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Apartment 3-G, 1/21/09

As a native Buffalonian, I resent Margo’s implication that “upstate” is a great place to go bury bodies or answering machines with terrifying messages or whatever else she’s planning to dispose of out there. (Yes, Buffalo is technically Western New York, not Upstate New York, but devout Manhattanites use “upstate” as a blanket term for anything north of Columbia University, and if you need any confirmation of Margo’s devotion, just look at how resentful she is at the very thought of letting the sun go down on her in Schenectady or wherever.) Does she think that the whole state outside of her precious Five Boroughs consists of nothing but decaying, abandoned industrial sites, or vast stretches of barren wasteland punctuated by the occasional slowly collapsing barn, where she can just hide evidence of criminal wrongdoing at will? I mean, she’d be right, but that doesn’t mean that we want snooty urbanites with their fancy New York City corpses messing up all the good hiding spots.

Herb and Jamaal, 1/21/09

Usually Herb and Jamaal’s primary mission is to suck all the fun and enjoyment out of the English language by making it as bland and nonspecific as possible, but I really like this new euphemism for masturbation that it’s introduced today. “I spent the evening in, ‘dating my shadow,’ if you know what I mean.”

Marvin, 1/21/09

Good lord, as if rendezvousing in person with someone you first met online wasn’t already fraught enough, can you imagine if you meet some guy you’ve been chatting with and are sort of excited about, and he turns out to be a literal, actual baby? Especially if he were a loathsome, hateful baby, like Marvin?

Spider-Man, 1/21/09

Spider-Man, well aware of his intellectual limitations, is right to ! in the final panel. If the little boy’s statement is correct, it’s a wonder that Batman can even figure out how to chew.

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Judge Parker, 1/14/09

If the Dixie Julep story has taught us anything, it’s that Judge Parker loves a violent blonde. But hopefully, as this story unfolds and we watch Sophie wreak a righteous, Carrie-style vengeance against snooty cheerleaders and everyone else who ever wronged her, we’ll learn that sometimes, the violent blondes are violent for a reason.

It’s worth noting that this storyline is part of Sophie’s continuing transformation, from a pantsuit-wearing prepubescent superbrain to a surly teenager with a hair-trigger temper. Said transformation has taken 14 months of real time, which is actually halfway realistic, but (and hopefully Uncle Lumpy can come up with the exact number) only about six days of strip time, which is less so. It’s possible that this shockingly rapid onset of puberty is precisely what’s causing her erratic and aggressive behavior.

Herb and Jamaal, 1/14/09

Having seen Jamaal trying to bust a move on Yolanda for much of the last four years, I can see why he doesn’t understand how Herb came to have a wife … or a daughter, for that matter. But a mother-in-law? “Gee, Jamaal, I don’t think I ever implied that my wife was grown in a lab.”

Apartment 3-G, 1/14/09

Hey, look, after three months, we’ve returned to Lu Ann in South Dakota! Last we saw her she was reconnecting with Cody Styles, and now she’s … reconnecting with Cody Styles. I’m beginning to form a theory about Apartment 3-G’s singular failure to follow Lu Ann’s prairie adventures: the producers have been unable to hire locals for extras at poverty rates, discovering to their surprise that these hardy midwesterners still have too much dignity to appear in this comic.

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Mark Trail, 12/22/08

The list of Incomprehensible Things That Happen In Mark Trail For No Earthly Reason That Anyone Could Fathom is, I admit, very, very long. And yet while I accept many of those things (the Jack Elrod sphere spouting dialog today, for instance) without question, I am having a hard time figuring out why the fact that his buggy’s carburetor has rusted has resulted in Pop resting with his head in Sue’s lap, unless this is all a ploy on his part to get her to do something about the fact that his “buggy’s” “carburetor” has “rusted.” Now that sexy Mark has appeared on the horizon, she will no doubt literally throw him aside, and he’ll flop face-first into the rapidly drying swamp.

(Something that just occurred to me: who is watching little Pamela while all this red-hot swamp action is going on? Is it … Sneaky the filthy raccoon? OH MY GOD SNEAKY OH MY GOD)

Mother Goose and Grimm, 12/22/08

Seeing that I griped a few days ago about the comics’ awkward attempts to grapple with the economic crisis, I suppose I’m now duty-bound to praise Mother Goose and Grimm’s depiction of the seasonal labor market, which ignores current economic conditions completely.

Apartment 3-G, 12/22/08

Reason To Love Margo #283: In mere hours of strip time, she’s gone from “Eric is an innocent man!” to “I am morally and professionally obligated to break into Eric’s apartment and remove incriminating evidence, then possibly use it later for blackmail purposes if he refuses to marry me!” Like the lady herself, Margo’s logic is so very seductive.

Herb and Jamaal, 12/22/08

Ha ha, Herb “molds himself” to Jamaal’s “deformities”!

Uh, I don’t really know what that’s supposed to mean. Ha ha, Herb and Jamaal are going to have sex, on the down low!

Programming note! Tomorrow will be my last day of posting before my annual week-or-so-long Hanuchrismwaanza break, so I’m just going to postpone the comments of the week by a day.