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Beetle Bailey, 3/1/10

I swear I’m not making an effort to find the secret dark heart of Beetle Bailey lately; but doesn’t it just seem like the strip has just been getting kind of grim? Today’s installment appears to have been first written as an almost unspeakably bleak scenario: Beetle being dragged off by scowling MPs for treason or some terrible breach of the military law, to Fort Leavenworth or Gitmo or just a summary execution by firing squad. He weakly proclaims that it was all a mistake, he didn’t do anything, but the fact that he’s, against the grain of his usual character, put on a vaguely presentable uniform indicates that he knew the gig was up and decided to go out with a modicum of dignity. Sarge, meanwhile, can only look on in heartbroken shock. “Beetle!” he cries. “What have you done?! For the love of God, what have you done?!”

Presumably the editor for this strip, after putting his or her head down on the desk and crying quietly for a bit, sent it back to Walker-Browne Amalgamated Humor Enterprises LLC with a scrawled note to “wacky it up a little bit, with, I dunno, some Keystone Cops or 19th century U.S. Cavalry officers or some shit like that.” Then back to the weeping.

Gil Thorp, 3/1/10

Dang, Gil Thorp, I know you’re written by jocks for jocks, but can you tone it down a little bit with the anti-nerd hate speech? You know, Coach Kaz, maybe Mr. Kessler doesn’t have the “jailbait problems” you’ve encountered because he’s an urbane, witty gentleman who exudes class and intelligence, and therefore doesn’t attract the high school girls the way your mullet does.

Mary Worth, 3/1/10

“…and he took the bottom two-thirds of my pants with him! My God, my pale, tender leg-flesh … gleaming in the bright light of day … DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!”

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Archie, 2/27/10

I kind of love Jughead’s melodramatic hat-flipping drink-exploding spit-take of rage in panel three. It’s as if this final bit of Archie idiocy is just too much for him to handle. “Argh, I can’t believe I’ve been playing second banana to this moron for seventy years!”

Mary Worth, 2/27/10

If Mary Worth wants to dedicate a panel a day to Wilbur and Kurt’s ludicrous tomfoolery indefinitely, I for one would be OK with that. Today sets a hilariously low bar for the definition of “quality time.” “Hey Wilbur, hey Wilbur, check this out — I’m eating my own finger! Ha ha! No, don’t worry I’m not doing it really, but look, it looks like I am! Pretty funny, right?”

Spider-Man, 2/27/10

I’m sure these firefighters are just thrilled to have some out-of-town semi-employed “photojournalist,” armed with what appears to be a plastic Fisher-Price “My First Camera,” standing six inches behind them narrating every thought in his head aloud while they attempt to do their jobs. “Gosh, you guys, if we were in New York, Spider-Man could totally help me out right about now! But, uh, he doesn’t live here. Hey, is that someone burning to death upstairs? You guys? Anyone else hear that?”

Gil Thorp, 2/27/10

Aw, look how pleased Coach Kaz looks in the final panel — for once, someone is coming to him for advice! Sadly, it will just be another young man asking furtive questions about unbearable itching “down there,” proving once again why it’s a bad idea to overshare about your personal life when you’re substitute-teaching a high school health class.

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Mark Trail, 2/24/10

Oh, God, this whole conversation between Mark and Cherry is just lousy with lies and omissions. In Mark’s worldview, not only should ladies not engage in fisticuffs, they shouldn’t even hear about them if they can help it, as the shock would almost certainly result an attack of the vapors, and might cause their wombs to wander dangerously about their bodies. And, of course, the idea that Mark has any plans to go anywhere alone with Cherry, let alone on a trip to his beloved wilderness, is as laughable as the idea that Cherry is capable of feeling love, or indeed any emotion other than loneliness and panic.

Of course, it’s possible that I’m wildly misreading all of this, and, as Cherry languorously plays with the phone cord in panel one, she’s actually initiating a little erotic phone talk. One of those rare women who gets off on being cuckolded, she loves to hear Mark talk about when he and his “friends” “preserve” “wilderness areas.”

Gil Thorp, 2/24/10

Speaking of lies, it looks like Gil was able to use his smooth talk to get the local state college to break all of its confidentiality rules and gab about Steve Luhm’s academic status, revealing shocking information that’s not at all at odds with Steve’s explanation of the matter! Look, maybe the guy just really likes janitorial work and doesn’t see the point in taking on more student loans, OK? Certainly in panel two you can really get a sense of how upset he gets when you interrupt him with your jailbait antics while he’s in mid-mop.

Spider-Man, 2/24/10

Dear Spider-Man Newspaper Comic Strip:

When you depict your “hero” sitting around on a park bench, complaining about his own boredom and cowardice, asking pigeons for advice, it makes me think that you might actually be kind of in on the joke, which makes it harder for me to make fun of you. Please step back from the brink of ironic self-parody at once.

Yours,
The Comics Curmudgeon