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Hagar the Horrible, 7/23/18

The question of whether Hagar and his contemporaries are Christians or adherents to the old Norse pantheon is one that comes up often on this blog. But I guess these existential questions are best answered for all of us when we die, and Hagar’s looming demise is telling us a lot about who he served. Those aren’t angels, those are the servants of Ba‘al Zəbûb, Lord of the Flies.

Dick Tracy, 7/23/18

Good news, everyone! Sawtooth and Grimm did not manage to kill Dick Tracy while disguised as lovable bread-men! I myself am not a henchman for a criminal syndicate, but I really wonder: is admitting that you need medical attention because you’ve been shot, with a gun, enough for you to lose your “tough guy” status? Do transportation arrangements really trump a seeping bullet wound when setting priorities? I guess this is just further proof that I’m not cut out for the crime biz!

Gil Thorp, 7/23/18

Ha ha oh God this game is still happening this storyline is still happening this spring will never end

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Gil Thorp, 7/21/18

OK, fine, this is how the Gil Thorp baseball season plotline ends: with Barry Bader, who’s been just a relentless dick to everyone for, literally, more than two years, finally makes a little speech where he gives the most half-assed apology imaginable, in the middle of a game when nobody asks for it. You know this is the resolution because Gil and Kaz give each other big grins and say “That’s our Barry!!!!!” and then, presumably, walk away into the summer sunshine, never to think about Barry or any of the other seniors again. It’s only the fourth inning, but see ya kids, golf’s not gonna play itself!

Hi and Lois, 7/21/18

Hi’s kids only want to spend time with him because he’s bribing them with ice cream! That’s the joke I was going to write for my blog making fun of comic strips, but then I realized it’s also the joke of this comic strip, and it’s incredibly sad.

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Judge Parker, 7/19/18

Prediction time: my guess is that this whole Godiva murder storyline is actually Neddy’s screenplay that she’s been working on since moving to LA! I’ve been suspecting it for a while (there have been narration boxes that are scene headings), but today has really pushed me over the edge into believing it. Think about it: they say “write what you know,” but like most screenwriters, she’s writing what she wants to know, e.g., martial arts and how to make friends with her cooler, savvier boss. It’s nice at least to see a shoutout to the backstory on the Spencer-Driver foundlings, who were homeless and living rough with their grandfather when they accidentally set up camp on Sam and Abbey’s vast estate, and then their grandfather died and Sam and Abbey adopted them, presumably without too much legal fuss. (Abbey promised their grandfather would be buried in a beautiful clearing and definitely not ground up into a special treat for Abbey’s most handsome stallions.) Through the magic of fiction, Neddy is imagining a world where her tough childhood left her with near-superhuman abilities of self-protection, rather than just a host of emotional problems.

Gil Thorp, 7/19/18

I was sort of pretending to myself, just to force the world to make some kind of sense, that Barry’s big intervention was happening over the summer, that Gil Thorp was experiencing the same summer that we all were here in the United States, but nope, it looks like high school baseball is still happening! Is Gil going to risk defeat by starting Jay Bhatia on the mound today? Who cares, we’re more than halfway through July, how can any of this possibly matter.

The Lockhorns, 7/19/18

WHEN ZIP-A-TONE ATTACKS