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Beetle Bailey, 1/23/11

This is, without doubt, the saddest Beetle Bailey I’ve ever seen, sadder than all the “Beetle and Sarge have a forbidden love for one another” strips combined. Never mind the fact that Beetle’s family lives in some kind of bygone day when hand-written letters constitute the only means of communication at a distance; Beetle’s brother’s speculation that the soldier no longer loves his family is all the more heartbreaking for being so matter-of-fact. But the real emotional gut punch comes in the final panel. Little Chigger is young or stupid enough to think that the mere receipt of a letter is enough to maintain the emotional ties within the Bailey family; but the expressions on the faces of his parents show how devastated they are by Beetle’s affectless, demanding letter. They’ll send the money — if that’s the only way they can keep the thin thread between themselves and their son in place, they’ll do it — but something inside them has been snuffed out.

As a side note: Beetle’s brother is named “Chigger”? Really? As you may or may not know, Hi and Lois‘s Lois is Beetle’s sister, so we have to wonder what her real name was — Ladybug? — before she got married and fled this sad, creepy family for good.

Crankshaft, 1/23/11

Oh, look, it’s another cheery day in the Funkyverse. Today, we learn that you can either be driven mad by the horrible scratching of the vermin that live in your walls, or you can turn up the TV and be deafened with awful news about our nation’s economic crisis. Those are your choices!

Panel from Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 1/23/11

Here’s the question I want to ask, doctor: why are you having Loweezy lower Li’l Tater into that enormous pie shell? How many more infants will you need to complete your monstrous baby pie, and who will be eating it?

Panels from Dennis the Menace, 1/23/11

Ah, the narcotic of television sedates unruly children and elders alike, putting them into a trance-like state so that they won’t bother you with their irritating opinions or desires. I preserve the first panel here mainly to note that Dennis the Menace has finally caught up to 1999, with unsettling results.

Hagar the Horrible, 1/23/11

Ha ha, it’s funny because spending time doing things with your wife that she enjoys is worse than the most heinous physical torture!

Hi and Lois, 1/23/11

Ha ha, it’s funny because an open and honest relationship with your wife will be seen by your male friends as a betrayal!

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I normally don’t do this, but let’s backtrack a day to yesterday’s Gasoline Alley:

Gasoline Alley, 1/9/11

This is an actually rather poignant fantasy sequence in which Slim begs God to help him control his appetite. In awful display of self-loathing, Slim attempts to condition himself away from overeating by visualizing delicious foodstuffs as being created by horrifying demons, in hell. And how does God respond to Slim’s prayers?

Gasoline Alley, 1/10/11

Apparently by inspiring him with insatiable hunger, by means of the Bible! Though it could be that this Bible has become so mangled and rearranged that it has accidentally summoned up some of the food demons from yesterday’s strip. Another possible explanation is that Slim is just hungry.

Hi and Lois, 1/10/11

Meanwhile, Dot and Ditto seem eager to give thanks to God, despite the fact that He has cursed them with deformed lobster-claw hands.

Marvin, 1/10/111

You know, when most babies show a signs that they might become ill, the adults who care for them show concern, monitoring their health and perhaps even seeking medical attention. But that doesn’t apply to Marvin, the worst baby in the world! Instead, his family has abandoned him on the couch, hopefully to die.

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Hi and Lois, 12/5/10

It’s pretty common to see a Sunday strip where the throwaway panels ruin the rhythm of the storytelling; still, I’d like to think that what we see today is unspooling exactly as it happens. Hi just decides to ignore Lois’s initial suggestion to dine al fresco in the freezing cold, and remains deliberately obtuse even as she puts their icy picnic BBQ together. “Wait, she can’t really mean that, can she? Like, we’re eating outside? Outside outside?” Lois can endure any weather! She’s got her pink headband of warmth and safety to protect her!

Panel from Mary Worth, 12/5/10

Ah, yes, Jill isn’t just opposed to Adrian and Scott getting married; she is adamantly opposed to the very concept of marriage. Sacred union, feh! It would be vaguely daring if Jill were supposed to be some kind of radical who angrily rejects marriage as an institution, but I’m guessing in fact she just needs to learn How To Love, and Mary will be the one who teaches her. Didn’t we just have this storyline, where Dr. Mike couldn’t love until he made peace with his dying drunk vigilante dad? Yes, we did, and it was awesome, so hush your mouth and let this thing play out.

Panel from Judge Parker, 12/5/10

BREAKING: SMUG RICH ASSHOLES FROM JUDGE PARKER STILL RICH, SMUG