming game, which effort is all for naught because it can’t possibly lead to superstardom like he seems to expect, and Gil’s stubborn refusal to entertain the idea, which is entirely pointless and which he hasn’t even bothered articulating a reason for. Today’s strip is mostly entertaining to me because of the final panel, in which Dr. Pearl attempts to use her Ed.D. Mind Tricks to get Gil to lighten up already.

Spider-Man, 11/4/17

Speaking as a freelancer, I have to say that Peter Parker seems to have an extremely flawed view of the power dynamics between a stringer photographer and that stringer photographer’s only client. Still, I find today’s strip extremely relatable, as I too often soothe myself by imagining J. Jonah Jameson in a state of apoplexy.

Shoe, 11/4/17

Roz is right to sport the Patented Shoe Goggle Eyes Of Horror. In the Shoe world of sapient avians, a common form of suicide is to purchase multiple cats, then lay back and allow them to feed on the bird-flesh they crave.