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Better Half, 3/15/14

Don’t ask Harriet, Stanley — she gave up on dreams long ago. Didn’t mind the format so much; just got sick of the programming.

Funky Winkerbean, 3/15/14

What passes for joy in the Funkyverse: He’s Not Really Dead, Part IV.

Herb and Jamaal, 3/15/14

The Reverend Croom has figured out Herb spits in his food.

Heathcliff, 3/15/14

Oh man, is that a cat thong in the middle there? The neighbor lady looks pretty horrified; I bet it’s a cat thong.

Between Friends, 3/15/14

OK, so this is Between Friends, which mixes joke-a-day and soapy arcs about the lives and times of three middle-aged women and should therefore be called Among Friends, but that’s not important right now. There’s an unfulfilled stay-at-home mom and a frazzled working mom and childless divorceé Maeve here, finishing up a whirlwind European vacation and wrenching final breakup with her ex-husband by visiting her company’s Paris office and trying to gin up a glam new international job. So you can apparently do a lot more with the whole “3 Girls” concept than orphan deer and off-panel plane crashes, even when everybody’s Canadian.

Hey, I’m filling in during Josh’s mostly-annual Spring Trip West through Sunday, March 23. Let me know if the site starts acting up on you and I’ll do what I can to fix it: uncle.lumpy@comcast.net. Enjoy!

— Uncle Lumpy

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Judge Parker, 3/7/14

April’s dad may be an amoral arms merchant who deals with ex-Romanian secret police and has a “retirement fund” made up entirely of blood diamonds, but at least he likes Judge Parker Senior’s terrible book, which puts him one step above the real monsters: liberal Ivy League college professors.

Heathcliff, 3/7/14

Heathcliff only loves his owner-family for financial reasons.

Herb and Jamaal, 3/7/14

Herb has been having sex with the restaurant’s catering truck for years, but is now starting to question his auto-monogamy.

Pluggers, 3/7/14

Pluggers’ electronics are covered with more disgusting slobber and drool than you can imagine.

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Mary Worth, 3/3/14

Tommy seems to have survived an awkward dinner with Mary and Wilbur and actually come out of the experience with a hint of a smile. Those good feelings end immediately in the next panel, as his mother isn’t even six inches out the door before ditching him to go spend some quality time with Wilbur, who needs to amble around the Charterstone grounds immediately after every meal or else he won’t be able to poop for the next 48 hours. “I’ll see you later, Tommie! Wilbur quit half his job for me, so I guess I’ll let him get to second base. Enjoy hanging out in our condo unit, alone except for your prison-time PTSD and your increasingly fragile sobriety!”

Marvin, 3/3/14

Yes, this is a great plan, Marvin! Just lurk under your bed for the next decade and a half, an increasingly feral presence, nonverbal, and, of course, since this is the cause for the whole drama, covered with your own filth. Sounds like a great life!

Herb and Jamaal, 3/3/14

Herb’s mother-in-law Eula has lived a long, amazing life. Now she yearns for death!