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Hi and Lois, 8/6/09

Hmm, something has gone very, very wrong in the relationship between Trixie and sunbeam. It used to be that she’d welcome sunbeam through the windows whenever it wanted to come in, and missed it when it was gone. But now she’s actively trying to flee from it, huddling behind a tree in hopes of remaining undetected. Has she realized that sunbeam is a little too persistent? That hanging up heavy curtains is too high price to pay for privacy? Is Chris Hansen going to show up with a camera crew at any moment? “You knew this innocent young girl wanted you to stop coming in through the window, and yet you persisted! Why? Why? Your silence convicts you!”

Crankshaft and B.C., 8/6/09

Well, since I made everyone who may have been avoiding it look at a snake attacking a little dog, I feel obligated to inform you that, against all odds, a pup who can’t weigh more than about ten pounds is going to survive a dose of snake venom that would have felled a full-grown man who has been kept alive for decades longer than his natural lifespan by an unkillable core of pure spite. Don’t take this as evidence that the Winkerverse will cease to be a abattoir of soul-slaughter, though; it’s just that in drama you can get away with doing awful things to people that you could never do to animals, as B.C. seems to have figured out, albeit belatedly.

Mark Trail, 8/6/09

“God, these gangsters have such a terrible grip on me … it’s like they’ve got my nuts locked between their teeth! Sorry for the weird metaphor, sis, but it just popped into my head for some reason.”

Beetle Bailey, 8/6/09

Beetle’s right to be freaked out. Everyone knows it only starts being gay when you can see the other dude’s face.

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Mary Worth, 8/4/09

Well, it’s been a long, exciting, and baffling adventure for our Delilah, but she’s learned some important things about life, and a woman’s place in it. Specifically she’s learned that, as a woman, she has exactly two choices in this world: she can be married to a decent, successful husband who’s never home, with whom she shares no real emotional intimacy, and with whom she’s never really figured out how to communicate properly, or she can be subject to the predatory lusts of a hedonistic child-hating alcoholic porn addict. (It is interesting to note that she will be listening to Rogers and Hammerstein in either scenario.) Having chosen wisely, she at least has something to look forward to on the horizon: the day her much-older husband drops dead, leaving her a comfortable inheritance that will allow her to live independently and act as a puppet master, manipulating the lives of hapless others.

Speaking of which, Mary sure is looking pretty quietly smug in that first panel, isn’t she? She appears to have gone to the trouble of putting on lipstick, because it’s always nice to look your best as you reflect on your own awesomely good sense and good judgment.

Gil Thorp, 8/4/09

Aw, isn’t that cute? Gil’s decided to adopt a violent, penniless 24-year-old burnout. Like Mimi, you might think that this is a rash and foolish decision, but he’s really just filling the hole in his life left by his own children, who, outside of the occasional Christmas card, haven’t been seen in the strip for nearly three years.

Shoe, 8/4/09

Ha ha, it’s funny because they’re begging for their lives!

Is this any creepier because the lobsters are going to be eaten by anthropomorphic birds? It’s not like they’re even the same phylum or anything.

Hi and Lois, 8/4/09

“You might also want to pretend that you’re swimming in water, rather than in the thick, viscous oil that I’ve filled the pool with for some reason.”

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Blondie, 8/2/09

Like many victims of abuse, this dedicated civil servant seems to take the horrible injuries dished out by Dagwood to be merely his lot in life. Blondie slips easily into her role as enabler, assuring poor Mr. Beasley that her monstrous husband “doesn’t mean it” and “it’s not his fault, he’s just late,” and “he won’t do it again” — platitudes that neither of them believe.

Hi and Lois, 8/2/09

Never have the Flagstons done so well at their appointed task of representing the typical middle American family: their insatiable appetite for entertainment — entertainment that can only be achieved through conspicuous consumption — leads them to go on vacations that they simply cannot afford, leading inevitably to financial ruin.

Hagar the Horrible, 8/2/09

“Oh … that Paris! My band of Viking warriors burned it to the ground, slaughtering the inhabitants who resisted us and enslaving the survivors! Why do you ask?”

Marvin, 8/2/09

Cementing his place as the most hated character on the comics page, Marvin attempts to have the municipal animal control service impound and euthanize the family pets. Fortunately, he’s only able to thought-balloon into the phone, leaving him to stew in his own impotent rage (and, since this is Marvin, presumably in his own excrement).

Mary Worth, 8/2/09

And that was the day that Charley removed the last non-porn DVD from his collection, as it apparently scares the ladies off. Delilah, meanwhile, hearing the lyrics “never let her go,” returns to her true love: Mary Worth.

The Phantom, 8/2/09

The Sunday Phantom plotline for the last God knows how long has focused on the royal love triangle summed up with admirable economy in the throwaway panels above; the “other woman” is in fact Captain Lara, Rex’s personal bodyguard, and Rex King is in fact a monarch (thus the name — get it? Is it obvious enough?). Anyway, I haven’t been covering this plot, because it’s been pretty dull, so you can imagine my surprise to see it resolved by Lara simply gunning down her rival in a lover’s rage.

Judge Parker, 8/2/09

Oh, and Judge Parker is still about horse-fucking, FYI.