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I know I said I was going to gloss over the strips that ran during my vacation, but, you know, I had to read them, at least the ones that have continuing storylines, if I didn’t want to be totally lost, and once I started reading them, well, some of them just were really calling out for the treatment and … I know, it’s a sickness. Anyway, here, quickly, are the high points of December 23 through January 1!

Judge Parker, 12/24/07

A very gratuitous Christmas came a day early for Abbey Spencer fans. I know that when most of you ladies have a sudden, drug-induced urge to paint your study, you want to slip into something more comfortable — like a halter top and a pair of Daisy Dukes so tight that you’re actually incapable of standing up straight.

Mary Worth, 12/24/07

Chester’s real owner apparently stole him away and, unbeknownst to Mary, replaced him with a plastic replica, if his weird sitting-in-midair position in panel one is any indication.

Spider-Man, 12/24/07

Peter Parker, meanwhile, got the best gift a boy could get: A trip to prison! Oh boy!

Christmas Day usually sees some variously awkward greetings shoehorned into different strips. My two favorites from 2007 were Dick Tracy, which heralded the birth of Our Savior with a scene of a collapsing building and an excitable workingman blathering about being pelted with corpses:

…and Gil Thorp, which proudly featured a set of cramped, noseless horrors that made last year’s Christmas card look museum-worthy:

For Better Or For Worse, 12/26/07

Meanwhile, Anthony has figured out a way to make little Francie accept her new mommy: force her to watch their bland, noodly sexual congress.

Gil Thorp, 12/28/07

Gil Thorp promises to break new dramatic ground in the new year by featuring a high school-aged student-athlete who is arrogant and unpleasant! (And yet how can we hate anyone who throws around put-downs like “climb down off your dinosaur”?)

Mark Trail, 12/29/07

A terminally ill Luke Wilson said, “Don’t waste your time, Trail,” by which he obviously means “Let’s not over-stimulate your readers with any kind of action or excitement when I can just tell them all what happened and then expire quietly.” No word yet on whether Mark will punch his corpse.

Panels from Apartment 3-G, 12/30/07

Margo added another bullet point to her résumé of personal destruction: enabler!

Panel from Judge Parker, 12/30/07

Sam proved, as if we need any more evidence, that he has no intention of having sex with his wife ever again.

For Better Or For Worse, 1/1/08

And, in the first moments of 2008, April took a good, long look at Gerald’s penis. She looks troubled by what she sees.

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Slylock Fox and My Cage, 12/17/07

Ye cats! It’s a sexy feline trans-comic crossover scenario! I’m ashamed to admit that I hadn’t yet added My Cage to my Chron custom page, mostly because rebuilding a page with 70+ strips is a pain in the ass. But I’ve liked what I’ve seen of it, and its writer, Ed Power, is a faithful reader, so Cassandra’s glamorous appearance in the strip’s humdrum office setting has finally gotten me off my butt to do so.

Norm will pay for dismissing Cassandra based on her appearance, though. She’s 100 percent qualified — to steal the hell out of all your crap, buddy.

Meanwhile, with Cassandra off running some kind of white-collar long con, her cousin Carla is picking up her slack, theft-wise. I find it kind of endearing that Carla is wearing a cat-burglar suit despite being an actual cat. And today’s Slylock actually teaches a valuable lesson, namely: DON’T EVER TRUST CATS.

Mark Trail, 12/17/07

Everyone knows that Mark Trail has incredibly powerful fist and an inability to feel distracting human emotions; but you may not know that he also boasts a supernaturally discerning palette. Some years back, he proved his ability to identify illegal narcotics by taste, always a useful skill when you get involved in high-stakes adventure as Mark is wont to do. Today, however, as we watch him gobbling up the soggy, week-old off-brand cigar butts that Andy is faithfully digging up for him, I’m beginning to worry about the guy a little bit.

Family Circus, 12/18/07

Dad bellows Charles Dickens to nobody in particular. The kids stare around dumbly, then smile in a greedy, Pavlovian response to a stray phrase that sounds like something they want. Enjoy this Christmas card straight from the heart of lunacy.

Gil Thorp, 12/17/07

YES! YES! After weeks of waiting, Milford is finally unleashing its nutty Wing-T offense!

…

…

Wow, so it turns out that confusing and badly-drawn football action in a comic strip is actually kind of boring.

They’ll Do It Every Time, 12/17/07

Yet another Comics Curmudgeon idea in TDIET! This one comes from eco-minded faithful reader Dave, who I urge everyone to refer to as “Gus Greenearth” from now on.

I love the way little Junior almost forgets his line in the first panel. “Uh … [damn it, I know it’s one of the classic TDIET catchphrases] … oh, yeah!” Also, bonus Scaduto-ism: “sooper-market.”

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Blondie, 12/14/07

I think I’ve made it clear that I oppose the coloring of daily comics, especially when the artists aren’t the one making the color choices. It’s particularly bad when the strips are specifically created with coloring conventions that accommodate publication in black and white and then are colored in. One of the most disconcerting examples of this is when something in a strip is supposed to be red and is colored solid black in the black-and-white version. It makes total sense in a monochrome format, but once you add color into the mix, you get bizarre results like Hi and Lois’ S&M Valentine’s Day, or Dagwood the goth Santa.

I got some fine pics from a meetup from faithful readers in greater Portland, which I’ll be running in the next day or two, but I did want to share a related anecdote from faithful reader Brown-Eyed Girl that’s relevant here:

As I was trying (and failing) to find the highway out of Portland, I stumbled across the Santacon: 600+ people dressed up like Santa Claus marching through downtown Portland. Well, staggering through downtown Portland; many of them were drunk. In honor of the black-clad Santa in Luann, I’ve sent you a picture of a black-clad Santa. “Better dead than red,” he said.

I should add that I only see Luann in black and white, and so black-suited Santas there seem totally reasonable to me. Dagwood’s hat, however, gives me the heebie-jeebies.

Gil Thorp, 12/14/07

No one is ever, ever allowed to make fun of the art in Gil Thorp again. Ever. What other strip would aim so high as to give us triple-Bill punching action? I particularly like the way that that the lead Valley Tech Vandal’s omnipresent hat is blasted off his head by Bill’s very first punch, symbolically emasculating him. It’s unclear whether he’s holding his face in panel three because he’s bleeding everywhere or because he’s ashamed of being beaten up by a dude with one leg.

Meanwhile, Cully’s sad face in panel three indicates that he’s getting no joy from this savage beatdown. Either his time in prison has shown him that the turn to violence is never any kind of victory, or he’s disappointed that he didn’t get to break these guys in half himself with his “wrestling moves.”

Curtis, 12/14/07

“Well, you were wearin’ shorts and flip-flops, I should say. I was wearing the same damn outfit I have on now, just like I do every other day of my life.”

Beetle Bailey, 12/14/07

Ha! It’s funny because the U.S. Army’s officer corps is mostly composed of desperate alcoholics!

Pluggers, 12/14/07

Pluggers know that a plastic sofa cover is a lot cheaper than fancy incontinence medication.