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Archive: Gil Thorp

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True tales of teen romance

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Judge Parker, 2/17/16

A subplot of the Derek-Sophie storyline that I haven’t been dwelling on because I’ve been super not into it has been “Oh no! Derek wants to do sex stuff!” I’m actually pretty glad that today’s strip acknowledges that, you know, teenage girls also have sexual desires! I’m also glad to see that despite her transformation from a bullied nerd into a popular cheerleader with a hot boyfriend, Sophie is still the family intellectual, unleashing her brilliant “You know, this roadie business is the only thing preventing me and Derek fucking non-stop” strategy that will keep her parents befuddled.

Gil Thorp, 2/17/16

Speaking of young love, Amazonian rugby-star-turned-basketball-goon Kenzie Hanley and former placebo abuser Max Bacon are totally an item now, everybody! Mainly I’m posting this to point out that exaggerated mid-conversation “time out” gestures are exactly what I’d expect from the amiable athlete-dorks of Milford.

Crankshaft, 2/17/16

This is kind of delightful on its own, but if you want an explanation, it’s a follow up to this strip; apparently Max intended to send his mom a pic of himself in the tub as an E-Valentine (ew?), and got mixed up. Anyway, I want to point out that the fact that he’s inexplicably clean-shaven in panel one, combined with his pinched facial expression in panel two, makes it look like he’s pooping a little beard out of his chin.

Pluggers, 2/17/16

Pluggers know that, the way they eat, they’re gonna be dead in five years, ten tops, so who really gives a shit, you know?

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Namor’s mad that Atlantis was cheated out of its seat on the UN Security Council

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Spider-Man, 1/29/16

Ah ha! I knew Dr. Liz Bellman’s introduction was meant to imply that there was something significant about her identity. Seems she’s the granddaughter of Betty Dean, who, according to Comic Vine, “played a large role in convincing Namor to aid America and the Allied Forces in the fight against Nazi Germany,” so I guess she only convinced him that some of surface men were not his people’s enemies, ha ha! Comic Vine goes on to say that “Betty would eventually be reunited with Namor and the two would engage in a romantic relationship,” and that her “powers” include “Attractive Female”, which, come on, Comic Vine. ANYWAY, I guess Namor’s Surface-Dweller Fever will probably save humanity again, or at least give Spidey enough time to regain his strength and run away.

Gil Thorp, 1/29/16

Speaking of soap opera plots I don’t care much about, over in Gil Thorp the basketball season plot is about Kenzie Hanley, a very tall and strong elite rugby player whose athleticism has earned her a spot on the basketball team but mostly as a hulking enforcer, as her actual basketball skills are lacking, demonstrated by an egregious airball from the foul line earlier this week. I’ve been so bored by this that I don’t even have any strips posted to demonstrate the fact that up until two days ago, Kenzie was white! But never mind this colorist mixup, because we’ve at last arrived at what I hope will be the hilarious heart of this storyline: Kenzie switching to Rick Berry-style underhand free throws. Will this start a craze of underhand free throws, with the usual gang of Mudlark idiots working to outdo each other in how awkward they look? We can only hope!

Family Circus, 1/29/16

Ha ha, how much do I love Jeffy’s facial expression here? It’s like he’s finally figured out that he’s not the dumb one.

Pluggers, 1/29/16

Pluggers peaked in high school and are 100% OK with that.

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If it bleeds and/or causes fungal growth around bat muzzles, it leads

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Mark Trail, 1/13/16

Gabe, I’m sure you’re a very distinguished chiropterologist, and your skill at delicately plucking bats off of cave walls is unsurpassed, but you don’t know anything about selling magazines, OK? If America’s magazine-reading public (mostly airline passengers and people who accidentally clicked the “auto-renew” box on Magazines.com six years ago) see a big story in Woods and Wildlife about a healthy bat colony, they’re not going to think “Oh no! We need to act now to fight white-nose syndrome, probably by allocating millions of tax dollars to whatever university has Gabe on the faculty!” No, they’re gonna think “Wow, look at all those plump, healthy bats. Plenty more where those came from. Bet we could eat ’em, or mine ’em for coal, somehow.” If you want to move hearts, you need to show some full-on bat devastation. I dearly hope this plot climaxes with Mark carefully calibrating his punches to only stun the bats for the photographer, who then daintily daubs talcum powder on their noses for a heartrending but entirely fraudulent cover shoot.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 1/13/16

At one point in Alan Moore’s Watchman comics series, the psychopathic vigilante Rorschach is captured and arrested. Physically slight, he’s hassled on his first day in prison, but swiftly and brutally ends his first fight by grabbing a pan of hot grease from the cafeteria line and dousing his attacker’s face, leaving him screaming in agony. As the other prisoners look on in horror, he growls his most memorable line: “I’m not locked up in here with you. You’re locked up in here with me!” I just thought of that when reading this strip, probably for no particular reason.

Gil Thorp, 1/13/16

Gil Thorp’s basketball season plot has been snoresville so far, but is it about to involve some mid-game pantsing? I could get behind a rash of tit-for-tat pantsing leading to a new record for technical fouls in the Valley Conference.

Judge Parker, 1/13/16

Sorry, American “linguist”! You’ve no doubt done seen and done awful things in the name of protecting your country from the shadows, but Katherine wants that step-grandchild real bad, so it looks like you’ll be dying alone in a Serb prison!