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Judge Parker, 9/4/15

Marie, the Spencer-Drivers’ sassy maid, is quickly becoming my favorite character in this strip, what with her apparent love of telling the main characters exactly why their ludicrous schemes will fail, and her swoopy eyebrows giving her the exactly correct expression of anger-driven glee. Neddy looks mildly concerned over the chaos she’s going to accidentally unleash on her still-under-constructions offices next week, though probably she’s mostly thinking about how the angry proles will turn on each other, literally beating each other to death in a competition for some of the last manufacturing jobs in the area, and then she’ll have to figure out how to get poor person blood out of all the fabric she’s hopefully remembered to buy.

Six Chix, 9/4/15

There’s a lot to unpack in this insane cartoon. Like, I had to actually Google “are giraffe spots unique” to figure out the joke. Then there’s the fact that the psychologist (?) is a giraffe but also labelled “VET”, as if sapient giraffes would use the term for their own indigenous medical practitioners. Mostly, though, I just want to point out that our de-spotted giraffe patient has limbs that all look way too much like dicks for my comfort.

Shoe, 9/4/15

I love that the usual patented Shoe Goggle Eyes of Horror have been replaced here with Goggle Eyes of Transcendent Rage. “Wait, what? You’re mocking your sacred duty under democracy to understand the platforms of candidates for public office? In my restaurant? Oh, hell no.”

Spider-Man, 9/4/15

Man, Peter Parker really cares about admiralty law and maritime sovereignty. “BOO! GET BACK TO US WHEN ATLANTIS RATIFIES THE UNITED NATIONS CONVENTION ON THE LAW OF THE SEA!”

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Spider-Man, 8/23/15

I have no idea what the Sub-Mariner’s deal is but I sincerely hope that he has Super Irritating Couple Banter Detecting Sonar and that the “outrage” to which he refers is just the previous panels in this strip. If the total elimination of the land dwellers is the price to pay to end this intra-Parker faux jealousy gamesmanship, then so be it.

Judge Parker, 8/23/15

Remember, Speedy is the guy Neddy browbeat into selling her shipping containers below cost by accusing him of hating America. I’m sure “love” is exactly the emotion he feels for her.

Funky Winkerbean, 8/23/15

Cayla is trying to help Les remember his half-assed promise to take her to Paris! It’s not going to work.

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Family Circus, 8/16/15

I like to think I’m a fairly modest person, but I will say this: because I’m both a tech writer and a comics blogger, nobody in the world is better equipped than I am to meticulously document when legacy syndicated newspaper comic strips make jokes about bitcoin. So here’s the Family Circus’s offering, coming in the wake of Six Chix and Barney Google and Snuffy Smith. I think it’s pretty clear, based on our put-upon ice cream man’s outfit, that this is a reprinted comic from the ’70s or ’80s, which leaves the question open as to what sketchy financial instrument was originally used in that word bubble. Junk bonds? Pet rocks?

Judge Parker, 8/16/15

I freely admit to not understanding at all the financial details of the whatever business partnership Neddy has established with Rocky and Godiva, and one of the points I understand the very least is why all of the sudden Rocky started agreeing to pay for everything a while back. Something about that being the price for letting him publish his tell-all book about being married to Godiva? Anyway, I’d like to think that he and his checkbook’s abrupt departure corresponded exactly to the moment when retail sales of said book began. Next week may depict the most shocking event in the history of Judge Parker: a Spencer-Driver paying for something with her own money.

Momma, 8/16/15

I am not comfortable with that knowing, self-satisfied look MaryLou is giving us here. “What Momma doesn’t know is that I’m living with a man! Did you guess? A man? A man who wears a baseball hat and a tie, and leaves his sporting equipment scattered around the house? Get it? And we’re fucking? A man?”